Friday, 19 April 2013

Little Miss Perfect

This morning as I prepared for a meeting with my business mentor Colin, I diligently went through the things I'd said I would have done since our last meeting. Send out flyers for Reiki workshops… tick… add Google ads to my blog… tick… commence writing my book… tick.

Oh yes, there were ticks all over the place. Little Miss Perfect had an answer for everything. Anything that I hadn't completed I had a very good reason for, and all the boxes were lined up for a pat on the back.

However, despite all the good news, I wasn't feeling it.

When I arrived at the meeting Colin asked me how I felt. "Like shit," I replied. "Time of the month." Looking back, I can see now how that was a big red flag that had nothing to do with my period. It was an excuse. You know, those things that we tell ourselves to justify not doing something because we don't feel great? "Oh, I'm on deadline I'm always frazzled for a week…" or "I'm short on cash till pay day, can we meet next Friday instead…" or "I don't feel well, can we postpone our catch up till another time."

I really didn't feel like being there. I knew the tick boxes were in place but I didn't even want to talk about them. My throat was restricted and my eyes were welling with tears. Not really what you'd expect considering I'd achieved pretty much everything I'd set out to do six weeks earlier.

So what was really going on?

I guess for me, the journey to becoming a millionaire blogger goes beyond earning money and following a set of business rules. Somewhere deeper inside I want personal breakthroughs that have less to do with business and more to do with Life. The further I travel down this path, the more I realise that if I can tap into whatever is blocking my personal growth, my business dreams will simply follow. For me, work and life are one and the same.

So, back to the meeting… Colin relayed that the very fact I didn't want to be at the meeting meant it was the perfect place for me at that moment. He said that if every cell in my body was resisting something then it indicated that I was on the verge of a breakthrough. I had been feeling like crap for a few weeks so I was desperate for a breakthrough that would get me back to my happy place. But I was even more desperate to hide the very thing that would get me there.

Turns out that was Vulnerability.

I hadn't even been seated for five minutes and this was no longer about business. This was going to be a D&M that could see me smash through to a whole new level, but in order to get there, I was required to be vulnerable in front of someone I wanted to appear to be highly capable in front of. (As I unconsciously want to do with everyone.)

Inside, I wanted to bolt.

Yup, I had Silver saddled up and I was ready to gallop off with "Sorry, Colin, can we do this another time," on the tip of my tongue. Fortunately, I could sense that sitting through this meeting would lead me to an oasis that I couldn't reach on my own. I explained to Colin that I was fed up with having limited cashflow. However, things had just turned a corner as I had recently secured two great new contracts. The work was good and I would be paid well, but for now I was emotional and didn't feel like talking about it.

"What do you want to talk about then?" nudged Colin.

I was at a loss for words because I really didn't feel like talking about anything. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and cry. So, I did all of that – except the going home bit.

Every cell in my body was resisting the tears but they wanted to come and come they did. Had Moses been anywhere nearby he could have waved his staff and sent a thousand Israelites through the middle. The floodgates were open and there was only one thing to do: I had to sit there and drink in the fact that I'm not always capable and that I don't always have my sh*t together.

As my face screwed up and the tears came, Colin didn't seem to mind. "Hmm," said my inner voice. "What's going on here then? You're exposing the part of yourself you never let anyone see and yet you are still alive and the person opposite you is still there."

…?

As my inner Self began to realise that being vulnerable didn't mean I would die or that my business mentor would run a mile, laughing at my inability to cope, I listened in to my heart and asked what was going on. In a very clear voice, it relayed to me that what it would like more than anything right now was a hug.

I pondered that for a moment while Colin and I sat awkwardly in silence. In a few seconds I realised that the awkward silence wasn't awkward at all. In fact, I felt completely safe to sit there and cry. And, I felt completely OK that we hadn't even mentioned work, and that instead, I had basically sat down at what had been planned as a mentoring session and started sobbing.

A tiny seed inside of me whooped with glee. The other part of me (that was still crying) plucked up the courage to ask Colin if I could have a hug. At first he didn't hear me (he probably couldn't understand what I was saying through all the sniffling). So I asked again.

"Can I please have a hug."

In less than a second, Colin was there, allowing me to be vulnerable in the open air, at a cafe – in broad daylight! OMG! My inner voice – that would have brayed at being such a wreck in public – was knocked into a coma while the part of me that had been seeking a breakthrough, was simultaneously set free.

Deep within me I recognised that this was something I had never done before. I have never publicly allowed myself to do what I did today, which was:

a) Cry in public without running to the bathroom to hide
b) Ask someone I don't know very well for a hug
c) Not care that people could see me crying and looking ugly
d) Be happy that I had allowed myself to publicly lose my sh*t
e) Feel OK about returning to that cafe without having to think about wearing a wig to disguise myself (Oh look, she's the one who cried…)

This really was a breakthrough. And it had nothing to do with me ticking boxes on a business plan.

Once I managed to compose myself, Colin and I sat back down and he very lovingly asked me were I was now at. After bumbling and fluffing a little, I told him that it had been a really long time since I'd had a hug. More tears ensued.

Having gone into vulnerability mode and realising it was safe, I felt ready to admit what I had concluded from our meeting. "You know what Colin," I said. "What I have come to realise is that through the process of starting up a set of business streams I firmly believe that I have the skills, the drive and the ambition to make a success of whatever I choose to do. But what I now understand is that what I would really like, is to have someone to share those experiences with."

Gulp.

"I want to be in a relationship."

And there it was – The Truth. The words I had been holding under water were suddenly set free and with them came another river of tears.

The very thing I had been resisting had forced its way to the surface and broken the banks. The emotion I had felt coming to the meeting was nothing to do with my menstrual cycle. My hormonal spin had simply been the trigger for something I'd been holding in for years. Probably since my last long-term relationship which ended more than three years ago.

Finally, I had allowed myself to admit that I am lonely. I finally recognised that I love what I do and I have the courage and tenacity to make my business a success, but deeper than that is a primal desire to share my life with someone on an intimate level. To have someone hold my hand through the hard times and give me a hug when I feel sad. And, equally, to have someone to high five the happy times with. With someone by my side, the hard times might not feel so hard and the good times might seem even better. Wow, that's definitely what I want and yet I hadn't been able to admit that even to myself!

For so long I've been coping with everything on my own, but now, thanks to setting up three new business streams and following the processes in Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing, I seemingly have a much more intimate and emotional desire to fulfill.

For me, the business of setting up in business has not only led me to financial breakthroughs and new business behaviours, but ultimately it has helped me realise that life, be it brimming with gold, or as black as coal, means nothing if we don't have someone to share it with.

And so with that, I now set myself free to find love. I now give myself permission to be vulnerable on an intimate level with a kind and loving man who is looking for someone to share his life with. How I'll find or attract that man is anyone's guess. And until that happens I'll continue trucking along and ticking boxes.

But secretly, I now know that setting up in business isn't necessarily about business at all. Because deeper than my desire to succeed or be wealthy lies a far greater desire to Love and be Loved.

Just as The Beatles sang all those years ago, turns out: Love is all you need.




4 comments:

  1. Really, really profoundly touching and beautoful Hannah. You may be interested to watch Brene Brown's highly-ranking TED talk about the importance of vulnerability. http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

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    1. I just watched Brene Brown yesterday. What a great TED talk! Thanks for the tip off Bec x

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  2. I love your site! You will be in our prayers and thoughts! Nice and informative post
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  3. Thank you for reading and thank you for your encouraging comment. h x

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