tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66173124395211782752024-03-15T02:03:12.975+11:00Love. This. LifeA Universe of ThoughtsHannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.comBlogger55125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-21488207957952867812018-07-17T16:46:00.001+10:002018-07-17T16:46:59.614+10:00The Loneliness Birds<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's just over a month since I read the news that fashion designer Kate Spade and chef Anthony Bourdain had taken their own lives. I wrote this blog at the time but am only just sharing it.<br />
<br />
Because I've felt suicidal too.<br />
<br />
For anyone who knows me it may come as a surprise that I've wanted my life to end. I mean, I'm the girl in the tea room who chats to <i>everyone</i>. I'm the chick who smiles at people in the street and as one friend put it "could have a deep conversation with someone I just met at a bus stop."<br />
<br />
I like talking to people, finding out who they are, what makes them tick. I tend to go from "Ooh you put the milk in first to, wow, your mum passed away this time last year, that must still ring in your ears like a bell that will never stop."<br />
<br />
As were Kate and Anthony, I identify with being a creative. I'm not just creative, I'm <i>A Creative</i>. Ask anyone who's forged a career out of the arts (of any kind) and you'll find we're a highly emotive bunch who wholeheartedly identify with our preferred expression, be it words, images, film, dance, whatever.<br />
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Not that people who work in other areas aren't creative, but by the very nature of our work and the fact we've often forefeited higher paying jobs for a career in the arts (and the fact that most of us would rather die than work for a bank – albeit not literally) we <i>feel</i> things deeply. More deeply than others? Possibly not, but I would definitely say that I, like most creative types am ruled by my heart not my head.<br />
<br />
I recall saying to a friend who'd mentioned she was once diagnosed as being bipolar that in my opinion, anyone who lives by the creative laws – i.e. couldn't possibly live, breathe or work unless they were being expressive through their art, are all bipolar to some degree. Maybe not in the clinical sense, but certainly in the way we tend to swing from high degrees of passion to deep feelings of hurt, and for some, depression, when … that layout, brief, article or project wasn't quite would it could or should be.<br />
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Being an "artist" comes at a price.<br />
<br />
For me it means I absolutely cannot and will not abide by any rule other than the one from my heart. So when my heart lost its mojo and needed some Time Out I was completely at a loss.<br />
<br />
And that's when I began to see life very differently.<br />
<br />
For 40-something years I have defined myself as positive, happy, optimistic, able to see a silver lining around literally anything. I've experienced sexual abuse, domestic violence, I survived a fatal car crash that took my friend's life when we were just 18, moved to the other side of the world aged 26 away from everyone I knew with nothing but a backpack and £500, and through all of it I remained steadfastly positive.<br />
<br />
Life is for living, right?<br />
<br />
Naturally I have also grieved, felt sadness, hurt, pain and worry, but overriding all of it was a belief that things would be OK. That life was my most precious commodity and that no matter what happens, I could get through it.<br />
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Not because I'm resilient, although I am also that, but because I believed in the power of Love. The kind of Love that makes the world go round. The life force that has its own destiny and that we are merely part of. You might call it God but I prefer to call it The Universe, or that magical mystery tour that is Life.<br />
<br />
So hopefully that paints a picture that tells you I consider myself a survivor. At least, I did.<br />
<br />
Because last year, things changed. Last year was the first time in my life that I no longer wanted to be here.<br />
<br />
It didn't happen suddenly. I'd say my apathy towards Life was a slow burn. I didn't really notice it coming, I just started feeling less and less happy. Did something trigger it? Yes, probably the demise of a couple of relationships, one in particular, but I wouldn't say that was the cause, simply that it was a catalyst that lifted the lid on something that has potentially been brewing for a long time.<br />
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I say brewing because it wasn't like I woke up one day and decided, <i>That's it, I've had enough</i>. No. Over a period of about two years, certain areas of my life became "exposed"– as in, I began to see where I was lacking wisdom (around money and intimate relationships) and those areas became both highlighted and ruptured at about the same time. And in equal measure.<br />
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I went from earning the most money I've ever earned (what I had previously earned in a day I was earning in an hour) and fell in love the most deeply I'd ever fallen. I fell in love with The One. You know, The One That Got Away.<br />
<br />
Contrasts are a grand and wondrous thing. If it weren't for winter, summer wouldn't look so good. And what about those backpacking trips where your only bathing option is a bucket of cold, communal water and travelling on buses precariously hurtling around knife edged bends (with spectacular views) and more passengers than an A380 airbus. The recognition of how luxurious it is to turn on a hot tap and hop into your car when you return from somewhere like that is precious indeed.<br />
<br />
So maybe my 40 odd years of positivity was always going to herald a downward spiral at some point. I mean, isn't that the law of nature?<br />
<br />
Who knows, but when you're on (or in) one of those dizzying spirals you don't care. And actually, my downward track wasn't dizzying at all. It was more slow. And steady. And tedious. And very, very lonely.<br />
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I'd felt heartache from grief before but up until last year I had never experienced the gut-wrenching, heart-wracking pain of loneliness that felt like my chest would actually crack open. It was so physically debilitating that it would stop me in my tracks sometimes. I would literally clutch my chest as the pain ripped through me. It was coupled with a desperate feeling of being alone, disconnected and hopeless.<br />
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I called that feeling the Loneliness Birds.<br />
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Those Loneliness Birds had little to do with how many people were around. This wasn't about friends not being there. I had plenty of people I could have called. This wasn't about being alone in the physical sense, it was a spiritual breakdown. A sense of feeling separated from Life.<br />
<br />
Life was over there being lived and I was trapped in a cage with a flock of Loneliness Birds who were ripping my heart out.<br />
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Fortunately for me I've learned enough about grief and pain to have a veritable toolbox of emotional and spiritual resources. And I used them all. Mostly the ability to Be With It. When the feelings hit I would make room for them. It wasn't easy but I knew it was the only way. If I had any hope of "recovering" from the pain I had to deal with it and that meant staying.<br />
<br />
And crying. A lot.<br />
<br />
So I did.<br />
<br />
As for the Loneliness Birds, they hung around daily for about 5 months but for now, they appear to have journeyed on.<br />
<br />
After the loneliness I entered another new state: despair and hopelessness. My life felt utterly joyless. Even things that would normally provide me with a lift – a walk on the beach, a cup of chai tea, listening to a podcast – did little more than make the grey shades slightly less dull. I was 50 shades of grey alright but not in <i>that</i> way.<br />
<br />
My life had always been a technicolour, surround sound, 5D IMAX experience. Now, it was a b-grade movie with the sound turned down.<br />
<br />
I felt like all the colour had left not only my cheeks but also my heart. I was no longer connected to my heart and I felt really flat. And really alone. I no longer had the wracking physical pain of the Loneliness Birds but what was left was equally as cheerless. Life felt so dull.<br />
<br />
About two years in I was at the peak of what I would call a depression. I wasn't labelling it depression, and neither was my therapist, but as I write this blog it's as clear as day that that's where I was. I'd never really experienced depression before. Sadness yes, but I'd never stayed there for long. It always just lifted.<br />
<br />
But this was different. For me at least.<br />
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And of course, the biggest struggle when you're feeling low is that Life still requires you to function. So I was still going to work, socialising (although not much), and was still having some happy, smiley chats with people wherever I went. Like I say, I wasn't fully identifying as being depressed. I was just in it. Hindsight, if you're lucky enough to pass through the pain, can be a wonderful thing.<br />
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Towards the end of last year I booked a trip to Bali for Christmas. I wanted to get away and enjoy the simplicity of island life for a couple of weeks. But rather than supply me with a ray of emotional sunshine, it was on the island that I had my first "suicidal" thought.<br />
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I had just broken up with a guy I had fallen for in a big way. The wrong guy for sure, but I was still attached to the idea there could be an "us" despite him telling me otherwise.<br />
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After going our separate ways I still had another week before I was due to return home so I vowed I would make the best of the holiday and just rest. Part of my downtime was spent reconnecting with old friends on Facebook. I had taken myself off about a year earlier but felt ready to go back online. And frankly, I wanted some cyber company to take my mind off my recent break-up.<br />
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The first thing I saw was that an acquaintance had just died.<br />
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She was the second person I knew who had died within the space of 6 months and I was shocked. Both women were in their early 50s. Not young, but definitely not old.<br />
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I lay back on my bed overlooking the ocean and scrolled through all the messages in disbelief. She was deeply loved and had left behind a devoted husband and two sons.<br />
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My next thought was one that surprised me.<br />
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<i>I wish it was me.</i><br />
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I genuinely felt like she and the other woman I had known were the lucky ones. Because they no longer had to endure life. They were free from the suffering. Free from the struggles. Free from the worries. Free from work, relationships, loneliness, hopelessness.<br />
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They were free from all that and I wished it was me.<br />
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Right then I made a call to the Universe. I felt I was making a pact with Life. That if this was it, if this was what my life was all about then I didn't want to live much longer. I was by no means about to <i>take</i> my life but I silently prayed that if things didn't take a positive turn soon I didn't think I would be able to endure it. So I begged for God to end my life at the age of 54 as that was all I could withstand.<br />
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Why I chose 8 years in the future I have no idea, probably because that was the age of my friend who had just died, and partly because I maybe somehow believed there was a chance things could turn around and get better?<br />
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Which I'm happy to say they have.<br />
<br />
But it didn't happen immediately. And actually, writing this has been part of the catalyst for that change, because only a week ago I was empathising with a friend about how tough "middle age" can be. How it can feel so relentless, how there seems to be so much less fun, and how joy can appear to be a commodity that nobody really talks about any more. Once you hit your 40s it's all mortgages, hospitals, death of parents and the price of health insurance.<br />
<br />
And that sucks.<br />
<br />
I'm aware there's positive thinking and meditation and gratitude that can steer us towards a more joyful state. But I was using all those techniques before, during (and now), and they didn't do much more than possibly keep me stable enough to not require medication.<br />
<br />
Life was not joyful for me and not living seemed like a better option.<br />
<br />
So many of us are going through so much right now and it's not always possible to "fix" or help or even make a dent in that. Life can be challenging and if there's one thing I've learned (am learning…) it's that our inner world is our only world. Whatever and however we're feeling is our reality. And sometimes, for all the hope in the world, those feelings can be dark and lonely and hopeless, and nothing anyone does or says makes much of a difference.<br />
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It's a sad and lonely world for many. I'm lucky enough to have passed through those grim feelings of despair, and like I said, writing this is really helping. Putting my thoughts down on paper has always helped me to process what's inside. It's like therapy for me.<br />
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I'm in no way trivialising suicide and I am absolutely not saying writing things down solves all the world's problems. And I'm definitely not judging anyone who takes their own life. What I'm saying is I get it. We're all subject to Life and none of us really has any (or much) control of what happens. The only thing we have is how we feel.<br />
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So, how do <i>you</i> feel? Are you OK? Do you have someone you can relate to, share your true feelings with?<br />
<br />
Life can feel pretty joyless. The contrast is always there – if there's sorrow there is also joy – but it doesn't mean it's necessarily available to you, so if you're feeling like Life is too much, please know you are not alone. There are so many of us navigating our place in the world and it can feel really isolating and hard.<br />
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I can't take away your pain but I hope that by sharing my story, maybe someone – and even if it's only one person – will know they matter. Even when it doesn't feel that way.<br />
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Namaste x<br />
<br />
<a href="http://releaseyourinnerbling.com/">releaseyourinnerbling.com</a><br />
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Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-18497047956244878572017-08-13T11:04:00.003+10:002017-08-13T11:04:31.815+10:00More Selfies Please<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Forgive me father for I have sinned.<br />
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It's been 1 year and 8 months since my last blog.<br />
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For anyone who's read any of my previous posts you'll know I like to communicate what's going on inside my head and heart. I'm less of a selfie girl and more of a self-development chick. I like the inner world and all the gems that reside in that space.<br />
<br />
Since I first set fingers to keyboard (in the blogging sense) it seems to me that the world has become completely self-obsessed. You could say that's true of anyone who chooses self analysis but for me there's a marked difference. Mirror work (as in, what I see in others is really in me) is not the same as focusing solely on your appearance. They're both a form of "selfie" – and I get that both can seem narcissistic. And in some cases they are.<br />
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But I'm not here to harp on about selfies and how much I loathe the way the world has become image obsessed. The reason I raised that point was to note that although I do my best to live in today's tech age, I'm actually a luddite.<br />
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If I didn't have to use my mobile I wouldn't. If the only way to connect with friends who live across the globe wasn't Facebook, I'd delete my account for good. Except, as I've found, deleting your FB account is actually impossible. Trust me, I tried. Once they have you, they have you (and everything you've ever posted) for good. Deleting your account deletes nothing.<br />
<br />
But enough of that.<br />
<br />
So, there's been a lot happening in my world since Jan 2016 (last blog) and I'm at a point where I'm compelled to write again. As per my luddite confession, writing is somewhat similar for me. I go through phases when I can't put my pen (or keyboard) down, and other times when I would rather not. Although, to be honest, it's really only the cyber version that ever stops. I have a library of journals. I do actually put pen to paper every single day.<br />
<br />
But writing this blog is different. It's a gateway to a deeper understanding for me. So is my journalling, but there's something about publicising my thoughts that holds me to an even greater accountability. Don't know why but by pressing "publish" it's like my thoughts get a chance to move through the collective conscious, and by touching other people's minds my own experience becomes more solid.<br />
<br />
So what has driven me to pick up the plastic again?<br />
<br />
Life.<br />
<br />
This wonderful, crazy, sometimes painful thing we call Life.<br />
<br />
Life has a way of doing its own thing and what I noticed recently is that the more we resist that natural unravelling, the more pain we feel.<br />
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Take my work as an example.<br />
<br />
Two years ago I was running a race to be the best and most amazing Life Coach I could be. I was studying coaching. I was receiving coaching. I was writing, talking and dreaming about coaching. In a very specific way I was focused on building my own practice that involved personal clients and a revelry of workshops. Many of them focused on how to experience the greatest love, garner the most money and do it all in the easiest fashion possible.<br />
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And in among all that Life was there. Waiting patiently for me to stop thinking I was running the show so it could show me what it had planned.<br />
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It took a giant slap in the face and a crumbling of the ego before I was really able to hear that.<br />
<br />
I went from earning $350 an hour to nothing. I got to a point where I couldn't pay my rent. I had to call the banks to put a hold on my debts. I had to cancel pretty much everything because Life was on the other line and I needed to take the call.<br />
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Fortunately, although my bank account was completely dry, I had an emotional and spiritual bank that was thriving. So I withdrew from that instead.<br />
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I sat in my reality and I listened to Life.<br />
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<i>Slow down</i>, it said.<br />
<br />
<i>Stop focusing on the money you think you should have</i>, it said.<br />
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<i>Listen and trust.</i><br />
<br />
So I did.<br />
<br />
And by doing that I began to hear a new way. Within a few weeks I got a call from an old colleague asking if I was available to do an 8-week stint back in publishing while she recruited to replace a copy editor who had just resigned. The "coaching" me would have said no. The coaching me would have said she had to focus on her plans and stick to them. But something in me felt that this option was slightly lighter. It had a slight sense of ease to it. And it had an end point – 8 weeks – which gave me enough grace to say yes without feeling like I was turning my back on my grand plans.<br />
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Yes, I still thought they were grand plans even though I had no clients at that point.<br />
<br />
So I said yes.<br />
<br />
And when I turned up, the team were so utterly lovely and the work so incredibly easy and enjoyable that I took the job on a full-time basis.<br />
<br />
Meanwhile, my ego gulped.<br />
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But from what I'd learned in my coaching studies and even though it seemed to be turning away from the grand plans, a greater part of it felt right.<br />
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That was when I began to distinguish that my ego, and not my higher self, had been running the show. But listening to one over the other isn't easy. Because the ego is loud. And very convincing.<br />
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The ego is the voice that tells you you're not trying hard enough, that you should be further along than you are. That taking the easy road is weak and gutless. That stopping before you've pushed yourself to failure (crossfit, anyone) is the mark of a quitter, and quitters don't succeed.<br />
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But I have a different theory based on my experience.<br />
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In my view, stopping or continuing has nothing to do with anything. Trying hard enough, or even just hard, has nothing to do with anything. Taking the low road or the high road is no business of anyone's.<br />
<br />
Except Life's.<br />
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Life is what determines our path, and we can resist it or we can accept it.<br />
