Monday, 21 January 2013

The Egomaniac Strikes Back!




So, there I was walking home from a yoga class, repeating affirmations and mantras about wealth and happiness when – boom! – out of nowhere I was struck down by a sabre of light.

Standing in front of me was my Ego – and he wanted his mask back.

WTF?

I’ll fill you in on what happened…

Last year, a very good friend of mine gifted me with the book Be Here Now by Ram Dass. Up until a few days ago I hadn’t gotten round to reading it. But earlier that day I had ingested the intro and was inspired and moved by Ram Dass’ courage to rid himself of all sides of Self until all that was left, was, well… I don’t really know how to explain what was left, but suffice to say Dass somehow removed any attachment to his ego and from thereon began to live a much richer and more truthful life. What I would call a truly Spiritual existence.

Again, I don’t know how, but reading his story somehow embedded a new understanding into my consciousness that zapped through me as I walked home from yoga. As clear as day, I realised that this millionaire blogger, four business streams and a massive beach house in Queensland process was being fuelled by My Ego!

Busted!

Yeah, I know, looking at it now it’s as obvious as Hugh Jackman is gay (OK he's not, but say if he ever did come out we'd be kicking ourselves… I mean, come on… did you see The Boy From Oz?). Possibly a bad example… Moving swiftly on…

I’m not blasting the ego here, I am glad to have an ego that assists me in reaching my goals and fills me with a passion to do what I love. It takes a certain amount of ego to create ambition and we need the push of the mind and its perception in order to strive to do anything. I mean, if it weren’t for my ego wanting to remain fit and flexible, it’s unlikely I’d have been walking back from a yoga class in the first place.

Having an ego is not in itself a problem; it’s part of being human. But when the ego gets out of control and hides under a cape, masquerading as reality, it’s time to call in help. In this case, the help was my Inner Jedi and just as quick as a flash, it Ka-Zizzed my illusion and gave it to me straight.

It went like this:

Inner Jedi: Those millionaire dreams you have? They are not just a dream of being financially free. They are a desire to show the world you are capable of “success”.

Me: : /

Inner Jedi: Your desire to edit bestselling books? That’s not just a desire to publish truthful messages that will help people, that is also your need to show the world you are a bigshot.

Me: : 0

Inner Jedi: Your dream to live in a 4-bedroom house with two dogs, a loving husband and multiple business streams, with Mike Dooley as your good friend? That’s more your desire to mix with the rich and famous and less to do with living an authentic existence. See bigshot (above).

Me: But, I just…

Inner Jedi: And overall? The whole thing? You wanna know what that’s all about? You’re sending a very clear message to the Universe that even though you live in a beautiful apartment in a sunshine filled part of the globe, and get to do whatever you want day in and day out, you’re just Not Happy Enough with life as it is.

Me: [thud]

(That’s when I metaphorically hit the pavement.)

Me: Ohhhh kaaaaaaay then, let’s get this straight. All those dreams and goals I’ve been following, all those affirmations I’ve been saying, and the very reason I’m writing this blog are nothing more than an out of control ego trip?

Inner Jedi: You got it.

Me: Crap.

As I digested this information it quickly became clear to me that my Inner Jedi was speaking the truth. Every word that was revealed rang true. It was like I could suddenly see backstage and saw that inside R2D2 was actually a little man – my ego!

Undeterred by the fact that I’d just given myself a roasting, I mused on where that left me in terms of my blog, my business dreams and my hope of living in a beach house with sea views. If I removed the egocentric shell and peeled back my dreams to their seed, what was left?

What was left was This Very Moment: The Here and Now.

But what does that mean in everyday terms?

I conceived that beyond the ego I still had to Do Something. The message wasn’t to stop what I was doing and live in a cave; on the contrary, I summised that the work itself was not the issue. All I needed to lose was my attachment to any particular outcome. As Yoda wisely said; “To be Jedi is to face the truth and choose.”

So, I am choosing to still do everything I was doing before.

Which is a relief, because if I wasn’t doing what I’m doing i.e. working through the processes in Jacqueline Harrison’s book How To Create A Business From Nothing, and if I wasn’t writing this blog and exposing all these awkward sides of myself, or sending letters to doctors and psychologists informing them of my healing practice; or educating myself on the book publishing business so I can help authors sell more books, or waking each morning to the sound of birds and meditating before heading out for a sunrise stroll then I wouldn’t Be Me. And if I’m not Me, then who or what am I?

(Ooh, that's scary. Isn't that what Ram Dass said…?)

It was the final message from my Inner Jedi that really hit home. My Inner Jedi had pointed out that I obviously feel what I’ve got isn’t enough. Those words literally stopped me in my tracks because up until then, I had believed the absolute opposite to be true. I thought I was being grateful. I sometimes find myself in tears at the joy of drinking a cup of tea for goodness sake! But what's interesting about my ego trip is that it actually doesn't take away from any of my truth or light, they are not mutually exclusive. No, removing the ego just enhances the truth. Because truly, I am grateful for the life I have, but now that (yet another) veil has been lifted, I have found myself focusing less on future dreams and more on the Now. I just wasn't phrasing it very well.

Since that day when my Inner Jedi spoke, I’ve been far more centred and present. I’ve meditated on my heart space and simply observed what I sense, hear and feel instead of focusing on an amazing future. I’m just as excited about my life as I was before, (if not more so!). But ultimately, with some layers of my ego now removed, I can simply show up at my desk, open my Mac and do exactly what I was doing before, leaving the results to God, the Universe or whatever you want to call it.

I've put in my order with the Higher Powers (I'm sure they've read my blogs), so all I have to do now is carry on working through the processes and see what happens.

In basic terms, the main difference between then and now is that unlike Luke Skywalker and Princess Lea, I’m no longer using any force.