Right, I’m on a mission to blast old habits and become All That I Am using the techniques in Jacqueline Harrison’s book How To Create A Business From Nothing. But there seems to be a little problem.
Rather than act on one thing from each bullet point – the small task I set myself yesterday – I seem to have found a whole bundle of other things to do and so am a day behind my own schedule already. I could make excuses and explain that I did two healings yesterday, and therefore I’m on track towards my goal of running a successful healing practice, but I’m not sure I’m telling myself the whole truth here.
“Doing” is perfectly acceptable, (well done me) and yes I was exhausted from working 16-hour days for the past seven days straight, but I’m pretty sure I can smell something else here.
Yes. And that’s a whoooole ’nother tale right there. Unfortunately for it (and me) I have a nose like a bloodhound.
Even as I type, part of me is saying; but I have been doing so well and working sooo hard and I’m healing old wounds here, gimme a break. And yes, I understand all of that and I concede it to be true. Well done me. But I also know that underneath that version of reality is a playground of fear and deliberate self-sabotage, because part of me Just. Does. Not. Want. To. Play.
I can sense a childish quality to this aspect of myself, so I guess I need to handle it with parental care. Hmm, there’s that parental approval again, only now I’m the one providing the approval… Interesting.
I feel it apt to coax this little one’s fear out with some loving words and a lot of compassion. I mean, she (I) wouldn’t be so scared unless she felt there was something real to be scared of, right? Could this be the monster in the wardrobe I have been avoiding for so long? Is this the reason I’ve slept with the light on for a million years?* Ironically, any light that’s been shone in the hope of keeping the monster in the dark away, has actually only succeeded in keeping me from fulfilling my dreams. So, that didn’t really work then.
It’s time to find whatever kind of flashlight I need that can see under beds, and through the doors of my mind so I can uncover the beast that is blocking me from getting on with Being The Best Me I Can Be. After all, I’m the one that wants to be shining here.
Procrastination is a device we use when we lack confidence. It allows us to stay in our safe zone. My safe zone is wilder than that of other people I know and definitely includes elements of being a risk taker, but there I go again, justifying myself. Risk taker or not, I’m not where I want to be and not where I know I can be, so I have to smash this one in order to change the outcome, and stop justifying myself – to myself!
I’m actually experiencing a physical sensation here: the space between my diaphragm and belly button feels like it’s got a cabbage stuck in it. I can’t think of any better way to describe it. It’s a block. Now, I can feel my throat. I can sense a smaller cabbage – a Brussels sprout (!) stuck right there, blocking me. What are these blocks? They’re so subtle (until they’re not) yet they are there, as real as if I’d eaten a whole tray of muffins. Urgh. There’s that heavy, filled-with-food feeling again. Hmmm.
It may seem as though I’m going on a bit of a tangent here, but I do feel this is relevant. How, I’m not sure, but if something has been stopping me from reaching my full potential all these years, then it has to be well hidden, because I’ve done almost nothing but work on my own self development for the past 15 years. Anything that remains out of my sight must have found a very dark corner to hide in, because I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching, let me tell you.
However, with a sense that writing this blog may have just wiped away enough of whatever it is I’m shielding from myself, I shall now open that list and begin working through each bullet point, one-by-one, just like I said I would. With a loving inner voice I am now telling myself I’m doing a great job and being really brave. It’s OK. It’s just a list and I don’t have to be perfect, I just have to put one foot in front of the other. I think.
Breathing might help.
*FYI, I don’t actually sleep with the light on.