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Whichever choice you make doesn't really matter but it can be the difference between happiness and suffering.<br />
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Suffering is merely the result of us listening to our loud and pushy egos. Nothing wrong with that. But when we're able to discern the difference between the ego and Life then that's where the real magic lies.<br />
<br />
Because as soon as I quit listening to my ego – the voice that passed judgement on my choices (and believe me, if there's ever judgement – that's the ego) – then everything began to get a lot easier. And not only did it get easier, it became sweeter, too.<br />
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Sweeter in the sense that once I let go of my version of how things should play out – that I would have a coaching practice full of clients, producing a 6 figure income – that very same thing materialised, only it showed up in a far more suitable and uncomplicated way.<br />
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It may have taken 18 months and it may not look the way I'd planned it but in no uncertain terms, Life has certainly delivered.<br />
<br />
My career is thriving. <i>I</i> am thriving. All that studying and self-reflection is paying off.<br />
<br />
And all I had to do for that to happen was let go of my version of things. But that's far, far easier to say than it is to do. Because very few of us are willing to really sit and look at ourselves and face our shit. In fact, if the world is our gauge, then as a global community we seem far more interested in what's on the outside than what's lurking on the inside.<br />
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But even with all the cosmetic intervention in the world, and no matter how beautiful you may be deemed to be, the only thing you can ever really rely on is Life. And that will change right under our noses and it will consistently pull the egoic rugs from under our feet.<br />
<br />
So while the world continues to embrace this ever-evolving cyberlution, I will, I'm proud to say, be firmly fixating on the other kind of selfie. The one that tells me where I'm at and shows me the difference between my ego and Life.<br />
<br />
And if you like that idea too, feel free to follow me on Instagram.<br />
<br />
<i>(Joke)</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-9493022273189891962016-01-04T16:03:00.001+11:002016-01-04T16:11:12.199+11:00The 7 Steps To Happiness<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfak86_YCRbBMAund_XjmuTiEpAPExNLsCXy5jDKhlSIqvpTFGoIGGp0VoOKN9K-53YvYCr_kfh2jxw3hmJEY7pyJbt6pCihkDBXuMo3I742WguZcgz6XYPvpVhVFcasBL31LEn8uUWoc/s1600/37598668_s.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="133" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjfak86_YCRbBMAund_XjmuTiEpAPExNLsCXy5jDKhlSIqvpTFGoIGGp0VoOKN9K-53YvYCr_kfh2jxw3hmJEY7pyJbt6pCihkDBXuMo3I742WguZcgz6XYPvpVhVFcasBL31LEn8uUWoc/s200/37598668_s.jpg" width="200" /></a>Hello and Happy 2016! I hope this year has started well for you!<br />
<br />
If you've been following my blog you'll know that 2015 was an interesting year for me. I had some astronomical highs and then ended the year on a bit of a bum note career-wise. But overall it was a good year and I learned a lot.<br />
<br />
This year however has already taken a massive turn for the better (more about that in another post) and it's down to a few key reasons, so I thought I'd share some of those insights as a starting point for the new year.<br />
<br />
This is basically what I have learned about happiness…<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>1. In order to be truly happy you have be prepared to feel like shit sometimes</b><br />
Yeah, I know that sounds counterintuitive but one thing I've learned from being on the spiritual journey (in other words, life's journey) is that happiness is not a stable emotion. In fact, it's not <i>just</i> an emotion; happiness is essentially a choice. But it only <i>becomes</i> a choice once you can separate yourself from your emotions long enough to accept them and come to realise that feeling unhappy/sad/angry etc is just a story.<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>2. Letting go of our stories is a choice too (and not always an easy one…)</b><br />
A friend asked me last week what I meant when I talked about "stories". A story is the padding we build around an event. It's the assumptions we make about why other people are doing things or why situations have played out the way they have. Those assumptions can seem very real, especially when society or your culture or your family can back-up and justify that same version of the truth. But stories are dangerous things and they keep us stuck in our misery. However, the hardest part of letting go of our stories isn't the actual letting go, it's the ability to see them and know them as stories in the first place.<br />
<br />
Unfortunately, stories will seem real until a) you can grasp the concept
that you are choosing to create your own reality and b) once you grasp
the concept, you then need to learn how to catch yourself to know that you are
distorting the truth. Those two things would take 20 blogs or more to
explain, so I'm going to take the risk here and assume that you either
know what I mean or that you can at least understand conceptually what I'm trying to
explain. <br />
<br />
<b>3. The ability to let go of stories doesn't guarantee happiness</b><br />
And then, as if it's not already complicated enough… The ability to recognise stories doesn't necessarily create instant happiness. It's not spiritual Nescafé. One of the most frustrating things about the spiritual path is that the further along the path you travel, the more you are able to unravel your own bullshit. But… it doesn't actually stop you from <i>creating</i> bullshit (i.e. stories) and neither does it excuse you from becoming frustrated with people or situations even though you know that ultimately everyone is doing their best with the resources they have. So, purely being "spiritual" or having an understanding of your stories doesn't guarantee happiness either. There's more to it than that…<br />
<br />
<b>4. Happiness is <i>dependent</i> on your allowing yourself to feel like crap </b><br />
After reading the above I wouldn't be surprised if you're confused. The upshot of happiness is that you have to be willing to fall down emotional holes, to feel your worst and "forget" that you are making up stories. But that doesn't happen overnight. No matter how evolved you are, you will repeat the same mistakes. And when you're repeating them you'll forget what you know about happiness. So, in order to really be happy, you have to be willing to feel like crap. <i>But that's not happiness</i> you might say. Well, actually, it is. Or at least it can be…<br />
<b><br /></b>
<b>5. Happiness is available even when life is what you might consider to be shitty</b>.<br />
The happiness that most of us talk about is conditional, a bit like love. We consider ourselves to be happy when things are going according to our plans. We say we love people but only if they love us back. We consider ourselves to be happy when people are being nice to us or when we've got money in the bank, or we're on holidays. But that's not real happiness – that's just a story – it's conditional. And stories can be shattered – even the good ones.<br />
<br />
<b>6. Conditional happiness is never lasting. True happiness is infinite. So how do you tell the difference and how can you create the latter?</b><br />
True happiness is available by getting comfortable with things that you don't like. By coming to terms with the truth. Truths such as: money comes and money goes; that people will love you one day and hate you the next; that today life might be full of joy but tomorrow everything could change, or that life also comprises of death.<br />
<br />
All of those things will happen to each and every one of us at some point in our lives, and the downside is, we'll never know when. But if we are prepared to feel sad and if we can accept that we might feel angry or bereaved then we're at least one step closer to true joy.<br />
<br />
<b>7. True happiness doesn't mean we can't feel all the other emotions too. </b><br />
True happiness is not dependent on things going well. It requires a much broader and spiritual perspective because it's not mutually exclusive to anger, fear or sadness, it can actually sit right alongside them. But it takes the ability to have a dual perspective – or in other words to see the bigger picture as well as the details.<br />
<br />
So if you want to make 2016 a happy year, start by making a pact with yourself to be willing to feel <i>all</i> your emotions and to be willing to stop categorising them as good, bad, better or worse. The best way I have found to establish a firm and lasting sense of joy is to be at peace with All Of Me. And that means the good bits, the shitty bits, the bits that cope well and the bits that crumble under pressure.<br />
<br />
If you are willing to accept All Of You as simply a small part of the whole then you're on the road to true happiness. Because once you can be OK with being angry or upset, or moody or frustrated then you're beginning to form a duality perspective – the ability to feel your feelings but be the observer at the same time.<br />
<br />
It's a deep and complex subject but if you start today by picking your least favourite trait (i.e the one that drives you mad or the one that other people are always pointing out to you) then start making friends with it. Start becoming OK with having that side to your personality. It's not about dissolving it or changing it, it's about literally accepting it as it is. No matter how big, bad or ugly you (or anyone else) believes it to be.<br />
<br />
Just let it be what it is. From there I guarantee you'll begin to see that happiness is possible even when you're acting out or being your "worst".<br />
<br />
True happiness is about perspective (choosing to allow yourself to feel all your feelings and not label them as good or bad) and acceptance (being OK with feeling something other than happy).<br />
<br />
Theoretically it sounds complicated and counterintuitive but the gift is in the experience. So give it a go. Spend the next couple days or weeks examining your "worst" traits. Get to know them. Stop avoiding them or shoving them in a basement with a sign that says Don't Go There. Get all of your emotions out on the table and Set Them Free.<br />
<br />
Once you make that choice, the rest i.e. True Happiness will simply begin to unfold.<br />
<br />
What have you got to lose? <br />
<br />
Choose happiness… Choose Love…<br />
<br />
h xx<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-11465998562434585702015-11-05T13:30:00.004+11:002015-11-05T13:30:45.240+11:00I Can't Do It!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Helloooo! Well, here I am, still alive. <br />
<br />
Breathing, eating, sleeping = tick. Life is good!<br />
<br />
After posting my blog <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/growing-pains.html" target="_blank">Growing Pains</a> I've had messages and emails from friends asking if I'm OK. The past few weeks have been some of the most powerful and awakening weeks I think I've ever had but they have involved parts of my world (and Self) falling apart.<br />
<br />
But I see that as a good thing and I'll tell you why…<br />
<br />
If you've read some of my other posts you'll have an idea about who I am and how I go about my business. My version of that is I'm a coper. By that I mean I can cope with almost any situation and still end up happy. Doesn't matter how bad the scenario, I might have a meltdown in the middle but it doesn't usually take me very long before I spot a silver lining or three and I'm back in Happyville.<br />
<br />
And that's great.<br />
<br />
However, part of my being an eternal optimist is my uncanny ability to solve problems. I mentioned in a previous blog <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/04/save-me.html" target="_blank">Save Me</a> that I'm a rescuer. One of my main archetypes is the rescuer/healer which has its upside (I'm really good at helping people/myself see a way out of their/my problems), and a downside (I have a tendency to "fix" things [things being people/me]).<br />
<br />
: /<br />
<br />
Being a natural healer (both of myself and for others) I'm very good at understanding the bigger picture, empathising (i.e. figuratively putting myself in the other person's shoes) and coming up with a creative and practical solution.<br />
<br />
And I do this for myself All The Time.<br />
<br />
Seriously, put me in a fatal car crash and I'll see it as an opportunity to grow, take away my job and I'll carve new pathways into my career, reduce my income and I'll come up with five new recipes that cost next to nothing but are still healthy and delicious.<br />
<br />
Really, it's almost ridiculous how I can maintain a positive outcome. But there is a converse reality to my apparent ability to cope with everything, and that is, that I can't.<br />
<br />
I'm a human being so there's absolutely no way I can cope with everything.<br />
<br />
No. Way.<br />
<br />
And that's where I've got to in the past few weeks. I've started allowing myself to not cope. I'm not falling into a ball of tears and unable to get out of bed – that's not my style. But I am allowing the part of me that cannot and does not want to cope (small as it may be) to underfunction.<br />
<br />
Underfunctioning and overfunctioning are terms I first heard when reading <i>The Dance of Anger</i> and <i>The Dance of Intimacy</i> by Harriet Lerner. Harriet is in my opinion one of the western world's leading psychotherapists and her books have literally helped change me.<br />
<br />
Upon reading her books I quickly identified with being an overfunctioner: I get things done, I always seem OK, people rarely offer to help me because I don't appear to need it.<br />
<br />
But anyone who identifies with that will agree that even those of us who seem to always have our sh*t together, sometimes don't. And in those times we'd really like someone to ask us how we're doing. Only, it's probably easier to know when an octopus is ovulating because overfunctioners give off such a strong vibe of being OK, you'd have to be Harriet Lerner to know when we're not.<br />
<br />
And as a classic case I can also vouch for the fact that we're usually not very good at asking.<br />
<br />
Guilty as charged.<br />
<br />
So, during the past few weeks as my client list and bank account shrank, I saw it as a fantastic opportunity to learn how to underfunction. Optimism = tick!<br />
<br />
Yup, instead of rushing in to "fix" my problem (my old pattern), I have used this recent experience to get to know a new part of myself. And I gotta tell you, it feels fantastic!<br />
<br />
Previously, I have had such an automatic response to solving problems that I've never given it a second thought before shifting into rescue mode. I think I had the notion that underfunctioning was a bit like an old cardigan that you might find in an opshop. It would have had holes in the elbows and missing buttons and probably smelled a bit musty.<br />
<br />
But, I'm thrilled to say, the complete opposite is true! Underfunctioning (for an overfunctioner like me) is like a fur-lined jacket that actually feels super soft and relaxed.<br />
<br />
<i>Who knew!</i><br />
<br />
Now I'm not saying that lying in bed, doing nothing and feeling sorry for yourself is going to soothe your Soul. I'm still taking action towards finding work and getting my cashflow back on track. The difference is I'm letting myself ask for help. I'm no longer pretending <i>I've got this</i>. I even had a conversation with my mum where I explained my situation and asked her if I could come and stay with her if things don't get better in the next couple of months.<br />
<br />
I would never have done that before.<br />
<br />
And to be frank, I don't intend to do it either, but it feels really good to have sat in the underfunctioning seat and asked for help. Really, really good.<br />
<br />
Truth is, that conversation has undone a lifetime of (unaware) inauthenticity on my part. I mean, I didn't even know that I was continually putting on a brave face and presenting a facade that was impossible to upkeep. Well, it lasted 44 years so that's not bad, but now I know I can let my guard down, I feel so much lighter!<br />
<br />
Because now I can be All Of Me. Even the tiny bits that I was previously locking in the basement because I was telling myself it was not OK to "fail" or need help. Like ever.<br />
<br />
Wow! Imagine trying to keep that up! But I hadn't even realised that's what I was doing. Coping and overfunctioning were so ingrained in me that I had absolutely no idea I was simultaneously denying a whole side of me that wants to take her hands off the wheel and let other people help.<br />
<br />
Amazing!<br />
<br />
And the greatest change that's occurred though all this is that I am now looking for a job! <i>Gasp!</i><br />
<br />
For 10 years I've resisted looking for solid, lasting employment because I was so hell bent on doing it my way (see above) and was in denial that actually, it would serve me to have steady work because then I could focus on my other pursuits without the underlying (and unconsciously overwhelming) need to sort my sh*t out so that I can eat.<br />
<br />
Phew!<br />
<br />
And the best part is I'm actually excited about finding a job! Because now I realise it's my choice and not just a reaction to needing money.<br />
<br />
Although it may sound counterintuitive, my letting go of needing to have it all sorted (especially in business) has allowed me a whole new sense of freedom to seek work that is meaningful to me.<br />
<br />
I'm not going to go back to what I know, I'm going to move forward into something I can grow into. I have a multitude of skills that I can make great use of and I no longer need to make it hard for myself.<br />
<br />
I had no idea that choice and freedom lay at the bottom of the ability to Let Go and simply wear a new emotional wardrobe. In my case, permission to not know how to fix my own problem but to simply let it unfold, which in turn is enabling me to find new choices and an incredible new sense of inner peace.<br />
<br />
All I ever needed to do to find that was to be completely useless! Well, not completely, but you get what I mean. I just needed to give myself permission to Be All Of Me, not just the bits that I thought were "good" and that deserved a pat on the back.<br />
<br />
No, true inner peace lies in allowing ourselves to be Everything We Are. Including the parts that can't cope, have no idea about budgets and who simply want to let go and ask someone else to sort it out for us. (Well, at least sometimes!).<br />
<br />
: )<br />
<br />
Choose love xxx<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-32351973358246590702015-10-28T10:38:00.001+11:002015-10-28T10:38:44.128+11:00Paradise Awaits<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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If you've read my last two blogs <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/growing-pains.html" target="_blank">Growing Pains</a> and <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/10/love-or-money.html" target="_blank">Love or Money?</a> you'll be familiar with the fact that I have been through a major financial breakdown in the last two weeks.<br />
<br />
The
breakdown was really a <b><i>breakthrough</i></b> in my ability to see reality vs the
fantasy I'd created around money. Namely, that I could carry on doing
exactly what I'd been doing for the past 10 years and somehow get a <i>completely</i> different result.<br />
<br />
Yuh, I know, right…<br />
<br />
So,
for the past two weeks I've been collecting my new thoughts and
cementing them with new actions and behaviours. Firstly, I had to meet
myself where I was at. By that I mean I had to see the truth – that my
current way of operating was never going to get me into the 6.5 million
dollar house on the Sunshine Coast that I have in my vision box.<br />
<br />
It's
a house that I've seen in my meditations for over 8 years. I didn't
even know it really existed until I found it while doing some research
about 2 months ago.<br />
<br />
Yep, really.<br />
<br />
So, let's talk about the Law of Attraction for a minute because that's really what this blog is all about.<br />
<br />
The
Law of Attraction (LOA) is a well documented phenomena. Most of us on
the spiritual path have heard of it and probably tried it – and
hopefully had some success. <br />
<br />
But, I'll bet on that
$6.5m house that even those of you who consider yourselves to be
conscious and/or "awake" or spiritual, have equally suffered from a
sense of WTF when it comes to the LOA. <br />
<br />
<i>WTF is this LOA that only seems to work sometimes and not others?</i> Surely by aligning our thoughts with what we want, we should be able to manifest it, right?<br />
<br />
Even if it's as big as a $6.5million dollar house on Sunshine Beach.<br />
<br />
Because
if you've been reading or listening to the same material as I have, the
LOA does not hold one thing bigger or smaller than another. Correct?<br />
<br />
Well,
after seeing my reality about money in an entirely new way since my
breakdown/breakthrough over the past two weeks, I'm going to add what I
can now understand about LOA and that is that there is a necessary
requirement that I was previously overlooking.<br />
<br />
So, to use my example:<br />
<br />
1. I asked the Universe to align me with the $6.5m house on the Sunshine Coast.<br />
2.
I KNOW I'm going to live in that house because I've seen it in my
meditations for over 8 years, and whenever I've envisioned things before
I actually saw them in real life, they have ALWAYS come into my
reality. Alignment = check.<br />
3. So, feeling like I'm completely
in alignment (see above), I firmly believe that I'm on the right path
to manifesting said house.<br />
4. And I'm right.<br />
5. But, in
order to manifest that house, I need to clear out any unsupporting
beliefs and thoughts that are currently preventing that house from being
in my immediate reality.<br />
6. In comes MAJOR BREAKDOWN #1.<br />
7.
In order to be in purest alignment with that house, I need to change.
The biggest change is that I need to meet my reality head on. And that
means I can no longer continue operating the way I've been operating for
the past 10 years, because if I do that, there's not a hope in hell
that I'll move into that house in this lifetime. No matter how creative I
am with the fantasy of that.<br />
8. In comes MAJOR BREAKTHROUGH #1.<br />
9. I have to change the way I'm doing things.<br />
10. In order to get into a more pure alignment I need to <i>breakdown</i> my fantasy so I can <i>breakthrough</i> to reality where I can create an entirely <i>new reality</i> that is in far greater alignment with what I want than I currently realise. In fact, I must <i>entirely</i>
let go of my belief that I know how to manifest that house and hand
that job over to the Universe. Which doesn't mean I completely take my
hands off the wheel, sign on to social services and keep fantasising. It
means I must learn to TRUST that I am being guided in a new direction
that may (or may not) seem congruent to my desire of buying that house,
but that is MOST LIKELY to be leading me to an exact match to the
feeling I want when I envision myself in that house, which is basically
that I feel happy, safe, successful and financially secure.<br />
<br />
Are you still with me?<br />
<br />
In
short: all the while we are clinging to our fantasy version of life,
whether that be around money, love or owning a house on the Sunshine
Coast, we are completely UNABLE to manifest the very thing we want.<br />
<br />
Until we meet reality we are unknowingly keeping ourselves from the very thing we are continually saying we want.<br />
<br />
For
10 years I've either been working part time as a freelance
writer/editor or I've been working full time setting up a new business,
be it a healing or coaching practice or an online business. So I've got
10 years of cold hard evidence that what I've been doing for that time
does NOT align with me manifesting a $6.5 million house in Queensland.<br />
<br />
And yet I have insisted on believing otherwise.<br />
<br />
I
have refused to see the truth in the situation. So on the one hand I've
been utilising my amazing skills and talents as a writer or healer and
I've been motivated and driven enough to set up buinesses and had some
success from that, but have I come anywhere near to moving into that
house?<br />
<br />
Not even!<br />
<br />
And yet, I've
continued believing that if I just keep doing what I'm doing for a bit
longer (another 10 years??) then SURELY that house will be mine.<br />
<br />
Well,
here's the rub. Through questioning my thoughts in a whole new way
during the past two weeks I was able to hear the Universe saying
"Sweetie, we really, really want to give you that house, (and anything
else you desire), but you're so busy sticking your head in the sand,
that we're finding it impossible to get it to you."<br />
<br />
Yes. I was so busy believing my own fantasy that I was completely (and unconsciously) ignoring the reality (which btw is <i>always</i> in alignment with the Universe), which meant I was STUCK.<br />
<br />
And so STUCK is what I was getting back via the LOA.<br />
<br />
You see?<br />
<br />
The
turnaround for me was seeing the reality: I needed to change the way I
was looking at my situation. And I could only do that by first accepting
the truth. That what I was doing wasn't working.<br />
<br />
Humble
pie alright! I call it more of a humble crumble because in order to see
the truth my ego had to crumble to nothing so that I could be clear
enough to see a new way.<br />
<br />
And now, amazingly, that's where I'm at.<br />
<br />
From
that place of truth I've been able to create a new agenda for my work
life. And although I'm not going to tell you exactly what showed up
(only because I don't want to mention the roles I've just applied for), I
can tell you that the situations that have landed in my lap just 24
hours after creating my new agenda are INCREDIBLE opportunities that I
would not have been able to see if I was still stuck in my fantasy.<br />
<br />
So you see the LOA does work.<br />
<br />
I
could already see that because I'd manifested outstanding results in
both love and money in the past 12 months alone. And yet, I was
unknowingly limiting even bigger results because I was staying in a
place where good stuff happened, but HUGE stuff was being blocked (by
me).<br />
<br />
So, if you're finding yourself stuck in a world
where the LOA only works for you sometimes even when you KNOW it works
and can FEEL the thing you desire, I invite you to enter into a new
level of self enquiry. I used Byron Katie's four questions which you can
find in her book <i>Loving What Is</i>, but there are numerous ways to deliver yourself from your own prison, so I'll let you find your own way on that one.<br />
<br />
Suffice
to say, after spending two weeks in one of the shittiest self-inflicted
breakdowns I've ever had, I can absolutely attest to the fact that if
you're willing to question yourself, especially on the things you really
think you know for sure, then on the other side of that enquiry you
might just find an overwhelming paradise that you couldn't see before.<br />
<br />
And
if you do, then I welcome you to a whole new world and an incredible
new level of trust in the Universe and the Law of Attraction.<br />
<br />
Choose Love xxx<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-38277624387264396792015-10-16T09:55:00.001+11:002015-10-16T10:48:05.077+11:00Love or Money?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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In contrast to my previous blog and at the risk of sounding schizophrenic, today I first want to say that no matter what you do in life, you'll always be in the perfect place for you.<br />
<br />
You can't be anything other than perfect. Ever. <br />
<br />
Yesterday I blogged about sharing your personal development journey with another person. How if you don't, you won't change as much as you hope. But the truth is, the opposite is also true.<br />
<br />
Do absolutely nothing, and you'll still end up in the perfect place anyways. Because even when things are completely out of control, the bigger truth is that it's all exactly right for you.<br />
<br />
Even when it doesn't look or seem that way. <br />
<br />
Action plays a role in our experience for sure, so yes, take action towards anything that takes your fancy, but rather than force that action, if we can come to a place where we simply flow with the easiest option, then our lives will unfold anyway and we'll be able to enjoy it, even when it "stinks".<br />
<br />
And that same theory applies to the concept of Love and Money.<br />
<br />
Can we believe in both? <br />
<br />
For the past few days I've been in a panic about money. Nothing new there. I've spent my entire life struggling with even the <i>concept</i> of money. When I was 16, my parents and siblings were each investing in an insurance plan that paid them out after 10 years (or something). The insurance dude would turn up at our house every second Thursday (or whatever it was), and every time he'd ask me "When are you going to sign up Hannah?" I would shrug him off and go to my room and get lost in music. My sanctuary.<br />
<br />
One day, I answered the door to the insurance guy and he flat out asked me: "Hannah, if you don't put money aside now, what are you going to live on in the future?"<br />
<br />
My answer?<br />
<br />
"I'll live on Love."<br />
<br />
It astounds me that I said that back then, and as much as we do live on Love because we <i>are</i> Love, money is the currency of the world and it definitely has a place. But the point I'm making here is that I have never understood money.<br />
<br />
The very idea of handing over cash and coins in exchange for something has always baffled me. <i>Why can't we all just give and receive and not worry about money?</i> I've often thought to myself. <i>What is this craziness that we all get so wound up about? Why can't we all just live in peace and love each other?</i><br />
<br />
You might think this is the idealistic thoughts of a teenager, but I still have those thoughts today. <br />
<br />
I can see that having money can be a good thing. I get it. Travelling is a big part of my life and I require money to pay for my flights and accommodation. I also spend a lot of money on personal growth: courses, books, coaching, it all costs money.<br />
<br />
But what I have recognised in the past few days is that all the while I was spinning my Love Story, underneath it I was unconsciously <i>resisting</i> money because I saw it as "bad".<br />
<br />
When you peel back my overriding philosophy that Love Is All There Is, I was also kidding myself into thinking I didn't <i>also</i> buy into the global money story. I did, but I had hidden that belief because it didn't match the identity I'd created for myself that said Love is all there is.<br />
<br />
I had been deceiving myself for years! <br />
<br />
A couple nights ago, I woke up at 2am and spent about 2 hours writing down some of my money beliefs. It was certainly eye opening. Some of the notions I'd held about money were so incongruent with my Everything Is Love beliefs that it was laughable. I had given money SO much weight and yet I thought I was viewing it as insignificant.<br />
<br />
Truth is, my up-until-then unconscious beliefs about money were the <i>complete opposite</i> of insignificant.<br />
<br />
Money was the biggest thing there was.<br />
<br />
Money had SO much weight that I couldn't handle it. Yes, my conscious mind told me it was less significant to me than Love, but my unconscious mind had created one helluva story that meant no matter how much I sang my Love Song, money was there, lurking in the corner wearing a dirty overcoat, ready to flash at any time.<br />
<br />
And now I can see that.<br />
<br />
And because I can see it, I can now change it.<br />
<br />
Until we shine a light on the very thing we're avoiding – which is often so unconscious to us that it's impossible to shine a light on it without the awareness of how to become aware of our hidden beliefs – we're basically living a lie.<br />
<br />
I know, that's a lot to take in… read it again.<br />
<br />
But the crazy thing about our unconscious beliefs is that even if we don't know how to shine a light on them, our experience is perfect anyways.<br />
<br />
So, in complete contrast to what I wrote yesterday: even if you do absolutely nothing to further your growth and expand your consciousness, it will happen anyways.<br />
<br />
Even if you believe in Love and think money is just a joke, you will realise the truth for you anyways.<br />
<br />
Even if you think money is what makes the world go around and Love is a futile concept, you'll realise the truth for you at some point anyways.<br />
<br />
Unless you don't.<br />
<br />
Which is the even bigger head f*ck of this whole experience.<br />
<br />
So, what am I saying here? Essentially I'm saying Do Whatever You Want. Do whatever feels right for you in this moment and if that feeling changes in the next moment, change what you're doing to match your new thought or feelings.<br />
<br />
It doesn't matter.<br />
<br />
I'm letting go of a big story I've held about money for my entire life, but did I need coaching or all those other courses to get me here? No. Would I be where I am today if I'd done nothing other than eat, sleep and work my whole life? Who knows. Point is, it doesn't matter.<br />
<br />
I chose the path I've chosen and I love it. It feels right for me. Until or unless it doesn't. <br />
<br />
Once we let go of our attachment to an outcome, nothing matters anymore. And that's where joy really comes in. Have money, don't have money, meet your soulmate, don't meet your soulmate, hire a coach, don't hire a coach, it doesn't matter.<br />
<br />
Just follow your own path in the moment: follow the path of least resistance and just let the Love or money flow in.<br />
<br />
Or not. <br />
<br />
Whatever.<br />
<br />
h xx<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-51151969974473401002015-10-15T08:48:00.000+11:002015-10-15T08:48:00.207+11:00Growing Pains<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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OK, I'm gonna come clean.<br />
<br />
I am completely f*cked.<br />
<br />
A couple months ago I waved goodbye to a 22 year career as a magazine writer and editor. I publicly announced it on Facebook because I absolutely knew that being a coach is my life's purpose and at the time, the money was rolling in, I had a healthy repertoire of clients and life was buzzing along.<br />
<br />
The prior 6 months that I'd spent working with my own coach had lifted me to incredible new heights both work/money and love-wise. I was in a space I'd never been in before. So I did the obvious thing and hired my coach for another 6 months, then I joined a coaching group where more amazing lessons came thick and fast on a daily basis. And it was even more amazing!<br />
<br />
But then, all of a sudden, the Shit Hit The Fan.<br />
<br />
And not only did the shit hit the fan, but my emotional faeces sprayed long and wide and appears to be on a mission to take me down.<br />
<br />
My insides feel like they're covered with shit. My belief system has turned into a sewerage pit, I can barely hold a cup with my right hand, my back feels like it might crumble if I make any sudden moves, and my bank account, well, that's the best part. I can't even pay my rent.<br />
<br />
Awesome, huh!<br />
<br />
And why would I write about this you might ask? Because it's the truth. So, here goes…<br />
<br />
If I were to look at my current situation in a linear way (what I call Mass Majority thinking), then I would seriously be fucked. The straight lines that our current operating system has been built on say that I should go get a job. That I should be more sensible. That I should spend less money on travel and save more for my future. That I should be married with kids. That I should swear less. That I should wear shoes. That I'm too old to sit on the floor, I should sit in a chair. <br />
<br />
You get the picture.<br />
<br />
But I'm not doing any of that. I live by my own rules. My mum says I'm the butterfly in the family (a nice way of saying I fly by the seat of my pants). But there are consequences of living this way and they are huge.<br />
<br />
The consequences of living what I call a Curly Existence mean I don't have social norms to fall back on. I don't have a savings account or a day job to prop me up when life gets tough. When it rains, I get wet. When the money runs out, I don't eat. Or, I get creative.<br />
<br />
Before I go completely off point here, what I'm trying to say is that what's really happening for me at the moment is Personal Growth.<br />
<br />
And growth hurts.<br />
<br />
In fact the more you grow and the quicker you grow the more it hurts. Think of a baby. We wonder why they're crying sometimes, but think about it, their bodies and awareness are growing rapidly every day. No wonder they bawl at "nothing", huh!<br />
<br />
And that's where coaching comes in. At the point of growth.<br />
<br />
Before I became a coach I thought coaching was about helping people feel better about their lives. I thought it was about motivating them to feel like they can reach their goals (even if they don't). And I thought <i>Wow, I'll be really good at that, that's what I do anyway.</i><br />
<br />
And that's absolutely where I started. Both as a coach and as a client of my coach. I felt all the nice stuff that was missing for me. More money, deeper love, being paid to support people and having someone who was there to support me no matter what.<br />
<br />
But as I travelled deeper into my journey that path opened up so wide that I no longer had the right vehicle to go any further. My emotional capacity was no longer in alignment with where I am heading. My beliefs no longer held enough weight to keep me where I'd been for the past 44 years.<br />
<br />
And so I needed to change. To grow.<br />
<br />
But it fucking hurts.<br />
<br />
There's a tendency for us to run away from pain. Who wants to feel pain? Makes perfect sense to shut that shit down, turn around and go back to the "safe zone". "Normality". What we already know.<br />
<br />
But if you really want to change your life, then you gotta grow. And it will hurt. No exception.<br />
<br />
Anyone who is truly committed to change will experience a version of what I'm going through. In order to break my old habits I gotta learn new ones. But until I learn them there's a transition. There's a whole lotta I Don't Knows to navigate.<br />
<br />
And that's where many of us stop.<br />
<br />
We're halted in our tracks when we get to I Don't Know. We want to hire a coach but we can't afford it. We want to find our soulmate but we don't want to open up first. We want more money but we're not willing to have less first.<br />
<br />
But as long as we sit on the current side of change there's only one truth. We Don't Change.<br />
<br />
Well, we do a bit, but ultimately, we become another member of the herd. Society says don't take risks, play it safe, save for a rainy day, play by the rules, do your homework…<br />
<br />
But I say Fuck That.<br />
<br />
Live <i>Your</i> Life. Take that risk. Spend that money. Make your own rules and <i>never ever</i> do your homework unless YOU want to.<br />
<br />
If you do that you'll be scared sometimes. You'll have less money than you think you should sometimes. You'll have friends who will look at you like you're a lunatic sometimes.<br />
<br />
But you'll be free. And on the other side of that pain you'll find a new life. A paradise that you can call your own. And your friends and colleagues will wish they had the freedom you'd created. Because as much as it can feel nice to have money, a wife or husband and a steady job, without the freedom to be yourself you have nothing.<br />
<br />
All that other stuff can be taken away from you. At a moment's notice. And you might never see it coming.<br />
<br />
As a coach, I work with people to find themselves. I no longer motivate people to feel good about themselves. I encourage them to feel their pain. I even take them there. I push my clients' buttons to the point that they say they hate me.<br />
<br />
And I'm glad when they do.<br />
<br />
Because it means they're really growing. When they give me that look that says "Really? You want me to tell you what I <i>don</i>'t want you to know about me?" Then I know we're getting somewhere.<br />
<br />
And the reason I know that is because that's my journey too. I don't have all the answers. I have no idea what it is you really want, and from what I see in my clients neither do they. But I do know that if you don't go to that dark and shitty place that you've been avoiding your whole life then you might have a nice life, (and I hope you will), but you'll never become the most brilliant version of you that you can really be.<br />
<br />
Because there will always be a fear lurking in your unconscious that is urging you to shine. Or a fear that the money will run out, or your partner will run out. <br />
<br />
Going to that new place is fucking hard and it fucking hurts, but on the other side of the pain is a life that shines brighter than any diamond. And that's where I'm heading. I'm done playing small. I'm done pretending to Be Me while I run a tape that says I can only do that for a while. Until the money runs out and I go back to a day job again.<br />
<br />
But you know what, this time I'm sticking it out. This time I'm gonna step right into the septic tank and stick my face in it. I'm gonna ignore the "reality" and spread that shit all over my body. I'm gonna feel the pain. Inhale it. Smother myself in it until I stink.<br />
<br />
And then?<br />
<br />
Well, I don't know what then.<br />
<br />
I've never done this before. I've always stopped at this point. The point where it gets sooooo tough and sooooo scary that I revert back to "reality".<br />
<br />
But not any more. And never again. I don't know what's on the other side but I'm willing to find out. Because if I don't then I'll never know. Which means I'm buying into the story that I've been saying I don't agree with for my whole life.<br />
<br />
So today I'm willing to hurt. I'm willing to Have No Idea what's on the other side. And I'm willing to take the biggest chance I've ever taken. To stay. To feel the pain that's taking over my body. To crack the "reality" that I've bought into even when it looked like I wasn't.<br />
<br />
Are you willing to do that too?<br />
<br />
If you are, then I'm here, not just as a coach, but as a fellow human being who's doing it too. I'll help you. I'll sit by you while you weep in fear at what's to come. I won't know the answers but I'll support you.<br />
<br />
If you know deep down that there's a greater version of you that wants to be set free, then talk to me. Come show me your pain. I promise I won't judge. I'll simply guide you through it.<br />
<br />
And I might not be the right coach for you. And coaching isn't the only answer. But choosing to stay the same is definitely not going to set you free. And knowing that it's scary and knowing you haven't been able to do it on your own, then think about it. Are you living your best life? Are you willing to move through I Don't Know to have what it is you REALLY want?<br />
<br />
If you are then I sincerely encourage you to find someone who can travel that journey with you. To take the risk that feels too big. And if not, then that's your choice too, I respect that. Kind of.<br />
<br />
But I know there's more that's available to you. I just know it.<br />
<br />
Meantime, I'll see you on the other side.<br />
<br />
Choose love xx<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-62348526201176587402015-04-09T18:47:00.000+10:002015-04-09T18:57:06.371+10:00The End Of The Road<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, earlier this year I outed my deepest and most personal "secret" in a blog called <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/defining-moments.html" target="_blank">Defining Moments</a>. It was about the fact that I had survived a horrific car crash that took the life of my friend Dawn and left my then-boyfriend Steve in a coma for a while.<br />
<br />
For those of you who have read the story, there are a few questions that haven't yet been answered. Hopefully this blog will serve up the final words on that night and fill you in on the missing pieces that I haven't yet shared.<br />
<br />
I'll start with the verdict.<br />
<br />
The accident happened on 8 December 1989. It was a Friday night and as you already know, we had a head-on collision with a truck. There were four of us involved. My friend Dawn who died at the scene, my boyfriend Steve (who was driving) who suffered head injuries and was in a coma for a couple of months, and then there was the driver of the truck, and me.<br />
<br />
As neither Dawn nor Steve could testify, and because there was a question as to whether Steve or the truck driver was potentially at fault, I was the only witness.<br />
<br />
From memory, the inquest happened around April 1990, about 5 months after the crash.<br />
<br />
I had already walked away from my relationship with Steve, had come out the other side of a nervous breakdown and was surviving as best I could. My dad and my friend Carol came with me to the courthouse.<br />
<br />
As you can imagine, Steve's family would have been desperately troubled over this verdict as it could potentially throw their son under the spotlight and as far as they knew, maybe he was at fault. And what would that mean?<br />
<br />
I was no longer in contact with them and you can read all about why in my blog <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/broken-but-not-forever.html" target="_blank">Broken But Not Forever</a>. Suffice to say, I wasn't exactly over the moon when I saw his dad and one of his uncles sitting outside the courtroom when I got there.<br />
<br />
In fact, I wish the ground could have swallowed me up because it became another chance for his family to use me as a scapegoat and take a stab at me with their projected pain.<br />
<br />
As I sat waiting to be called, Steve's dad came over to me.<br />
<br />
"Why did you say you were travelling at 40 miles an hour?"<br />
<br />
He had been given a copy of my statement (that had been taken a couple of days after the crash), and he was far from pleased with what I had said. Even though it was the truth.<br />
<br />
I honestly don't remember what I said in response but I do remember feeling mentally bashed (once again), and totally appalled at his lack of respect, lack of compassion and basic lack of human spirit as he venomously spat his thinly-veiled accusation at me.<br />
<br />
Like it was my fault his son was in a coma and that my friend was dead?<br />
<br />
I don't think I need to tell you, his spiteful words didn't exactly help me feel better about an already stressful situation.<br />
<br />
Thankfully it wasn't long before our case was up and I was called to the witness stand. Declaring my oath to tell the truth and nothing but, the judge proceeded to ask me a bunch of questions which I answered as authentically as I could remember.<br />
<br />
The verdict was given almost instantly: Accident.<br />
<br />
That's right. Neither Steve nor the truck driver were held accountable. The verdict was that the accident was exactly that: an accident.<br />
<br />
…<br />
<br />
As for Steve's health? I don't know the answer to that. I have never heard from him since. Bar one phone call a week after I left him there has been no contact. I heard that he suffers from epilepsy and walks with a slight limp, but that's hearsay and not something I can verify.<br />
<br />
I did write him a letter about 4 years ago. I found an address for someone with the same name as him at an address that was in the vicinity of where we lived at the time. I never got a reply. But when you think about it, it took me 22 years to write that letter, so it could take 22 years for him to respond. If it even ever reached him. Which I guess I'll never know.<br />
<br />
…<br />
<br />
The final question that I may have left unanswered is about whether I've ever actually been in love since I walked away from my first love. I wrote in <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/life-sentence.html" target="_blank">Life Sentence</a> that I hadn't ever loved a man as wholly and completely as I loved Steve, and that's at least partially true.<br />
<br />
However, just for the record, and to clear up any misunderstanding (especially for my exes…!), I should make it clear that yes, of course I have been in love since then. The point I was making is that I had come to realise that part of me had stayed locked in that situation. Until I saw it more clearly, which is why I wrote about it.<br />
<br />
It's not that I've never loved anyone since then, but I had a definite sense that some part of me had been holding myself accountable for walking away, and I hadn't recognised it until last year when it was the 25th anniversary of the crash.<br />
<br />
My writing about the Life Sentence wasn't so much to say that I have been a stone cold ice queen for 25 years, it was merely that I had come to a new level of understanding of who I am in relationships and that maybe, part of me had been holding back because the first time I'd fallen in love it all ended terribly. And that maybe a part of me had held on to that because I was scared to love at that deep level incase I ended up feeling as hurt as I had back then.<br />
<br />
So, in order to set the record straight, I should acknowledge that I have been in love many times.<br />
<br />
There was the sensitive musician who I had a 2-year relationship with when I was 21. I definitely loved him because I was distraught when he called it off. Then there was the DJ who stole my heart and who I reconnected with 15 years after our first fling. Still love him. And of course, my longest relationship – 9 years with the kooky creative who was a brilliant athlete and all-round funny guy. That was a love that had its own recipe and came to a natural end.<br />
<br />
They're the ones I call my most important loves, but to be honest, I fall in love on some level all the time.<br />
<br />
So my Life Sentence wasn't about never having loved since then, it was about having baggage that I hadn't fully let go of. Which as far as I can see, means not fully allowing myself to love in the way I did when I was 16 when life seemed so bright and full of promise.<br />
<br />
Lucky for me, that baggage has been put down and I am now in a far more available position than I can ever remember.<br />
<br />
Maybe this is where all of us arrive at some point? I don't know. But what I do know is that I feel different. More free and ready to dive in to new things without holding on to the unconscious belief that I still owe my ex for leaving him.<br />
<br />
So there it is. The conclusion to my 25 years of unconscious "suffering".<br />
<br />
Having been through such an awful experience as being involved in a fatal car accident it's worth saying that I believe the worst things that happen are truly our greatest gifts.<br />
<br />
Losing people we love and being forced to get up and dust ourselves off when all we want to do is crumble and fall is one of life's most humbling yet empowering opportunities. And I'm glad I went through all of it. Because now I get to look back on past events and see how far I've come.<br />
<br />
I can look through the window of the past and notice how strong those painful moments have made me. They provided me with a choice to grow and become a better person. And they have certainly made me more compassionate.<br />
<br />
I hope you've enjoyed travelling that road with me as I relived the pain and unearthed those memories that, until writing this blog, had been stored in my cells, waiting to be set free.<br />
<br />
Because now, I'm well and truly back on the road and loving every minute.<br />
<br />
And I hope you are too.<br />
<br />
Choose love xx<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-1033436917522909712015-04-04T10:32:00.000+11:002015-04-04T10:58:00.954+11:00Save Me!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This morning I happened upon a video by Robert Ohotto – a US based astrologer who sits alongside the likes of Michael Beckwith and Carolyn Myss (two top spiritual authors/speakers). <br />
<br />
Robert talked about how he looks at astrology as a symbolic representation of what's going on within us.<br />
<br />
I've always leaned towards astrology as a tool to help me figure myself (and other people) out or to get some more information about what's going on in the world, so what he said resonated with me.<br />
<br />
But whether you see astrology as science or BS, is neither here nor there, because regardless of where you find your prompts, what Robert said this morning has got me thinking.<br />
<br />
Today is a full moon eclipse, which, from what I can gather is called a Blood Moon. This means that the Earth is moving in front of the moon creating a shadow that will eventually cause the moon to appear red (due to refracted light coupled with particles from the Earth… but enough of the science, it's not my strong point…)<br />
<br />
Blah blah on a bit longer and what Robert said lit a lightbulb for me. He said, this <i>particular</i> full moon eclipse is in Libra which represents our relationships, specifically our shadow side in relationships (i.e the shit bits that we consistently cock up and can't figure out why).<br />
<br />
And heck, I dunno about you but I have a ream of f*cked up shit that I do in relationships that scans from not speaking my mind in the moment and saving it till I'm truly pissed off – when I lose my shit and attack my partner's character as opposed to their behaviour, through to simply being awkward around guys I like when all I want to do is skip up to them, give them a smile and tell them how amazing I think they are.<br />
<br />
As Robert Ohotto pointed out, each of us has themes that come up time and again that are not necessarily a problem unless they're in this shadow realm (the bits that don't make sense, even to us). He suggested thinking about our patterns and then choosing to do something completely opposite.<br />
<br />
What he was talking about is based on our archetypes (Carolyn Myss is the queen of archetypes so if you want to know more, read her book <i>Sacred Contracts</i>).<br />
<br />
To make it easy, I'll give you an example; I'll tell you what mine are. Firstly, I'm a rescuer. I want to save people from themselves. That's why I became a bodywork therapist and ran a healing practice for a few years. And it's why I'm moving into the space of becoming a Life Coach. I have an inner need to help people. Helping is the "shiny" side of that characteristic, but the shadow is wanting to save people who neither need to be saved nor want to be.<br />
<br />
And trust me, I do both. If I see a man looking forlorn or better still, if I date a guy with those cute-as-hell puppy dog eyes that scream "Save me", you can bet I'll be scooping them into my healing hands and giving them the time of their lives so that they can feel whole and complete again.<br />
<br />
Just like me.<br />
<br />
Umm, yeah, maybe not so much, right?<br />
<br />
Psychologists will argue about where and how these archetypes are formed, and I'm not going to go into it because 1) It's not my area of expertise and 2) You can look that up separately. However, there is most certainly a link between the role we saw for ourselves as children, and any "wounded child" behaviours that have stuck around into adulthood. But without going into where mine came from, I'll simply move on to stage 2…<br />
<br />
Which is: flipping the shadow behaviour into something more useful.<br />
<br />
For me, now that I can identify that I fly into rescue mode, Robert Ohotto suggests I flip that shadow trait on its head and, after first recognising that "I am enough", choose who I want to be instead of falling straight into that old shadow pattern. Just like the way the moon flips from moving into shadow, becoming a full blood moon and then perambulating through the reverse shadow until it's full again.<br />
<br />
When I looked at my need to "save men" I reframed it to mean asking for help <i>from</i> men.<br />
<br />
<i>Gulp</i><br />
<br />
You might laugh, but when I wrote that down this morning I actually let out an involuntary gasp! Yup, no lie, I gasped in SHOCK at the very thought that I might ask a man/men to help ME.<br />
<br />
<i>[Collapse into pseudo-faint]</i><br />
<br />
Tells you something, doesn't it.<br />
<br />
So. Asking for help from men it shall be. <i>[Breaks into cold sweat…]</i><br />
<br />
The fact I had such a strong reaction to this is certainly testament that it is a valuable lesson for me. And never one to turn away from a challenge (particularly one that I've set for myself), I shall endeavour to move into this space – pronto.<br />
<br />
In fact, I have two perfect opportunities to do this very thing today.<br />
<br />
1) I'm going on a first date this arvo with someone who knows very little/nothing about me, and 2) I've recently made friends with a guy who, until I watched Robert's video this morning, I didn't realise had (at least partially) been on my "rescue radar". So I think I'm gonna ask him to help me with this.<br />
<br />
If you feel like playing with the energies of the moon, or if you just like to stretch yourself and work on becoming a better version of you, I invite you to consider what <i>your</i> relationship shadow(s) might be?<br />
<br />
And if you feel like <i>you</i> need to rescue anyone, then try me! I'll be the one in the corner looking forlorn and helpless, and trying not to save all those poor, puppy dog-eyed males from making the terrible mistake of trying to help <i>me</i>.<br />
<br />
Or will I?<br />
<br />
Let me know how you go!<br />
<br />
h x<br />
<br />
<br />
And PS, if you're still waiting for me to answer some of the Qs from my previous blogs about the car accident – stay tuned. I'll be writing the conclusion this Easter weekend. h xx<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-37724733344924648362015-02-08T16:58:00.002+11:002015-02-08T16:58:51.892+11:00The Voice Within<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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If you've been following my last three blogs <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/defining-moments.html" target="_blank">Defining Moments</a>, <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/life-sentence.html" target="_blank">Life Sentence</a> and <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/broken-but-not-forever.html" target="_blank">Broken, But Not Forever</a> you'll be up to speed on the fact that I survived a horrific car accident when I was 18. My friend D died at the scene and my then-boyfriend suffered head injuries and was in a coma for a number of weeks.<br />
<br />
Me? I walked away with a ripped earlobe and some torn ligaments.<br />
<br />
"We saw the car," said the police when they came to my house a few days later to interview me. "It was a total wreck," they said. "I don't know how anyone managed to survive that crash."<br />
<br />
Damn straight. The roof had to be cut off the car and the front end was basically squashed under a truck. It was a mangled wreck to say the least so I'm not surprised the cops were amazed at how I survived.<br />
<br />
But I know exactly how that happened.<br />
<br />
About a month before the accident I was temping as a receptionist for a construction company. I had been working as a temp since the age of 16. After leaving school in year 10 I had skipped college and gone straight into the workplace. I wanted to be a temp and had managed to manifest that dream despite having nothing but a couple of O-levels (certificates of achievement in English and maths) and a bucket full of confidence.<br />
<br />
My confidence wasn't just teenage arrogance. I'd harboured a very cool "secret" since the age of about 3 when I realised that I could "smell" whether someone was trustworthy or not. That secret evolved into a deep knowing. I somehow always knew what was the right path to follow, or if someone was being deceitful or dishonest.<br />
<br />
Now, obviously at the age of 3 I wasn't able to articulate what I have just explained to you, but I do know that from as young as I can remember, I had a very strong sense of knowing what was "right" and what was "wrong". It didn't necessarily mean I never did anything "wrong", because wrong means all kinds of different things to different people depending on the circumstance and their own version of what's "good" and "bad". But I definitely had an inner compass that sensed whether I should do X, Y or Z.<br />
<br />
"Go and sit on so-and-so's lap" my parents might say.<br />
<br />
<i>Not on your nelly</i>, I would think to myself.<br />
<br />
"Eat your beetroot" said the dinner lady.<br />
<br />
<i>But I'll be sick. </i><br />
<br />
"Eat it," she insisted.<br />
<br />
So I ate it and promptly vomited bright purple spew all over the classroom.<br />
<br />
Those are two very general examples but what I'm trying to point out here is that even as a very young child – when you're expected to listen to and believe what teachers, aunts, uncles and parents tell you – I had an inner barometer that would sometimes tell me a very different story, and lucky for me, I knew when to listen to that voice instead.<br />
<br />
I became such good friends with that voice (which is most often actually a feeling), that when I got to the age of 18 and heard it even louder than ever before, I knew I had to sit up and listen.<br />
<br />
And thank God I did.<br />
<br />
"Hannah, be careful."<br />
<br />
This was the voice I heard every time I got into my car during the month that led up to the accident.<br />
<br />
True. Every single time I got behind the wheel of my bright yellow Ford Fiesta, (my first car), a voice, as clear as day would "appear" over my right shoulder and tell me to be careful.<br />
<br />
<i>Huh?</i><br />
<br />
At first, despite it being a very loud voice (one that I knew no-one else would be able to hear), I was surprised. Because despite being highly intuitive, most of my intuition arrived in the form of a feeling. Yes, there would be a thought attached but it was more of a sensation followed by some inner dialogue where as this was like a real person standing over my shoulder and speaking VERY LOUDLY.<br />
<br />
I couldn't ignore it.<br />
<br />
I'm not sure if I remember telling one of my friends or if I've since made that up, but I think I told a girlfriend because even as someone who relied on their intuition all the time, it was a bit weird. The memory I have is that I told a friend, "Hey, I keep getting this voice telling me to be careful every time I get into my car, so I'm just telling you incase anything happens and you'll know I wasn't going mad."<br />
<br />
Whether I really did tell her or not, I'm not 100% sure.<br />
<br />
But I am 100% sure that the voice existed. Because on the night of the accident I heard it again.<br />
<br />
Only this time, I wasn't the one driving.<br />
<br />
On the way to pick up D, I was sitting in the front passenger seat of my boyfriend's car. I wasn't wearing a seatbelt. This was 1989 and wearing a seatbelt had (I think) only fairly recently been made compulsory. Sometimes I would wear it, sometimes not. And there were definitely no seat belts in the back seat of the car. Or if there were, there were no laws saying you should wear them.<br />
<br />
So, driving to D's house I did not have my seatbelt on. I didn't even think about it. I often didn't wear it.<br />
<br />
When we pulled up at D's house, I jumped out and let her into the backseat. We were in a 2-door car so she had to climb past the front seat to get in the back.<br />
<br />
As soon as I sat back down I heard the voice saying "Put your seatbelt on."<br />
<br />
I didn't think about it. I didn't question it. And I didn't hesitate. I simply put my seatbelt on.<br />
<br />
<i>Clunk. Click</i>.<br />
<br />
…<br />
<br />
You know the rest of the story so I won't go through it all again. But suffice to say, had I not paid heed to that voice and fastened my seatbelt, I think it's reasonable to assume that I would not be here today.<br />
<br />
At the very least (or most), I would probably be a vegetable.<br />
<br />
There's no way of knowing of course, but going by the wreckage that cost my friend her life and left my boyfriend with severe injuries, I can take a fair punt in the assumption that I would have been flung out of my seat, hit the dashboard and been thrown around in such a way that would have most likely resulted in my being severely physically damaged. There were no airbags in those days so the only thing between me and the windscreen was the dashboard.<br />
<br />
My friend D was in the backseat (with no seatbelt) and was flung past me straight into the windscreen. She hit me on the way past which twisted my seat round to the left and caused me to feel as though I'd been hit by a baseball bat on the right side of my head.<br />
<br />
Truly horrible.<br />
<br />
If I hadn't been strapped in, (thanks to the voice that told me to do so, I was), the collision – not only of our car and the truck – but of D and I, would probably have been a lot worse for me.<br />
<br />
In fact, I'm pretty sure I'd be dead.<br />
<br />
It sounds dramatic to say all this, and maybe it is because there's no way of knowing what would have happened. And there's no need to even go there except that it's healing for me. But the reason I'm writing this is not to shock or to retread the past, it's to show how important listening to our instinct is.<br />
<br />
Had I not learned to listen to my inner voice, to my gut, to my inner barometer, I may not have listened to that voice that night. And had I been someone with less trust in myself and the Universe, I may have heard the voice but hesitated, or questioned it, or not paid attention, thinking it was just me being silly.<br />
<br />
But the voices we hear are not silly. We all have an inner voice. You might hear it as a voice, or you might just feel things, or maybe you see stuff? I get all three, but feelings are the most common sensation for me.<br />
<br />
Truly, I am certain that all the guidance we need is within us. Right in the palm of our hands and the centre of our chest. In our hearts. All you have to do is learn to trust those feelings. To listen to what your body and your heart is telling you.<br />
<br />
I'm lucky in the sense that when I get a feeling that something isn't right, or that I should take <i>that</i> road instead, or not get on <i>that</i> bus, or <i>fasten my seatbelt</i>, that I listen. I trust my heart. I always have. And lucky for me, I have proof that those inner messages are for real. That they are there to serve us and keep us safe.<br />
<br />
Because if it wasn't for that voice that told me to put my seatbelt on that night of December 8, 1989 there's a very high chance I wouldn't be writing this blog and you wouldn't be reading it.<br />
<br />
So learn to trust your inner voice.<br />
<br />
It might just save your life x<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-30238763430209568022015-01-30T10:17:00.001+11:002015-01-30T10:17:40.952+11:00Broken, But Not Forever…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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The human spirit is incredibly powerful.<br />
<br />
But the ways in which we behave can test that spirit beyond belief.<br />
<br />
If you've read my last blog <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2015/01/life-sentence.html" target="_blank">Life Sentence</a>, you'll know that when I was 18 I was in car accident that left my best friend dead, and my boyfriend in a coma. And you'll have read that I made a choice to break up with my boyfriend because his family had made it very clear that they didn't want me around while he was still so fragile.<br />
<br />
But a friend asked me this week; "Why would anyone ostracise the girlfriend of their son when they would have known she (me) was obviously grieving?"<br />
<br />
Well, there's a whole bunch of reasons why, and I'm about to tell you what they could have been.<br />
<br />
Now, obviously I don't have access to another person's mind, so what I'm about to tell you is simply speculation. I've had a long time to think about all the why's and what for's of the accident and I have spent a lot of time doing just that. So when it comes to understanding what his parents were going through, even though there's no way I could possibly know for sure, the one thing that makes me feel authorised to share what I'm about to say is that I have no bad feelings towards them whatsoever.<br />
<br />
Literally none.<br />
<br />
But of course, that wasn't always the case…<br />
<br />
As I drove away from S's house after breaking up with him, I cried a river. But like I said in my last blog, I also felt relieved. Somehow I had just set us both free. Well, maybe not him in the immediate sense because he would now probably go through a grieving period of not having a girlfriend, but looking at it through a big picture lens, his family would now be able to parent him in the way they saw best.<br />
<br />
When I got home that night I stumbled through the door into the hallway of my parents' house and immediately broke down. Remember, I had already been signed off work for having a nervous breakdown and I was still a complete and utter mess. My parents were distraught at how upset I was. I told them I just had broken up with S because his parents were treating me so badly and I couldn't take it anymore.<br />
<br />
Prior to the accident it wouldn't have been very often that even my parents would have seen me cry, so having them witness me in floods of tears must have twisted their hearts like a knife.<br />
<br />
They knew how much I was hurting from losing my friend and from essentially losing my boyfriend. And even though we never talked about the accident (my family don't necessarily speak their love, they show it in other ways), they could see how broken I was.<br />
<br />
It was too much.<br />
<br />
As the three of us (my mum, my dad and I) stood in the hallway, with me still sobbing uncontrollably, my dad picked up the phone and called S's parents. The poor man was torn apart seeing me so heartbroken and he very lovingly tried to relay his thoughts over the phone. I remember him telling them that every night he saw me coming home and bursting into tears. That whatever it was they were saying or doing to me was not on. He wasn't yelling or shouting, but he was firmly telling them that he wasn't happy with the way they had been treating me.<br />
<br />
<i>Thank you Dad.</i><br />
<br />
I don't know what was said on the other end of the line and I don't recall much more than what I've just told you, but the phone conversation ended and I felt loved and supported by my parents. My dad had just said what I wasn't able to say and I was glad that he had been able to articulate some of my pain to them.<br />
<br />
I hated them.<br />
<br />
But that's still telling my side of the story, and it's not explaining why they would have been so "mean" to me.<br />
<br />
It took me a long time, but once I had processed most of my own grief and had managed to move from victim to warrior, I began to imagine what it must have been like from their perspective.<br />
<br />
I considered: <i>what must it feel like to be the parent of an 19-year-old son who was driving a car with two passengers, one of whom is no longer alive?</i><br />
<br />
<i>That's pretty full on,</i> I thought.<br />
<br />
<i>That would be terrifying,</i> I thought.<br />
<br />
Especially when you consider <i>Maybe your son was the cause of that accident? Maybe he did something that caused those two vehicles to wind up in a head on collision? And maybe he will be charged with manslaughter or whatever legal term there is for causing the death of another person because you misjudged a situation while in control of a car?</i><br />
<br />
Hmm, things started to look a little different…<br />
<br />
The more I thought about it, the more their situation became "clear" to me. I use inverted commas here because like I said, this is still only my version of how it could have been for them.<br />
<br />
But the fact is: they have a son in a coma. The fact is that a passenger of his vehicle is dead. The fact is they are legally not allowed to contact the parents of D until the inquest, which at this point hasn't had a date set. The fact is, they are not even allowed to attend Ds funeral.<br />
<br />
They didn't know D or her parents, but put yourself in their place: I <i>imagine</i> they would have wanted to show their respects. I <i>imagine</i> they were terrified that their son might be charged with the death of my friend. And I can <i>only imagine</i> how utterly distressing all of that must have been, especially when they are having to visit their son – who's in a coma – and that they have no way of knowing whether he'll ever come good again.<br />
<br />
…<br />
<br />
When I started to look at it like that, it became somewhat easier to understand where they might have been coming from when (once S had come out of his coma) they told me they didn't want their son to know what had happened. And that I was under no circumstances to mention the accident to him.<br />
<br />
I'm guessing they didn't want me to influence their son's thoughts about what had happened. And I'm guessing that at that point, I was the biggest threat to that situation. What if I told him something that he then repeated that would incriminate him? Having me around must have felt quite dangerous to them. They wanted to protect their son (what parent wouldn't?), and if I were to say something to him that might make him remember the accident, or believe that he was responsible for the death of D, then there was a chance that by the time the date was set for the inquest, their son might be charged with manslaughter.<br />
<br />
I don't think you need me to point anything out here, right?<br />
<br />
So, all that aside, yes, they were pretty mean to me, and at the time I thought they were horrible for doing what they did and was glad I never had to see them again. I wasn't glad I would never get to see S again, but I had made that choice and it felt right.<br />
<br />
But today, 25 years later, I have nothing but compassion for those people. I have completely turned around any venomous thoughts I had for them, and can see that all they were doing was protecting their son the best way they knew how.<br />
<br />
Granted, it wasn't particularly sophisticated or compassionate (towards me), but I think it's fair to say they were in an extremely stressful situation. And when any of us are under stress, particularly as immense as this would have been, we tend to make "interesting" decisions.<br />
<br />
When your entire world has just turned upside down and the outcome is at best unclear, and at worst could be called your greatest nightmare (your son, who comes out of a coma gets locked up for causing death by driving), well, it's a lot easier to accept that being less-than-kind to your son's girlfriend isn't necessarily top of your priority list.<br />
<br />
Really, I get it.<br />
<br />
I mean, I don't know the real story here. So like I keep saying, this is pure speculation on my part. But it kinda adds up doesn't it? Whether the details of what I've surmised about what they were thinking are true, and even if they had always hated me and just wanted me out of the picture (which is another possibility), I can totally see that what they were doing came from a love for their son. And I'm confident that in the cold light of day, once their own grief and stress about the situation had diminished, that they would never choose to be unkind to me.<br />
<br />
They were simply human beings dealing with an horrendously difficult situation.<br />
<br />
And I am totally OK with that.<br />
<br />
Because I make mistakes too.<br />
<br />
And, I don't know how I would have responded under their circumstance.<br />
<br />
Of course, there is still so much more to this story. Like, what happened at the inquest? What was the outcome? Did S get charged? Was it his fault?<br />
<br />
I'm ready to tell the whole story and I will do that. But for now, I just wanted to get clear on the fact that I hold no hard feelings toward S or his family. And that's why I can comfortably write this blog.<br />
<br />
I have nothing to hide.<br />
<br />
Forgiveness has provided me with an incredible freedom to tell this story. A story that is etched deep into my cells. And a story that I hope will help other people see that even when life seems hard, unfair or downright f*cked, that if you find the right lens, it's always possible to see some light. That underneath even the darkest, most traumatic experiences of our lives, there is <i>always</i> a star shining a beam of love.<br />
<br />
And if you keep searching, I promise you, you'll find it.<br />
<br />
Choose love x<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-62410993982667750732015-01-21T14:24:00.001+11:002015-01-21T14:24:36.650+11:00Life Sentence<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So, having exposed <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com/2015/01/defining-moments.html" target="_blank">in my last blog: Defining Moments</a> that I survived a car crash 25 years ago, I'm slowly becoming ready to reveal some more about that time…<br />
<br />
Like I said, the incident that occurred (the death of my friend and the head injuries suffered by my boyfriend), branched out and touched many people's lives. At D's funeral, the church was packed to the brim.<br />
<br />
She was 18. Too young to die.<br />
<br />
A part of me died that day too, but a bigger part of me began to grow and has continued to grow ever since. One of the lesser-discussed aspects of accidental death (or any death) is the outward ripple effect that causes the people left behind to act in "strange" ways. I say strange in inverted commas because when it comes to stress and trauma, I don't believe there's any such thing as normal.<br />
<br />
And I'd know…<br />
<br />
The person I am today is not who I was 25 years ago. I'm sure you can all relate. Thoughts, actions and behaviours at the age of 18 are guaranteed to evolve by the time you're 43. But our essence often remains the same. At my core I would describe myself as having a childlike spirit and being hyper-capable. I'm an eternal optimist. I see life as a playground and it takes a lot to throw me off course, but when I do "lose it", I lose it big time.<br />
<br />
Doing things by halves has never been my style. I'm not one of those "I'll just have one square of chocolate, thanks" kind of people. I smash the whole bar, no matter how big. Same goes for life. Whatever I choose to do, I put everything into it. Exercise, work, friendships… It's all the same to me.<br />
<br />
I live my life at 100% <i>all the time</i>. That's not to say I <i>do</i> a lot of stuff. I don't. I'm essentially an introvert who likes to do one thing a day max, but whatever that thing is, I do it wholly and completely to the best of my ability. And that includes being in love.<br />
<br />
Or at least, it did, once upon a time.<br />
<br />
Which is what this blog is about. My first love. Who I walked out on after we'd been in a terrible car accident.<br />
<br />
Here's my story…<br />
<br />
S and I had been dating since I was 16, so by the time the accident happened we'd been together almost 2 years. I don't know about anyone else, but I'd only dated guys for 2 weeks at the most before I met someone who I fell in love with. He was a great guy and we got along like cheese and crackers.<br />
<br />
As with first loves, you share an incredibly strong bond. You're both learning; neither one has baggage yet, and love flows freely and easily. I loved S in the way any teenager loves their first: wholly and completely. He was my world. We did everything together. Life was great.<br />
<br />
After the accident, S was in a coma for a number of weeks. You can imagine how distressing that was, adding to the fact that my best friend was no longer alive, it was a difficult time for me. I felt like the only one who knew what had happened (later, during the inquest, I was the only witness). I felt like a lone survivor – who had walked away from a horrific scene with barely a scratch. (There's actually a reason I managed to remain unscathed but I'll save that for another blog. It's a long story…)<br />
<br />
While S was in hospital I visited him religiously. I'd drive to the hospital before work, back again at lunch time and then, after zipping home for something to eat, I'd be back until visiting time was over. I loved him and wanted to be there with him.<br />
<br />
Tensions were high among those of us still alive and well. D's parents were absolutely distraught and S's parents were doing everything they could to be there for their son. Which, when someone is in a coma isn't easy. How does anyone know what to do? None of us had ever been in that situation before. So, understandably it was a tough time for everyone involved.<br />
<br />
Lots of incidents happened while S was in hospital and all of them had a huge impact on me. I learned a lot about life, sickness, health and healing, people's response to trauma, and mostly about who I was during that time.<br />
<br />
Turns out I'm not the most conventional when it comes to coping.<br />
<br />
Coping is a very personal thing. We all do it differently. Some people falter, some weep, some avoid, some deny or minimise. To list all the ways would take a whole blog. Me? I cope by coping. I become extremely practical, get things done, make sure everything is running smoothly, I observe and listen. And then, when I get behind closed doors I fall into a massive heap and sob uncontrollably. Or scream. Or both.<br />
<br />
From the outside looking in, it can seem to anyone involved that nothing phases me. I'm one of those people who always seems to have my sh*t together. But that's because for most of my life I would cope impeccably in public and only indulge my vulnerability when I was alone. I'm sure some of my oldest friends have never seen me cry. (I've since changed and can openly cry these days…)<br />
<br />
Like anything, that old coping mechanism has pros and cons. The down side is that sometimes it can appear (to people who don't know me) that I'm doing OK. Or that I am cold. <i>How can she still be functioning? I never see her cry. She obviously doesn't care.</i><br />
<br />
Unfortunately for me, that's how my boyfriend's parents perceived me.<br />
<br />
On one occasion, S's mum actually tapped the metal railing on her son's hospital bed and venomously said to me "You're as hard as that, you are."<br />
<br />
Hard as steel.<br />
<br />
Maybe on the outside, but little did she know that inside I was dying.<br />
<br />
Over time, S's health improved, and after a couple of months he emerged from his coma and was allowed home. And that's when the cracks really started to show. S was now in a healing phase, still very unsteady, and by his own admission had a "fuzzy head" but he was definitely on a path to recovery. <i>Thank. God.</i><br />
<br />
His parents had firmly told me that they didn't want S to know what had happened. That I was not to mention the accident. I didn't agree with their thinking, but being 18 and wanting to be loyal to their wishes, I conceded. We weren't even allowed to walk to the shops unaccompanied. I'm guessing that was incase I spoke of the accident… but who knows.<br />
<br />
Either way, keeping their wish became the hardest thing I ever had to do.<br />
<br />
As S continued to get better, he and I would spend time in his room chatting and hanging out. He was a shadow of his former self, and by no means the boy I had known prior to 8 December, but nonetheless, he was my boyfriend and I loved him.<br />
<br />
On two occasions he asked me if I'd seen D. <i>She's dead</i>, I would think to myself. <i>I'll never see her again</i>. But I had his parents' wish to honour and so both times I said "No, I haven't seen her."<br />
<br />
At least I didn't have to lie.<br />
<br />
Thankfully and remarkably, S continued to improve, and his head injuries, obviously healing, enabled him to speak and think a little more clearly.<br />
<br />
That's when the clanger came.<br />
<br />
"My mum said you only visit me because you feel like you have to."<br />
<br />
[silence]<br />
<br />
<i>Wow</i><br />
<br />
I don't recall what my response to that was, but knowing me at the time I'm pretty certain I would have told him that I was definitely there because I wanted to be. Because that was the truth.<br />
<br />
During this period (about 3 months after the accident), I had a nervous breakdown. One day while I was at work I had a sensation that was like being in a Hitchcock movie – the foreground panned out as the background closed in. I didn't know where I was. I burst into tears and had to be taken home.<br />
<br />
I had finally "lost it".<br />
<br />
No denying, I was a complete mess. From the outside I'd been "coping" but all the while I was dying inside. Knowing that my boyfriend's parents wanted me out of the picture hurt me to the core. I had nothing but love for their son, and they seemed to be doing everything to keep me away from him.<br />
<br />
It killed me.<br />
<br />
I was promptly signed off work for a week.<br />
<br />
But, far from being able to rest and seek help, I had a contract with S's parents to keep. He wasn't to know anything was wrong. (I didn't even tell his parents about my breakdown. I felt they didn't trust me so what would they care how I was doing.) Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at the time, I was 18 and was doing the best I knew how with the resources I had back then.<br />
<br />
So, as per usual, while being unable to work because I was a total mess, I would get into my work clothes and drive to see him, morning, noon and night so as to keep up the facade. In hindsight, I can see this wasn't the most useful move, but again, I was 18 and didn't know how else to deal with the situation.<br />
<br />
As you can imagine, it wasn't long before even bigger cracks began to appear.<br />
<br />
I no longer recall the timeframe between this happening and my walking away but I'm guessing it was a matter of weeks. Knowing that S's mum was feeding him negative information about me, when all the while I was keeping her wish, became more than I could handle.<br />
<br />
I recognised that his family needed to heal in whatever way they saw best. Which definitely didn't include me.<br />
<br />
So I made a choice. I walked away from the man I loved more than anything. From my first love whose bedside I had been at morning, noon and night. But who I could no longer be around because it was breaking up his family. They wanted shot of me.<br />
<br />
I still remember the day I went round to his house and broke the news: that I was no longer able to be his girlfriend. I was broken but relieved. As I drove away, filled with tears and completely torn between doing what I felt was the "right" thing and what I wanted to do (which was stay), I decided I would live with my decision and get on with my own healing.<br />
<br />
That task has taken 25 years.<br />
<br />
On the recent anniversary of the car crash, I had a sense that something inside me was shifting. I meditated on it and became clear that my "abandoning" S was something I had paid a price for. On some level I realised that I had unconsciously made a pact with myself that I would serve a Life Sentence for that deed. I walked away because I thought it was the best thing for S and his healing journey (I still do believe that). But the consequence would be that I would not allow myself to fully love another man until I had served my time.<br />
<br />
Unbeknown to me at the time, the sentence I imposed was 25 years.<br />
<br />
But now I'm free. My karmic debt has been paid and I feel different. I know now that I am once again free to love whoever I choose. Wholly and deeply, just like the love I had for S all those years ago.<br />
<br />
And if that isn't in keeping with my 2015 theme of miracles, I don't know what is.<br />
<br />
Choose love x<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-73979980796808466082015-01-14T16:12:00.001+11:002015-01-14T16:12:34.484+11:00Defining Moments<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<div class="MsoNormal">
Defining moments are a universal experience
– we’ve all had them: the first day of school, the day you lose your virginity,
graduation day, finding your first grey hair etc. Not all of those will apply to
all of us, but you know what I mean.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">There are certain events that occur in life
that we remember. Vividly. Some of those events stay with us forever: usually,
it’s the highly emotional ones. Because emotions make feelings stronger – they
heighten your experience. A dull day becomes a technicolour memory whenever
high levels of emotion are involved.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">It’s easy to get caught up in the emotional
side of things which is why I want to talk about my most vivid defining moment. It happened 25 years ago…<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">There we were, driving on a cold December
night on our way to collect my friend D who would be coming out with us to the
Angel pub for some pre-Christmas jolliment. We weren’t going to drive to the
pub – drink driving wasn’t our style. No, we (S, my boyfriend, and I) were
collecting D, heading back to my house 5 minutes away, and then my mum was
going to drop us at the Angel and head out with my dad for their Friday night
at a workman’s club. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Only things didn’t quite pan out that way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">S, D and I never made it back to my house
that night. What happened instead was horrific and I’ll never forget it. Talk
about defining moments. This is still my biggest and most vivid. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I still remember what D and I were talking
about the split second before I looked out the windscreen and saw a truck
heading towards us. “Watch out for that lorry,” I said.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">And then everything went black.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The taste of that moment still haunts me,
in the sense that I can still clearly recollect it. Whenever I hear two cars
collide, no matter how big or small the ding, I get that taste, the metallic
taste of blood and broken glass. For me, that sound is a multi-sensory
experience: I taste the sound. That’s what heightened emotions can do to you. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I don’t know for sure, but I’d guess that the
criss-cross of sensory input occurs for many (if not all) of us when we
experience a defining moment. And the more heightened the experience, the more
the crossover occurs. For example, I’d bet that for most people their wedding
day or the birth of their first child is one of those times. A time when
everything is happening at once and, to put it bluntly, a time when you don’t
know if you’re going for a shit or a haircut. Everything is crystal clear and a
blur all at the same time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">So, that night, 8 December, 1989 is my most
vivid. The crash occurred in a fractured moment, but that entire day is still
so clear to me. Not to mention the ensuing months, although they have become
somewhat foggier over time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But why am telling you all this? <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">To be honest, I’m not entirely sure, other
than having reached the 25-year mark and because I feel a sense of reaching a new moment.
One that I can <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">choose</i> to define
rather than have etched into my cells simply through happenstance. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">A story such as this has many arms that
branch out in a vast array of directions. But I’m not going to go into any more
details just now. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">However, I do feel a great urge to tell my
story. Not just this one, but many of my life’s moments. And not because I love
talking about myself but because it helps me understand who I am when I write
things down. And I enjoy phrasing my feelings in a way that
other people seem to relate to and benefit from.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">When I started this blog I had no idea
where it was going. I played around with a few ideas and my writing took a few
twists and turns that I enjoyed observing as much as partaking in. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I tried writing about life coaching but I gotta
tell you, that idea ran out of steam pretty quick. I can’t make it about
anything other than the simple events of my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">The experience of having my entire world
pulled from under me at the age of 18 was by far the worst and the best thing
that has ever happened to me. That defining night laid a foundation for the
person I am today. It gave me an opportunity to know how strong I am. It gave
me a platform on which I can lay every other experience and know that
it will never come close to being in the accident and emergency ward, knowing
my best friend is no longer alive and that my boyfriend is in a coma. My best
friend D did not survive the crash and my first love was in a coma for a number
of weeks.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">That moment and the moments, days and
months that followed, gave me the greatest gift I could ever ask for: knowing
that life is a miracle. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">If ever I need to look for an answer as to
why something is happening or if I find myself wondering <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">will this work out ok?</i> All I have to do is remember that night 25
years ago when I was given a second chance at life. Because as soon as I recall
the miracle that is my life, I know that whatever happens today doesn’t matter.
Not in the sense that it is insignificant, but because life is life and
ultimately I have no control over it. Just like I have no control over whether
you like this blog or not: and that doesn’t matter either.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I write because I love to write. And I
write about my personal experiences because that feels right to me. And
easy. And fun. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Even when I’m writing about the most
traumatic night of my life.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">One day I will write about the details of
that night and all the events that followed, because they are incredibly
interesting and shine a light on human behaviour: the good, the warped and the
ugly. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">But for now, I just needed to give myself
permission to do what I love: to write for the pure reason that it feels good.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">I’m theming 2015 the year of miracles,
which seems fitting to me. What theme will you give your year? What vibe will
you choose?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whatever it is, I invite you
to make this year one that is filled with defining moments of your choice. Make this a year that really means something to you. Choose uplifting emotions and really focus on the good stuff. Bad stuff is OK – shit happens – and defining moments don't have to start out joyful, but it is possible to make every moment <i>meaningful</i> in a useful and worthy way. No matter how bad they seem at the time.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">If you can, I really encourage you to spend some time considering
how you’d most like to feel during 2015. I'm focusing on seeing miracles so I'm going to heighten those feelings and emotions even when nothing's happening. Maybe you can do the same with your theme?<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span lang="EN-GB">Because, ultimately, we never know if
this moment might be our last.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<span lang="EN-GB">With love x<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-68154680482235832152014-01-26T00:02:00.001+11:002014-01-27T16:39:52.410+11:00Playing My Cards Right<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Ever wondered what it is about someone that makes them attractive?<br />
<br />
Having been single for over 4 years now, I've had a fair amount of time to ponder what attraction means to me. During my singledom I've met a variety of men: the gorgeous waiter with the brown eyes and trendy haircut, the 20-year old Swedish backpacker, the guy with the Aston Martin, and most recently, a professional soccer player.<br />
<br />
During that time there's also been countless emails and "matches" from various online websites. Most of which seem to house men who either have the personality of driftwood or look like a serial killer.<br />
<br />
When people ask why am I single, internally I laugh. Only someone who isn't on the current dating scene could ask such a question. "Oh, but you're attractive and fun and interesting," they say. "You'd have no trouble finding a man." And they're right. I don't have any problem finding men. Only thing is, the ones I come across make drinking a cup of peppermint tea feel like a chore and frankly, should never be allowed to create offspring.<br />
<br />
We can thank Steve Jobs for making home computing what it is today, because if these guys weren't spending so much time updating their online profiles they might be out on the streets.<br />
<br />
And <i>that</i> would be scary.<br />
<br />
If you've read my <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/disappointment-vulnerability-and-victory.html" target="_blank">previous blogs</a> you'll know that in the past year I've actually only met one guy who I was genuinely interested in.<br />
<br />
One.<br />
<br />
That's 50% less than two.<br />
<br />
I'm no maths genius but even I have worked out that the numbers aren't great.<br />
<br />
Every book I've ever read on dating talks about how women (if they want to marry) should play by a certain set of rules which include remaining mysterious, never calling a man before he calls you and being so busy he can't get a date with you for at least two weeks. I've tried and tried to make head and tail of this advice but time and again I end up thinking <i>F*ck this, if I've got to play games in order to get married, I'd rather be single.</i><br />
<br />
Especially if the guys who want to marry are the ones on eHarmony. We're already using up 50% more than our planet's resources can cope with. Thank God these men exist otherwise we'd be in a heck of a lot more trouble.<br />
<br />
Friends have told me I should heed the rules, that I give too much away too soon, that maybe I should play my cards a bit closer to my chest.<br />
<br />
Well, here's the thing: I have never played my cards close to my chest. My chest is a casino table and my cards are well and truly splayed out in a fan shape with a sign that says "Pick a card, any card…" Anyone who's actually game to pick a card is in with a chance. I mean if someone is too scared to come close enough to see what's in my deck, then they sure as heck aren't going to make it past date #1 and have absolutely no chance of passing Go or collecting $200.<br />
<br />
To all those dating rule books I say show me a man who has the balls to be open with me and I'll play any game he wants. But he must have a community chest full of interesting layers and a stack of chance cards that leave me wanting to know more.<br />
<br />
Too many times I meet men who I can box up and categorise within the time it takes to drink a flat white, which leaves nothing for me to discover. You're financially secure? <i>I couldn't give a f*ck</i>… You own three houses and love your kids? <i>Good on you, your medal for man of the year is in the mail</i>… You have a great job and like watching sport? <i>Lovely, well, I like kiwifruit and had a shower this morning.</i><br />
<br />
B-o-r-i-n-g.<br />
<br />
If playing the rules gets you a one-dimensional man then great, play away if that's what you want. But what I learned from the last guy I fell for is that multi-layers work for me. And regardless of how I'm supposed to "snag" a man, I believe some people are just meant to meet and get along; and for the record, the few men who interest me beyond a first date are far smarter than any rule book would give them credit for. I hope that any guy I click with has more depth than a paper cut and would therefore know they were being played.<br />
<br />
But maybe (as friends tell me) that's why I'm single.<br />
<br />
Well, I have one thing to say to that: Thank God.<br />
<br />
Thank God for all the girls who play by the rules. Thank you for skimming some of the dead wood out of the dating game. A man who can be played by a woman who follows advice from a book that (shhh…) men can read too? No thanks.<br />
<br />
A man who can operate from both male and female perspective and appreciates a woman with the courage and motivation to make her life her own? Yes please.<br />
<br />
In summary: I'm at home on a Saturday night writing this blog because I choose to be. I had a date with the above mentioned soccer player booked for tonight (yes, really), but I cancelled and chose to have a date with myself instead. Mr Soccer Player is a nice guy: caring, keen, ambitious and tastier than a bar of Dairy Milk a week before my period. But I already knew who he was after the first date. Sure, there was more to learn but the layers weren't there.<br />
<br />
And layers, it seems, are what I'm looking for.<br />
<br />
I don't care if you're finically secure, have three houses and a boat, or won an award for being best striker in 2003. What intrigues me is knowing there is more to you than meets the eye. I want to come away from meeting a guy and <i>not</i> know who he is, yet know enough to understand that it could potentially take a lifetime <i>to</i> know him.<br />
<br />
If I know everything about you in the first meeting then why would I bother seeing you again?<br />
<br />
As for the rules, I'm making up my own and they go something like this:<br />
<br />
1) Remain open to finding someone that interests me<br />
2) Listen to my heart and only connect with men who I intuitively feel have something extra to offer<br />
3) Be willing to spend time alone if my heart tells me my date is a no-go<br />
4) Don't read anyone else's advice on dating; simply remain true myself<br />
<br />
But what about meeting someone and getting married? Part of me is into that idea and part of me couldn't care less. I've never been a girl who dreamed of a white wedding and although I think it would be cool to share my life with someone, equally I have no desire to settle for a communion that isn't anything short of intriguing, inspiring and utterly fabulous.<br />
<br />
My life is already those things so if anyone is going to be lucky enough to land the real estate on the other side of my bed, they will need to be bringing a whole lot more than an extra bag of laundry and a mortgage to the equation.<br />
<br />
As for the law of attraction? I'm pretty sure my saying "no" to Mr Soccer and "yes" to an inspired evening watching <i>Jobs</i> the movie and writing this blog will get me a whole lot closer to meeting a true match than a thousand days spent on eHarmony or RSVP.<br />
<br />
Yes, I know that Mr Right is unlikely to knock on my door, but when it's a given that a hundred Mr Wrongs are also lurking in the local bar, I think I'm making a good call by staying in every now and then and recharging my batteries with a good movie and some creative expression.<br />
<br />
And speaking of batteries… I have some pressing business to attend to.<br />
<br />
Goodnight.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-39440606761445627262014-01-21T23:04:00.004+11:002014-01-21T23:04:44.823+11:00The Heartfield Approach<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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It's only January 21st and this year is already abound with opportunities.<br />
<br />
With so much going on work-wise, I have felt like I need a way to keep myself in check. It would be easy to get carried away and lose focus, so, I recently decided to make a new daily practice.<br />
<br />
My practice is to ask myself the following question: <i>Am I doing everything I can to increase my business opportunities?</i><br />
<br />
I currently have 3 businesses on the go: a meditation group called the <a href="https://www.facebook.com/LoveCircleMeditation" target="_blank">Love Circle</a>, a new <a href="http://hannahhempenstall.com/index.html" target="_blank">massage and reflexology practice</a>, and an online business called <a href="http://thebigswell.com/">thebigswell.com</a>. Each project is at a slightly different stage and each of them require regular tending otherwise there is a risk they will die.<br />
<br />
But where to start? I've got a history of having at least two projects on the go at any one time and it can make it difficult to know which one to focus on. Having too much on your plate can lead to procrastination and a tendency to ruminate without actually taking action. Fortunately I'm a "take action" kinda girl, but with three streams on the go at once, I have found myself going somewhat round in circles. Hence, not doing everything I can to tend to my businesses.<br />
<br />
So today I chose one project (my massage/reflexology practice) and did the following:<br />
<br />
1. Checked in with my heart and soul.<br />
<br />
Goal setting is all very well and I'm a great advocator of the volume model e.g send out 100+ letters to local GPs and chiropractors informing them of my new massage practice, then make phone call follow up list and cross fingers for 1-2% response rate. But today I took a "heartfield" approach. I figured my services are in line with a selection of specialist practitioners so I asked my heart to show me a connection that would prosper.<br />
<br />
As I sat in my office (<a href="https://www.facebook.com/pages/Gertrude-Alice-Cafe-Bookstore/117858488659" target="_blank">Gertrude & Alice cafe in Bondi</a>), I stepped away from my Mac and spotted a business card that had been posted on their noticeboard from a local psychologist. Instantly my soul told me this was someone I needed to connect with. Trusting my intuition I researched their website and felt <i>Yes, this is someone I align with</i>. I subsequently emailed them and have offered to provide a complementary treatment with a view to being added to their referral list of allied practitioners and vice versa. I will call them later to follow up.<b>*</b><br />
<br />
Who knows if this person will feel the same alignment as I do, but I trust that my heart will always lead me in the right direction and I feel good about connecting with a therapist whose vision and message match mine.<br />
<br />
2) I followed up on my To-Do list…<br />
<br />
Second on my list was to Take Action. As well as contacting the psychologist I sent an email to the owner of the practice that I rent my massage room from with some marketing information for her next newsletter. Again, it's a simple step that has enabled me to tick something from my To-Do list and is increasing the energy I'm putting into my massage practice. Law of Attraction here I come.<br />
<br />
3) Stepped outside my comfort zone<br />
<br />
Every moment is an opportunity to meet someone and make a new client but it's also an opportunity to fulfill my personal vision: To Help As Many People Heal Themselves As Possible.<br />
<br />
On my way to work this morning I passed a beauty therapist that I've known for 15 years. Her name is Judy and she is a truly angelic soul. Her partner is unwell at the moment and she had to close her business for a few weeks to look after him. She was opening shop as I walked past so I stopped to check in with her.<br />
<br />
I could see a great sadness in her eyes so I gave her a hug. As a therapist Judy is naturally aligned to giving, but like many healers she is not so ready to receive. I know how she feels, although I've worked hard on learning to accept love from others. (Feel free to read any of my previous blogs for evidence…)<br />
<br />
As we hugged I saw tears in Judy's eyes and I knew I had fulfilled my soul purpose by helping her to feel and know she is loved; and therefore helping her to heal.<br />
<br />
In the past I would have left it there, but today I took that communication one step further. I told her I had opened a new healing practice and gave her my card. With love being the overriding motivation, I knew that it was OK at that time to offer my services to help heal her pain on a physical and emotional level through massage, reflexology and/or spiritual healing.<br />
<br />
I no longer view my healing practice as a luxury and felt comfortable passing that on.<br />
<br />
If any of us want to heal we need to make a commitment to doing so, and that includes treating our body and mind well. It also includes an energetic exchange: in most cases paying for whatever therapy we choose. What I offer is an incredible gift: I am lucky enough to have "healing hands" and an ability to understand people on a deeply kinesthetic level. I used to let my ego get in the way of that. I would regularly (albeit unconsciously) devalue my gift with an overriding thought of <i>Who am I to heal others?</i> That thought previously stopped me from promoting my services.<br />
<br />
But really, who am I to <i>not</i> heal others? I'm a healer. I was born with this gift so my not promoting my services is actually doing a <i>disservice</i> not only to others but to myself.<br />
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What sort of egocentric tomfoolery is that?<br />
<br />
We often consider the ego to mean bigging ourselves up, but it's also the opposite: belittling our talents and gifts because we've been led to believe that saying we're good at something means we think we're better than others. Not so. In this context the ego is the mind - your ideas and thoughts, but what about when there is a heart and soul being diminished as a result of those thoughts? That's also the ego at work.<br />
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Whatever your gift is, be it helping others, being a great writer, a closet artist or poet, having the ability to connect with people, being a great dancer or soccer player – whatever it is <b>You Do Not Have The Right To Keep That Talent To Yourself</b>.<br />
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We all have gifts and we must learn to openly use them.<br />
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Tapping into your uniqueness and acknowledging that who you are is a gift in itself can require a shift in consciousness. Take my friend <a href="https://www.facebook.com/marcnemorinillustration" target="_blank">Marc Nemorin</a> for example. Marc is an incredible artist. Last year he recognised that his talent was laying dormant under a graphic design business (which he's also amazing at). Since releasing his gift from its box he has already created some amazing portraits that are selling like hotcakes. Just like Marc, I long thought that my innate ability to heal was something that was too easy for me and therefore not valid as a business and should remain small and hidden.<br />
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Luckily, I now see it differently.<br />
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With that in mind, I was able to lovingly offer my services today to someone in need. Whether they book in for a treatment is entirely up to them, but I can now sit comfortably in the knowledge that promoting my services is not something that I should hide. My gift, is just that: A Gift. I have many gifts and so do you. What are you doing about yours?<br />
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What innate gifts and talents are you hiding from the world for fear that you don't have the right to be amazing? It's probably something that is so easy for you and that you see as simply being part of who you are that you've boxed it up into a "Save For Retirement Hobby" fund. But I say open that box TODAY and look at those talents and gifts as gems, because that's what they are.<br />
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And just imagine, if we all played to our natural strengths with no fear of rejection, can you see how all our lives could turn around in a really positive way? And just think how HAPPY we'd all be!<br />
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I already feel blessed to have love what I do, but equally I'm looking forward to this new take on what is essentially my right to Be Me. If I can stay in a heart-centred space and simply let people know I am here if they want to heal then I figure the Universe will hear that call and rejoice in the fact that another person is willing to Be Free to Shine.<br />
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And on that note, I invite you to recognise your amazingness and let it out of the box. What are your gifts and when will you set them free?<br />
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Whatever they are, I'll be watching with a smile on my face as you open your talented heart and Shine.<br />
<br />
<br />
* PS, <a href="http://marysutherland.com.au/" target="_blank">Mary Sutherland (psychologist)</a> contacted me an hour after I sent her that email. She came in for a treatment today and as far as I can tell, this could well be the start of a very special working relationship. [Insert HUGE thank you to the Universe here.]<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-16291218085155451312013-12-21T07:19:00.002+11:002013-12-21T07:27:10.111+11:00So Long 2013… <div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Wow, it's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I began writing this blog. What a journey it's been.<br />
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2013 has been a very interesting year for me: full of personal growth, new experiences and a lot of fun! As the year comes to a close I feel a real sense of excitement for what's to come. A new business opportunity recently landed in my path so I'm thrilled to begin 2014 with a list of goals and a steadfast austerity to making them happen.<br />
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Also on the cards is Love.<br />
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The guy I mentioned in my last blog <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/12/disappointment-vulnerability-and-victory.html" target="_blank">Disappointment, Vulnerability and Victory</a> actually contacted me the day after I posted the blog. (The Universe certainly has a sense of humour, non!) I've seen him a couple of times since then and things have gone well; the conversation flowed, we got each other's humour, and I find him incredibly attractive.<br />
<br />
But alas, it seems my initial instincts were right. He's just not that into me. Yesterday I sent him a message asking if he wanted to catch up for breakfast today. I'm taking his lack of response as a no! But before you feel sorry for me at yet another failed attempt at finding a match, I'll spare you the distress.<br />
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Last night I had a breakthrough (love those!). Yes, I like this guy. He's funny, smart, charming, full of charisma and is a gentleman to boot. Well, on the surface anyway. I don't really know much about him other than what I have taken at face value. But last night as I sat plotting the new year I saw that for all his amazing qualities, we're just on different pages of the dating book. He's after casual fun and occasional company, I'm looking for The One.<br />
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And that, I realised, is totally OK.<br />
<br />
So, I've decided to thank the Universe for sending me a wonderful example of how a man can be. He has so many qualities I want in a partner. All I need to do now is add "available for committed relationship" to my list! Ta-da!!!<br />
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You see, every person we meet and every experience that occurs on our path is an amazing opportunity to check in and see whether the life we're living is the life we want. In this instance, much of what I want in a man was put in front of me (thank you!!). I guess I just wasn't clear on whether I <i>really</i> wanted something long-term or not. But now that carrot has been dangled in front of me I can honestly say "I do!"<br />
<br />
And boy does that feel good! I am finally clear on the fact that yes, I am <i>ready</i> for a committed, loving relationship, and most of all I have clarity on what kind of man I'm after; funny, a gentleman, inspiring and a creative thinker. Someone who provides loving hugs and can give me a look that says "I love you" without even saying a word. Sign me up!<br />
<br />
So with the Love department taken care of (with a check list in tow I'm leaving it up to the Universe to go find someone while I remain open and ready to allow them into my life), there's also the business side of things. Which incase I haven't kept you up to speed, is just beginning to look <i>very</i> interesting as well!<br />
<br />
As you may recall, this blog began with my following a set of principles laid out in Jacqueline Harrison's book, <i>How To Create A Business From Nothing</i>, which then became our co-authored book: <i>Stress Free Business</i>. The book is still in the pipeline. However, we have very recently taken over an exciting business project that will be launched in early 2014. I'm keeping the project under wraps for now, but suffice to say it's exciting and has enormous potential. It's just a matter of us getting our heads down, creating a watertight business plan and executing it successfully.<br />
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I am so excited about this project I cannot even tell you. 2014 is going to be a very interesting year!<br />
<br />
Love, business success and wealth are definitely on the cards and I feel good about all the hard work I've put in to make that happen. This year has shown me that setting a goal (for me that was finding Love and becoming a millionaire) is important, and the steps to achieving that goal are generally to put one foot in front of the other (check). But the new thing I learned this year is that being flexible and allowing things to unfold organically has an altogether brightening effect on the Soul.<br />
<br />
I set out to edit Jacqueline's book and to blog about the business principles she was writing about. Over the past 12 months, that journey has morphed into co-authoring a book, realising some of the failings that were blocking my own business success (e.g <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/beating-financial-cancer.html" target="_blank">Beating Financial Cancer</a>, <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/03/get-real.html" target="_blank">Get Real</a>, <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/its-time-to-shine.html" target="_blank">It's Time To Shine</a> and <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/01/the-egomaniac-strikes-back.html" target="_blank">The Egomaniac Strikes Back</a>), and recognising that tied up in all of it is my desire to love and be loved! If I'd been adamant about following my original business-only plans I would never have uncovered the intricate web that makes up the emotional and spiritual side of me. And from what I can see, it's all sooo intricately linked. One thing cannot possibly exist without the other.<br />
<br />
The business of life, and the business of business, is the business of love. It's all the same thing, delicately weaved into a gorgeous bejewelled web that sparkles with infinite possibilities.<br />
<br />
Woop!<br />
<br />
And so ends my last blog of 2013: a positive reflection on one of the most amazing years of my life. Since beginning this journey (which involved having no idea of how to even start a blog) I've written 39 blogs and notched up over 4500 hits which is amazing! Which leads me to my final blog words of the year:<br />
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<b><i>Thank You.</i></b><br />
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Thank you so much for reading this. Without you, this blog would be nothing more than a diary entry. Writing about my journey in such a transparent way has been really therapeutic for me and it feels very special to know that somewhere out there is a community of people who know me more intimately that I could have ever imagined. I love reading your comments and I am truly humbled by the fact that people from all corners of the globe, (that I have never met), have dedicated a few minutes of their time to reading my stories.<br />
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I am truly grateful to all of you. By being there with me, you have helped me to grow as a person. I hope I have done the same for you.<br />
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I hope that the next chapters continue to capture your attention and that you enter 2014 filled with Love, inspiration and a wealth of joy.<br />
<br />
Until next year…<br />
<br />
Love. This. Life.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-63951048205408736302013-12-08T10:13:00.000+11:002013-12-08T10:31:53.754+11:00Disappointment, Vulnerability and Victory<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Today I saw <i>The Butler</i>; the true story of a black house servant who served at The Whitehouse for almost 30 years. What an inspiring movie.<br />
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As the film opened I wasn't sure where it was going; was it about racial equality? Was it about family values? Was it about patience leading to virtue?<br />
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By my reckoning, it was about all of that. And more.<br />
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As the film came to a close, Forest Whittaker (The Butler) had a change of heart and saw life through new eyes. I won't give away what that was incase you watch the film, but suffice to say it touched and moved me. I thought about how often we remain trapped in our own views and opinions and don't realise we are pushing other people or higher experiences away.<br />
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Why would anyone do that? Why would any of us choose to push away another human being or the chance to be a better person?<br />
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Using examples from the film, the reason we push people away is often due to pride, stubbornness and ego. But what good does that serve? Why would we put our personal pride before the choice to love someone? It doesn't make any sense and yet we do it all the time. And, as with everything, there's the flip side; putting others first instead of giving <i>ourselves</i> love. It's the exact same thing in reverse. As far as I can see, neither option makes much sense.<br />
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Both lead to varying degrees of disappointment. And that's where I sat earlier this week when I recognised that for decades I have been pushing men away because I've been afraid to be vulnerable. A perfect example of that occurred this week, although this story has a rather nice twist…<br />
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From Tuesday through to Thursday this week I was feeling disappointed because a guy I was growing to like isn't into me. (Stop me if you've heard this one before…) Before I go into the details let me take you back to four weeks ago when I was on yoga retreat in Maui – where the story of my disappointment was born.<br />
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I don't remember exactly how it came about but I found myself on day two of <a href="http://kellisheartglow.com/" target="_blank">Kelli Prieur's Heartglow</a> yoga retreat curled up in child's pose feeling tears starting to well up in my eyes. As I lay there, with my forehead resting on the floor, I felt a huge burst of sadness wash over me. <i>Hmm…</i><br />
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After class I went back to my room and felt compelled to write a letter To All The Men I've Ever Known. In the letter, I forgave all the men who've had an influence in my life. I forgave them for being anything from controlling and overbearing, to dishonest and mean, to being too nice, and even loving me when I wasn't able to receive it.<br />
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Yeah, I know, it doesn't necessarily make sense, it just felt right.<br />
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It was a letter with a spiritual rather than logical flavour and it made sense to me. I was essentially letting go of all the stories I'd made up and held onto about all the men in my life.<br />
<i><br /></i>
It wasn't them, it was me.<br />
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A few days later while the sun set on Maui's horizon, we were instructed to get into horse pose and told we would hold the pose for 4 minutes. <i>Yikes</i>. My mind instantly went into overdrive and 30 seconds into it as my shins burned like a volcano, my inner peace went from cool, calm and collected to can-you-stop-this-red-hot-pain-please.<br />
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In short: I didn't like it.<br />
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"Breathe into it," quipped Kelli, the instructor. <i>F*ck you</i>, said my inner yogi.<br />
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As I stretched my legs and came out of the pose I spotted a fellow yogi behind me squatting low, still as a statue of Buddha with a face like an angel. <i>Yeah, f*ck her too.</i> I could feel how strong my unwillingness to hold the pose for more than 10 seconds was as my mind went from tantric to tantrum. Regardless of the inner chatter I decided that I should just get back into the pose and try again. So I did. With at least 3 minutes left on the clock I spread my thighs and squatted low, shins still burning, mind still flaring. And that's when it hit me.<br />
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<i>BOOM!</i><br />
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"F*CK THIS AND F*CK YOU!" I screamed. At the top of my lungs.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>Oops, did I say that out loud…?</i><br />
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"F**********CCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!" I yelled again. "I F*CKING HATE THIIIIISSSSSSSS!"<br />
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Somehow, my self-editing button had been switched to "off" and my mouth was actually saying (screaming at the top of her lungs actually) what my mind would usually keep to herself.<br />
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You probably don't need me to tell you that at this point, everyone in the room was looking at me. The quiet, petite, mantra singing yogi; i.e. me, was losing her shit. And it was loud.<br />
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As I stood up straight I started punching the air with my arms and legs in what looked like a bad case of kung fu fighting Gangnam-yogi style. I kicked and punched at thin air, (still screaming) until after a few seconds the fire that had been raging within me dissolved. My kung fu moves smoothed out and as suddenly as I had burst into flames, I got all Beyoncé, twisting and twirling to the beat of an inner drum that seemingly could be heard, or at least felt, by the yogis around me. As suddenly as the rage had taken me over, I felt a huge blast of joy bursting up from my feet to the crown of my head.<br />
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And then I noticed Kelli standing right in front of me.<br />
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<i>Oh-oh, I'm in trouble.</i><br />
<br />
Rather than reprimand me for disrupting her peaceful yin class, Kelli Prieur became my cheerleader. Apparently she (and the rest of the yogis as they told me later) felt as though they had just witnessed a transformation. A bit like a cosmetic surgery makeover only without the scalpels and botox. My makeover was an internal one. And boy did it feel good.<br />
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By yelling and screaming my way through my pain I somehow managed to release what felt like a lifetime of suppressed anger. How it happened I have no explanation, but I do know that it came on organically and once I'd screamed the roof off, I felt lighter, brighter and happier.*<br />
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Although it sounds ironic, this very release is what led me to feeling disappointed this week. How? Well, within an hour of landing back in Sydney, I got a text message from a guy I'd been chatting with before I left for the life-changing yoga trip. Being on a holiday high I was feeling bold and cheeky and so I suggested we meet for dinner. It went well and I've seen him a couple of times since then.<br />
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However, as my interest has slowly increased it seems his has waned; hence my disappointment. But the story doesn't end there. As I sat within the see-saw feeling of disappointment this week I felt my body telling me something else. I sat still and listened, just like I had during horse pose. The same up and down feeling of disappointment was there in my chest, but faintly below it I could feel a vague sense that the outer edges of my heart space were also being tugged open. <i>Hmm</i>, I thought, <i>what's that?</i> And then, it hit me (again). <i>BOOM</i>!<br />
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I was feeling Vulnerable.<br />
<br />
Woah.<br />
<br />
Beneath my disappointment was vulnerability. I got a clear sense that my willingness to be open to the potential of giving love and receiving love had also left me wide open to disappointment. But I realised my being vulnerable was a good thing. A breakthrough. I hadn't truly been open to giving and receiving love in years (maybe ever) and here I was openly <i>liking</i> <i>someone,</i> not quite at the loving stage but really, what's the difference? Being open is being open. Hallelujah!<br />
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Incase you haven't joined the dots, the message here is threefold:<br />
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1) In order to find a new way of being, I had to let go of some old stuff. For me, that meant taking myself away from my daily routine to a yoga retreat and screaming.<br />
2) Letting go of that old stuff allowed me to feel safe to be vulnerable with a stranger who could potentially hurt me. As it happens, I did feel hurt, but…<br />
3) At the bottom of my disappointment was a globe of light that I would never have found had I not taken the first step of Opening Up and Letting Go.<br />
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Just like <i>The Butler</i>, I had to release my pride and my ego before I was ever going to find the incredible gift that was lying at the bottom of my least favourite poses – horse and dating. Little did I know that by sitting in the sting of my burning shins and allowing myself to like someone I would burst through a ring of fire that holds the key to feeling good even when I'm being vulnerable.<br />
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And, just like <i>The Butler</i>, if I continue to face any inner or outer turmoil and maintain an openness and willingness to choose love, then I'm pretty sure my dream of eventually getting married and living in a beautiful beach house in Queensland is merely a few hours, days, months or years away.<br />
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Until then, I'll keep on being vulnerable.<br />
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*Screaming is not the only route to happiness, but it may help.<br />
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<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-58684595108000917242013-10-19T10:15:00.000+11:002013-11-30T21:24:24.657+11:00Dear Universe…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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OK, it's been a long time between drinks but I'm slowly getting my blog back on.<br />
<br />
Truth is, there's been so much going on in my daily life that my creative blog juices just haven't had time to make it from the blender into a glass.<br />
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However, this morning, it's a perfect Sydney Saturday and I can feel a new blend forming as I type.<br />
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The reason why I haven't been blogging is because I've been focusing on finding regular and satisfying work that allows me the time and headspace to write books and build my meditation group (<a href="https://www.facebook.com/LoveCircleMeditation" target="_blank">The Love Circle</a>) into a business.<br />
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You may remember from my blogs <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/02/beating-financial-cancer.html" target="_blank">Beating Financial Cancer</a> and <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/04/its-time-to-shine.html" target="_blank">It's Time To Shine</a> how my finances have been down this year. I'd been holding out for work that made my heart sing and which yielded a regular income. I wasn't prepared to do work that didn't fill me with joy and as a result, my earnings were relatively low. Well, the great news is, I found a job that ticks both boxes!<br />
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About 3 months ago I got a call from <i>Reader's Digest</i> asking if I could fill in for someone who had to take unexpected leave. Lucky for me I was available. After a couple of months of filling in on a random basis, I am now doing ongoing freelance work for a magazine that I love. The people I'm working with are incredibly inspiring and lovely, there's not a fluorescent light in sight, and I find the content absolutely fascinating! Basically, I have scored a trifecta!<br />
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Had I not held out for a role that would fulfill all my requirements, I may not have been in a position to fill in for someone at such short notice, and therefore may have missed out on this opportunity altogether.<br />
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Of course, there are many ways to look at this. You could say that by throwing the dice you will eventually roll a double six. I could have found a happy and stimulating role without needing to put myself through the "turmoil" of holding out.<br />
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Whichever of the two trains of thought you hold, doesn't really matter. I feel absolutely certain that my sending a message to the Universe about the exact life I wanted to live has led to this incredible opening.<br />
<br />
Which leads me to my next wish…<br />
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Love.<br />
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Yip, now that I have found a wholly satisfying 3-days-a-week work scenario where I get to experience regular work at a magazine I love, with people I admire and adore; I now have the luxury of at least 2 days a week that I can spend writing my books and working on other projects such as building my meditation practice and looking at starting to teach yoga.<br />
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But that's all work stuff and life isn't just about work. It's actually about love and happiness.<br />
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So here lies my next request, which I put to the Universe this morning. It went something like this:<br />
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<i>Dear Universe,</i><br />
<i>Thank you so much for answering my prayers. I am so grateful for my wonderful life. Thank you for my amazing apartment, for the birds that wake me in the morning with their beautiful songs and for the incredible people I have in my life. I am blessed.</i><br />
<i>I would like to ask you to help me find someone to share this all with. (At this point, tears starting flowing…). </i><br />
<i>Please can you help me to open my heart so that I can allow someone else in. I would really like to meet a soulmate; someone I can love.</i><br />
<i>Please help me to be open to finding someone to begin a new and loving relationship with. To give love and to receive love.</i><br />
<i>Thank you.</i><br />
<i>PS I would really like a dog too.</i><br />
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That last line even made me laugh as I said it, but it's the truth, and as you know, I intend to hold nothing back in these blogs.<br />
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And so there it is. I am ready to find love. My "light is on" as they say.<br />
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The fact that it's taken me 42 years to find the "on" switch doesn't matter. Yes, I've been in love before, but back then, I didn't love myself, so whether that was ever true love or not I don't know. It was what is was and that's totally OK.<br />
<br />
However, I am now in the incredible position of loving myself wholly and completely. I can only guess that self-love will allow me to give love in an entirely different way. My cup is now full and constantly overflowing, as opposed to occasionally percolating and then being drained. I can honestly say there were many times when I was so busy scrambling around looking for paper filters that anyone wanting a drink was going to have a long wait.<br />
<br />
But now I have all the ingredients laid out, chopped and ready to go, and I've gotten rid of the percolator, replacing it with a shiny new blender. The blender is constantly whizzing and whirring, serving up deliciously healthy and satisfying cups of love. Every day.<br />
<br />
For the past 12 months or more I've been drinking it on a daily basis and sharing it with friends. But now I'm ready to open shop and find a brand new customer: namely a loving man who likes to try new things. A guy who is ready to meet <i>his</i> soulmate, to give and receive love like he's never known before. A man who is open to sharing his journey with me and who can give me a look that says "I love you" without having to say a word.<br />
<br />
Yes, Love In A Cup is now open for business. I'm taking the idea out into the world. Our brand values are Love. Our mission statement is Love. Our vision statement is also Love. It's a simplistic plan and I really hope it will work. I have the backing of the Universe who is on board as an angel investor.<br />
<br />
It's a great position to be in and if previous experience is anything to go by, I just hope in my heart I can roll another double six…<br />
<br />
<br />
PS It would be really great if he likes dogs too.<br />
<br />
: )<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-87917948149976437472013-10-03T21:05:00.000+10:002013-10-04T20:03:13.801+10:00A Fishy Tale<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Well, it's been precisely 3 months since I last wrote a blog and it's been exactly the same length of time since Jacqueline Harrison and I added anything to our book <i>Stress Free Business</i>.<br />
<br />
As it's been a while, I'll give you a brief recap:<br />
<br />
<br />
1. Jacqueline Harrison came to me with a book idea and we spoke about me editing her book.<br />
2. I started writing a blog (this blog!) about the processes in her book.<br />
3. I approached Jacqueline about co-authoring the book.<br />
4. Jacqueline agreed, the book took on a new life, changed its name and we began working together.<br />
5. After about 3 months, life took us both in different directions for a while and it became 3 months before we had a chance to reconnect.<br />
6. Today we had our first book meeting in 3 months.<br />
<br />
Basically, the past 3 months has been a whirlwind. Fast forward to now and I can honestly say I am thrilled to be back on the book project albeit with a brand new motive.<br />
<br />
The initial motive was to become a millionaire blogger.<br />
<br />
Great, still loving that idea, but if I am to be completely honest, I also now have a far deeper intention for writing this blog (and the book), which may have always been there but was overshadowed by the millionaire price tag.<br />
<br />
Wanna know what that new intention is?<br />
<br />
Because. I. Want. To.<br />
<br />
I know, sounds like a dumbed down version of life doesn't it. A bit like the sequel to Jaws. You already know someone's going to be eaten by the shark so what's the point in watching? The element of surprise has gone.<br />
<br />
Will I become a millionaire or not was the whole point. The million bucks was the great white shark and it was lurking in the depths of the ocean somewhere. It was up to me to outsmart it and try to catch it before it came and bit me on the behind or swam away never to be seen again.<br />
<br />
Trouble is, I've now gone and written the aquatic monster (i.e the lead character) out of the script which means I'm left with a plot that reads something like this…<br />
<br />
1. Girl goes to beach at night and decides to go for a swim<br />
2. People go to beach during the day and have a great time<br />
3. Three men go on a fishing trip and catch nothing<br />
<br />
Hmm.<br />
<br />
If I was pitching that one to Steven Spielberg I doubt I'd get a bite (pun intended). Not much of a plot really. Unless I was to angle it slightly differently…<br />
<br />
1. Girl wants to be a millionaire<br />
2. Girl decides to do that through catching a great white (writing a book and a blog)<br />
3. Girl realises she doesn't need to catch a great white to be rich<br />
4. Girl decides she wants to write the book and blog anyway because it's so much fun and to heck with the shark!<br />
<br />
And there it is. A very short blog to simply reintroduce myself back into the blogosphere and to ring the bell and announce that it's time to put my swimmers back on and get back in the water.<br />
<br />
<br />
PS… [<i>read</i>: Spoiler Alert]<br />
The shark still exists only now it's wearing the equivalent of frilly pyjamas and a pair of ugg boots (specially made fin-shaped ones). Steven Spielberg is still on the watch list and if my estimation is right, just like Jaws there will definitely be more than one sequel to this story.<br />
<br />
PPS… Actually, you'd best keep your wits about you, because the scariest thing about any shark tale is the very moment <i>after</i> you've been lulled into a false sense of security and think that it's dead.<br />
<br />
[cue the music…]<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-14696540303524040132013-07-02T09:39:00.001+10:002013-07-02T09:39:49.448+10:00Let Your Heart Sing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Manifesting your dreams is an interesting business.<br />
<br />
Sometimes, the things we ask the Universe for will land in our lap long after we've forgotten we ever mentioned them.<br />
<br />
That very thing happened to me just a couple weeks ago.<br />
<br />
Back in December I wrote a blog called <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/becoming-millionaire-step-2.html" target="_blank">Becoming A Millionaire: Step 2</a>. It was based on some advice in (what was then) Jacqueline Harrison's book <i>How To Create A Business From Nothing</i>. As you may know, Jacqueline and I are now co-authoring and the book is taking on a whole new life, but more about that another time…<br />
<br />
One of the steps she advised was to build a picture of your end business goal and work back. My vision involved a beautiful 4-bedroom house in Queensland which I share with my husband (who I am yet to meet), and is a place from which I run yoga and meditation retreats. I also (flippantly) mentioned that I wanted to run workshops in Hawaii. Well, turns out I'm doing exactly that, and it's taken less than 12 months to manifest.<br />
<br />
Wowsers.<br />
<br />
What's even more wow about this is the fact that when I agreed to help out on my friend's yoga retreat in Hawaii, the idea of it being part of my greater vision couldn't have been further from my mind. In the 6 months since I wrote that blog I have kept myself busy with putting one foot in front of the other. Generally speaking I have focused on earning some money while continuing to follow my heart: I figured running workshops in Hawaii was a long way down the track.<br />
<br />
When I was introduced to Kelli Prieur, owner of <a href="http://kellisheartglow.com/" target="_blank">Kelli's Heartglow Yoga</a>, it was in the context of me editing her upcoming book. However, we hit it off so well that what began as a one-way editing street has now become an intertwined magical mystery tour that just happens to be stopping in Maui this October.<br />
<br />
Shut. The. Front. Door.<br />
<br />
My heart has some very firm ideas about what it will and won't accept, and one of its conditions is to only work with people who are kind, compassionate, authentic and fun. And who allow my heart to sing its own mantra.<br />
<br />
Singing someone else's tune? Um, that's a big no-no for my heart – she has her own repertoire and far from being closed to new ideas (harmonising is perfectly acceptable) if a situation calls for a bum note, it's non-negotiable. She's outta there.<br />
<br />
The consequence of this level of commitment is that I have turned down paid work that didn't resonate with my heart. Namely, sitting in an air-conditioned office under fluorescent lights for eight hours working for someone who doesn't even know I exist – is not going to happen. It also means that on occasion I have refused to work with certain people. If their song doesn't have a beat or rhythm that I can dance to, then it's a "thanks, but no thanks". Surprisingly I've even turned away existing clients if the relationship began to feel out of tune.<br />
<br />
In simple terms, working from my heart space has meant turning away a lot of potential cash.<br />
<br />
And d'you know what? In doing that, I have truly tested my commitment to doing what makes my heart sing, and in turn I seem to be moving closer to the vision I wrote about last year. I have pushed the boundaries of what is important to me and in doing so sent a very clear message to the Universe that I will only operate where there is integrity, love and joy. I will only work with people who appreciate me, and I will wholeheartedly maintain my devotion to filling my heart with joy and love no matter what other consequences arise from that.<br />
<br />
One of the consequences – which would easily look like a down side – is that my earnings dropped to an all-time low during this period. In fact, my 2012/2013 tax return will come in at around $25k. Bear in mind, the rent on my apartment is over $14k per year, so it hasn't left a lot to spend on food, travel and necessities.<br />
<br />
For many, it would have been a grim year, but because I kept my heart open, having such low funds really didn't matter. Even more amazing is the fact that holding out all that time and maintaining a commitment to go where the joy is I am now in a space where everything seems to be turning around. And it's happening fast.<br />
<br />
In many respects, getting to this point has been a tough road, but in many more ways it's been the most natural thing in the world. By letting go of the idea that success is a 6-figure pay check, and a mortgage, and whatever else we generally concede to equal success, I have found a gigantic treasure chest that is more bejewelled than any pay check I've ever received.<br />
<br />
By continually following my heart for the past 6-12 months (actually it's more like 4 years), I have learned that the Universe listens to what it is we are really saying. What<i> I</i> have been saying is that I believe in myself; I trust that I will be looked after; and if I set my heart on a dream that is in harmony with the greater good, then it's only a matter of time before it becomes my reality.<br />
<br />
Had I continued to work as an employee with a regular salary, and continued listing my dreams wistfully while plugging away at someone else's song, I may still have happened upon this incredible Hawaiian experience. But I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have felt the golden threads that hold this picture in place.<br />
<br />
If I hadn't given my heart the opportunity to be free, I'm not sure I'd be heading to Maui to sing mantra for a group of beautiful yogis. I would probably be there practicing asana as I've always done, and I would still be repeating my dream that one day I'd be sharing my voice instead of hiding it away.<br />
<br />
The lesson I've really learned here is that if we have a dream or goal, no matter how huge it may seem and no matter how far down the track we think it is, if we simply open our hearts, the very thing we dream of could actually be just around the next corner.<br />
<br />
Simply put; if we speak from the heart, listen with the heart, and work and play from the heart, there is surely only one outcome.<br />
<br />
Joy.<br />
<br />
For me, that involves singing mantra at a yoga retreat in Maui. But what has also come from this experience is a slow but definite increase in work that I truly love, as well as a continually expanding network of authentic, joyful and creative people. Income wise, things are really beginning to pick up. I guess it's like any tipping point: when my soul, my thoughts and beliefs are back in alignment, the money was sure to come flowing back in. And flowing it is.<br />
<br />
I wish we all had the opportunity to open our hearts and take a risk. Maybe we all do, but more often I hear reasons not to be free.<br />
<br />
Either way, there's got to be at least 7 billion ways to live your dream so what is your heart saying right now? What's the dream your heart is holding onto?<br />
<br />
Maybe it's time to let it out so you can sing, dance and love just as we are all meant to…<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-79601875812085616192013-06-23T16:20:00.004+10:002013-06-24T11:03:55.466+10:00The Power Of Not Knowing<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This morning I had a 2-hour writing workshop planned with my co-author Jacqueline Harrison. We've got a book to finish and as we'd both had a busy week, today (Sunday) was the only day we were able to catch up.<br />
<br />
I almost didn't go.<br />
<br />
I've worked the last 14 days straight and yesterday I ran a mantra healing workshop, which pretty much took up my entire Saturday, so by the time I awoke this morning I was spent. It's cold and rainy in Sydney and I could easily have snuggled up under the covers and stayed in bed.<br />
<br />
But I didn't.<br />
<br />
I got up, rubbed my tired eyes, showered and dressed, and walked to Jacqueline's house for our weekly writing session. I was committed to our schedule and boy, was it worth it.<br />
<br />
Being tired can be a physical <i>and</i> emotional state. Sleepiness (physical) and fatigue (emotional) can be difficult to overcome. An extra hour or two in bed, or an afternoon nap can help, but when we are committed to doing something with love, our emotional self livens up. The light that illuminates our heart flicks on and we gather energy that wasn't there before. The spark that makes us feel happy has the ability to override tiredness. Ask any new mum: the love for their child enables them to get out of bed in the middle of the night for a fifth, sixth and seventh time to tend to their crying baby, even when they can barely open their eyes.<br />
<br />
My work is my baby. And I have a willingness and commitment to ensure its welfare, hence getting to Jacqueline's house this morning even though it meant arriving tired and soaked to the skin.<br />
<br />
As adults we become accustomed to knowing things. By the time we reach 30, 40 and beyond we have a certain amount of life experience, which means anything new is filtered through a deep and vast memory bank. This vault of memories enables us to apply a new idea or task to a similar situation or lesson from our past. It's a useful tool. But there is a down side. Becoming complacent about having "wisdom" can mean we continually apply old patterns to new opportunities and as a result we cease to evolve.<br />
<br />
Until recognising the above, I was definitely guilty of running new challenges through my old tape player and predominantly coming up with the same thing. For example: I would start a business, get it off the ground, get stuck, give up and start again with a new business idea.<br />
<br />
By not not fully acknowledging my areas of naivety, I was blocking my own progress. Suffice to say, I wasn't necessarily stuck because I didn't have the skills to reach my goals: I was stuck because I didn't understand that I thought I knew everything I needed to know as opposed to recognising that maybe it's not about <i>what</i> I know, but <i>how</i> I apply that knowledge. I.e. being able to accept that although I am an intelligent and capable adult, maybe there is something about this situation that I don't understand.<br />
<br />
As adults, we are programmed to believe that we are competent and capable – which is largely true. But by believing we "know stuff" we close ourselves off to the idea that we "<i>don't</i> know stuff", which ultimately leads to us missing the incredible lessons that life serves. We remain busy figuring out what we know about this or that, rather than approaching life with the wide eyes of a child.<br />
<br />
Children lack foresight; they have limited experience which means new situations are figured out using their creative mind. As adults, we mostly call upon our logical brain to decode and analyse situations based on what has gone before.<br />
<br />
By peeling away the need to be "right" and "knowledgeable", we actually open ourselves up to an incredible array of new experiences that propel us into a whole new world. This actually feeds the very thing we were unconsciously trying to protect – namely our intelligence!<br />
<br />
Being open to not knowing is one of the greatest tools of expansion I have ever used. And it can be applied to seemingly ordinary tasks such as meeting a friend for coffee, visiting your in-laws when you don't feel like it, or walking in the rain to a writing workshop on a Sunday morning.<br />
<br />
When we choose the notion of "I know nothing" we become open to new possibilities. In practical terms it means choosing a new path. If we do what we have always done, then our lives stay the same. If we cancel the coffee because we're tired, or call off the visit to the in-laws because we are too busy we miss out on having a new experience. We're coming at it from the place of "knowing". It's OK to cancel but ask yourself "Why?" Why are you not doing that thing? Had I chosen not to attend the workshop this morning because I was tired I would really have been saying "I know what is going to come from this session". But how can we possibly ever know?<br />
<br />
I believe that coming from a place of "knowing" is sometimes an escape or coping mechanism that allows us to sit in our comfort zone. We can dress it up as a headache or exhaustion, but ask yourself: if that experience you are saying no to involved your favourite person in the world, the man or woman who makes your heart sing, or the celebrity you would do anything to meet, would you still cancel?<br />
<br />
I doubt it.<br />
<br />
Somewhere in you, you'd find the energy and the willingness to be open, and with that would naturally dawn an incredible sense of excitement. It sounds counter-intuitive, but I believe it is our "knowing" that can dull our experience. If we can relearn to apply a childlike openness to our life, then doors will open that we didn't even know existed.<br />
<br />
And that's what happened today.<br />
<br />
As I sat with Jacqueline, tired and shivering from the cold, my commitment to writing took precedence over my basic needs. In the past I would have probably rescheduled the session, stayed in bed an extra hour and considered that I was honouring my need to sleep. That previous attitude set a great precept for honouring my basic needs and I adhere to that as a principle.<br />
<br />
But by stepping out of my comfort zone and allowing something that hadn't yet been created to evolve, Jacqueline and I experienced an exceptional 2-hour writing session that produced some incredible work and put a spring in both our steps.<br />
<br />
Had I maintained my old habit of putting my physical health first – my "knowing what's best", I would have missed out on the golden nuggets that I experienced today. But by allowing myself 2 hours to "not know" and be open to whatever that delivered, both Jacqueline and myself have grown as authors and as human beings.<br />
<br />
So the next time you hear yourself saying "no" or "I know", I invite you to consider something.<br />
<br />
Maybe you don't.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-40969125823709806582013-06-05T19:49:00.001+10:002013-06-05T20:09:51.828+10:00Love You Too<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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An amazing thing just happened that I want to share.<br />
<br />
My sister just told me to get off out of her life. To "leave her alone" to basically just f*ck off.<br />
<br />
I'm actually still digesting this, and being as she has asked me not to contact her I'm respecting her wishes. But I also feel the need to express myself.<br />
<br />
So, here's how it went. I sent my sister an email asking how she was. I mentioned how the last few times we've communicated she hasn't seemed to want to engage with me. To be fair, we are hardly close: she's my sister but we are about as similar as an iPad and a shoe.<br />
<br />
She's been unwell for some time and my intuition was nudging me to ask if she was OK. Her answer? She's fine. Great! But I have to say, the remainder of the email made me question if that was really the truth, because she followed up by saying how she can't stand my "self-help speak" and if I'm going to talk about wanting to "engage" with her then she's not interested.<br />
<br />
Call me psychic but I'm guessing "fine" might not be the whole story.<br />
<br />
I'm not going to write about a lifetime's communication (or lack of) with my sister, but suffice to say I am amazed that someone would react to a caring email from a sibling by saying "please leave me alone".<br />
<br />
Actually, I'm not amazed at all. I'm not even surprised.<br />
<br />
I could write fifty million blogs about my family and how screwed up I think we all are, but what would that achieve? It would only serve as a way for me to get a whole bunch of sh*t off my chest and I'd have to name and shame in the process. Even if I didn't, it wouldn't take much to work out who I'm talking about, right? And there's always three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.<br />
<br />
So what else can I do in this situation?<br />
<br />
Well, I'm sticking with my latest theme which is Shifting Perspective. Previously, I would have responded to my sister's behaviour with anger, venom and a Supersized "F*ck You" right back. I would have released my inner dragon from its cave and sent it charging at her with forked tongue and fire. I actually used to be proud of the fact that I was the queen of F*ck You. I had the ability to take a man down with one look, and would practically behead people if they were foolish enough to cross me.<br />
<br />
But that's not the case any more. And in fact, I'm not even having to curb those feelings right now because they're just not there.<br />
<br />
Now <i>that's</i> amazing.<br />
<br />
But this isn't about me sitting on a sanctimonious ivory tower, this is about recognising that someone is struggling to feel good and that deserves compassion. Even if they are saying they'd rather pretend I didn't exist.<br />
<br />
We all have our demons and some people's are bigger than others. I'm lucky in the sense that I don't have a predominance for depression. Sure, I feel sad and blue, and struggle at times but even when life sucks I usually manage to see flickers of light. It's a gift that I am <i>very</i> grateful to have. The only down side to this is when I'm in communication with someone who is feeling depressed or glum, because they tend to see me as the most irritating human being on planet Earth.<br />
<br />
It's not great seeing someone smiling when you feel like throwing yourself off the Harbour Bridge. And there is nothing worse than someone shining a light of happiness on your world when you're in a funk and believe that the world is sh*t and you just want to be left alone.<br />
<br />
Depression is a very real thing that affects a lot of people. And when you're depressed, you're depressed. Nothing's gonna fix it, and that's a fact, right?<br />
<br />
But what if that's not the whole truth? What if within the layers of depression there is a spiritual veil that masks our ability to see the truth? What if hiding our sadness is part of the problem? If being depressed wasn't seen as "imperfect" then would it be as debilitating?<br />
<br />
I don't know the answer to that.<br />
<br />
But what I do know is that last year when I went into therapy for the first time in my life (not a moment too soon), I experienced a black, sludgy cloak that soaked through to my bones and practically prevented me from getting out of bed for almost 4 months. My usual squeaky clean optimism was muddy and heavy. I struggled to work. In fact I made so many mistakes at work during that time that I was left almost jobless and I'm still recovering from that a year later.<br />
<br />
When I was in the thick of it I could feel my optimistic self wanting to clamp down over the problem and take me off to the beach for a walk:<i> It'll make you happy</i> it said.<br />
<br />
But I didn't go for a walk.<br />
<br />
I sat in my bed, still and quiet. I allowed the feelings I'd obviously been suppressing my entire life to be felt. Feelings of rejection from men, feelings of abandonment and lack of support from my parents, feelings of pain from sexual abuse as a child, feelings of rage from a horrific car crash that left my friend dead and my boyfriend in a coma, feelings of f*cking up my last relationship, of hating myself for always running away, feeling the guilt of leaving my beautiful dog behind for a life of freedom. Feelings of being worthless and hopeless.<br />
<br />
I felt them all.<br />
<br />
I sat in their gloom, their self-pity and their filth and I ate them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I had no idea how long they would last but I knew I had never allowed them to be <i>really</i> felt before. So I gave them a chance to be expressed, to come out of their dark corners and into the light. I was terrified that I would feel like this for the rest of my life.<br />
<br />
As it happens, for me, the blackness only lasted 24 hours before the fog started to lift. I wouldn't say I sprang out of bed the next day, (in fact it has taken around 12 months for the healing to come full circle), but that sick and disgusting feeling dissolved after a full day of Allowing It To Be.<br />
<br />
I came to understand that for years I had stuffed those ugly feelings down into the pit of my Being because I didn't think it was OK to feel like that. Having finally allowed them to be felt is now giving me the ability to have compassion for my sister where I wouldn't have had it before.<br />
<br />
By allowing myself to express the "negative" and shadow parts of myself, I have found a brand new space that allows me to hear my sister shut me out, and know that there is still hope. And love. Interestingly, it is through experiencing my own pain that I am able to have more love for someone, who from what I can gather isn't able to love herself right now. And who would rather not have me in her life.<br />
<br />
I have come to understand that it's OK to feel like sh*t. In fact, it's part of being human. And if my sister wants to tell me to get lost, then instead of throwing mud back at her, I will shine love on her instead. I'll respect her wish for distance and will use the power of positive thought to help us mend the fence between us.<br />
<br />
I don't know if all my angry birds have gone just because I wallowed in my own crap for a year, but I do know that loving other people when they cannot love themself (or you) is a gift. And so I shall continue sending loving thoughts to my sister and maybe one day we'll both be free to tell each other "I love you" and really mean it.<br />
<br />
And if not, then at least I have learnt to love myself enough to allow my fears and hurt to be accepted and felt by Me.<br />
<br />
It would be the icing on the cake if my sister got the chance to experience that too.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div>
<br /></div>
</div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-41834522126561584592013-06-02T18:54:00.004+10:002013-06-03T06:53:15.209+10:00Shift Happens<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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On Saturday morning at 5.30am I queued up with around 160 other people to embark on a new journey.<br />
<br />
A Shift In Perspective.<br />
<br />
The reason over hundred people were gathered at such a crazy time on a Saturday was to celebrate the reopening of the <a href="http://www.lululemon.com.au/" target="_blank">Lululemon</a> store in Bondi Junction. At the start of the walk we were each invited to write something we wanted to release onto a strip of paper and burn it in a lantern before setting off on a short hike from Bondi to Bronte.<br />
<br />
Wanna know what I wrote? "I release my need to be single."<br />
<br />
When we reached our destination, we were handed another piece of paper and invited to write a goal or dream. I wrote the following: I am ready to step into the fear and stop avoiding the things I've been avoiding.<br />
<br />
Finding Love would be a good start.<br />
<br />
I recently posted two blogs <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/gone-fishing.html" target="_blank">Gone Fishing</a> and <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/what-is-freedom.html" target="_blank">Butterflies, Intimacy and A White Picket Fence</a> about a guy I met online. I was excited to have met someone who had pep, and our communication certainly put a smile on my face. Until the contact from his end stopped – which made me stop – and question what was going on.<br />
<br />
Well, it turns out, Mr RSVP hadn't received my email after all. Basically, due to a technology/human hiccup Mr RSVP hadn't activated his private email onto his smartphone until after I had already sent him a message. So that message never reached his inbox. Not on his phone anyway, which is what he was checking.<br />
<br />
Once our techno faux pas was fixed, the communication was back on like it had been before. He sent lovely long emails full of wisdom and clarity. <i>This guy's a catch</i> I thought to myself. But then a funny thing happened. Well, not so funny, more warped really. Basically, I got creeped out by the whole thing and pulled the plug. I told Mr R that it was No Can Do.<br />
<br />
The reason why I bailed on what could have been an amazing relationship is due to a couple of things:<br />
<br />
1) As soon as it became clear that he actually <i>hadn't</i> seen my email and our connection was <i>real</i>, I got scared. <i>What if This Is It? What if he is The One?</i><br />
<br />
I didn't realise having an <i>actual</i> relationship was such a frightening concept to me. I honestly freaked out at the idea that someone had stolen my heart, and that I had met someone who could potentially lead to being someone I really care for.<br />
<br />
2) The thought that if I met this guy in person and we don't click also reared its head. We had emailed each other a couple of "Selfies" just to show that the pics on the website matched the current real life picture. Now, let's remember these were Selfies, which anyone over the age of 30 knows are not going to show your best side. And second, I'm not exactly Gisele Bundchen, especially first thing in the morning when I look more like a smashed crab.<br />
<br />
As soon as I opened the pics, I changed my mind about the whole deal. My unconscious mind suddenly had a reason to run. (I'll admit, the pics did change my view slightly, but I don't think that's really all that was going on for me.)<br />
<br />
How does that relate to making a shift? I'm getting there…<br />
<br />
When we make a shift in one area of our lives it can change everything. For me that shift has been the way I communicate with people. Jacqueline Harrison, who I am co-authoring <i>How To Create A Business From Nothing</i> with, has taught me a lot about business. One thing that has stood out from the moment she said it was about getting used to having awkward conversations.<br />
<br />
That single note of advice has absolutely changed my world. And I'll tell you how.<br />
<br />
For one, I no longer let things that make me cross get to the point where I resent the other person for not realising they are "doing me wrong" until my lid blows off and I get angry. What I'm finding these days is that even when there's tension and snippiness between myself and another person, I'm able to address the situation in a calm and comfortable manner. Most of the time, anyway.<br />
<br />
And when it comes to telling someone that I'm just not that into them (even if I might be but am actually too scared to invest what it takes), I can at least express my fears in a civil and honest fashion. And that's really new for me.<br />
<br />
For years, (despite having a reputation for being blunt and telling it like it is), I used to bottle some things up until resentment was overflowing and I'd lash out. It was usually over small things, but I didn't have the tools or resources to express myself very well. So I'd be blunt and angry and charge at the offender using my tongue as a sword.<br />
<br />
At least now I feel comfortable that I can let people know if they have upset me, and that equally I can be clear about not wanting to take a relationship any further if that's how I feel. Intimate relationships are where I have struggled the most with the idea of free expression, because there seems to be so much at stake.<br />
<br />
But it seems with one seemingly small shift in perspective, even the toughest conversations are possible. And not only are they possible, but they can be spoken with love and grace, even when you know they will hurt.<br />
<br />
And that for me is a huge breakthrough.<br />
<br />
I just hope that if the next guy I meet really is The One that I will have shifted enough of my sh*t to be able to actually embrace and accept him with open arms, rather than be pleased that I am now able to say "No Thanks."<br />
<br />
All I can say is watch this space…<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-15658341268018903502013-06-02T12:29:00.001+10:002013-06-02T12:53:02.377+10:00All Mouth And No Trousers<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Last week, Jacqueline Harrison and I sat down to start co-writing our book <i>How To Create A Business From Nothing</i>.<br />
<br />
As you'll recall from my blog <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2012/12/youre-on.html" target="_blank">You're On</a>, the book was originally Jacqueline's idea, but after reading the first few chapters I approached her about writing this blog alongside her writing the book. And then after a few months of blogging I took another courageous step (for me) and asked her about us co-authoring the title (which I wrote about in <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/shooting-for-gold.html" target="_blank">Shooting For Gold</a>). Last Friday, we had our first writing day.<br />
<br />
Although, it very nearly didn't turn out that way.<br />
<br />
Jacqueline and I had already brainstormed the idea where we fleshed out the book and gave ourselves a week to think about our individual input. When we met up last Friday I had spent the morning strategising and working through some of my ideas. I wanted to discuss them with Jacqueline so that we could determine our collective vision for the book, form a clear picture of who the reader is, and plot the chapters. I wanted to line up all the ducks so that we could get started.<br />
<br />
Jacqueline on the other hand, just wanted to start writing.<br />
<br />
"Well," I said, "Before we start writing we need to know who the reader is and what our purpose is so we can refer to that and stay on track." <i>(You see, I know a lot about publishing; I've been doing it a long time…)</i><br />
<br />
"Yes," said Jacqueline, "So let's start writing."<br />
<br />
<i>(Oh dear, she obviously doesn't realise how important all this stuff is in creating a bestseller…) </i><br />
<br />
"But before we get the words down I think we need to be clear about the angle and what we hope to achieve."<br />
<br />
"Absolutely," agreed Jacquleine. "So let's start writing."<br />
<br />
It was at this point (with maybe a few more buts from me) that I realised Jacqueline was less interested in dotting all the 'i's' and crossing all the 'Ts' and more keen to get some words down. This was going against everything I "knew" and my resistance was strong. Every cell in my body was saying We Must Have A Clear Plan.<br />
<br />
Luckily, at least a few other cells had the wisdom to stop and listen. I considered the situation. Both Jacqueline and I have started businesses before, and writing a book is like starting a business. It's basically a product. In this situation I am the "book expert" but Jacqueline is the business expert and has made millions of dollars from her ventures. Meantime, I seem to have made millions of "buts."<br />
<br />
In that moment I recognised that listening to Jacqueline and just getting on with the writing process could help me move closer to my dream of becoming a millionaire. I mean, I am doing what I've always done: making sure I "know" what I'm doing before I start (because I don't want to make a fool of myself or fail, right). So the very idea of just doing it and letting it unfold seemed to go against everything I thought I knew. But really, all I know so far is that my methods aren't working as well as Jacqueline's.<br />
<br />
Hmm.<br />
<br />
My way of operating could definitely do with a shake up. Sitting down to write, brought to light the fact that I've always thought of myself as a do-er, but am beginning to realise that maybe I'm not as proactive as I like to tell myself. Because here I am, wanting to figure out everything about starting our book <i>before</i> we start, which leaves the actual act of writing nowhere near close to happening. In my mind, we have so much to sort out before we can get moving, it's ludicrous to begin. Surely we are setting ourselves up to fail if we don't have an exact map of what, how and why?<br />
<br />
But what if there's another way? An even smarter way?<br />
<br />
Surely not, said my ego…<br />
<br />
Mmm, until that moment, the idea that I was avoiding taking action was unknown to me. The <i>doing</i> part of the plan was sitting beyond my peripheral vision because in my view, the very act of <i>talking</i> about writing the book and planning how and why, <i>was</i> doing it! What I had been telling myself was that the act of actually starting a business, (or in this case, writing a book) was my version of being proactive. But what I hadn't understood was the fact that I Could Be Doing More.<br />
<br />
I have to say, part of me is cringing because I can recall numerous conversations with friends where I have haughtily declared that I am a risk taker and <i>soooo</i> proactive that I wouldn't even know what procrastinating feels like!<br />
<br />
Once I removed the BS-tinted glasses (and listened to Jacqueline telling me about how she also <i>used</i> to avoid making phone calls and talking to potential business partners – before making any money), I felt as though someone had just shone a light into my eyes. Admittedly I also felt an inner dread that I would now have to be "less mouth and more trousers" and Change My Ways.<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>[Sh*t]</i><br />
<br />
Or not…<br />
<br />
<i>[Yay!] </i><br />
<br />
But if I don't then I'm looking at a future that involves many more business start ups and no extra income. In a nutshell, what I need to do is avoid avoiding!<br />
<br />
After a day of writing, Jacqueline and I are now 2000+ words closer to finishing our book. If it hadn't been for my co-author's insight and experience, we might still be plotting and planning the Hows, Wheres and Whys and not even have a page of content. But fortunately at least one of us has learned the benefit of Taking Action. Because as Jacqueline says "Taking action produces results."<br />
<br />
And she's right.<br />
<br />
Plotting and planning, and understanding your competitors is one thing, and I won't argue is useful information when starting a business. But what's the use of a reader profile if you don't have a book (or product) to sell to them! All the knowledge in the world is useless if we have nothing to apply it to, right?<br />
<br />
So, with this breakthrough I have made a new pact with myself (which I am terrified of because it means stepping out of my Comfort Zone and into the Fear Zone), but, I am committed to achieving my dream, so, from this day forth I choose to Take Action and Create Results.<br />
<br />
And with any luck, if I do it enough, that million bucks might <i>actually</i> have a chance to find its way into my back account.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6617312439521178275.post-76808556639375245662013-05-29T18:30:00.006+10:002013-05-29T20:22:45.277+10:00Gone Fishing…<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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So the dating game continues, only this time it involves a hook, a line, and a sinker.</div>
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<span style="text-align: left;"><br /></span>
Last week as I conversed back and forth with Mr RSVP I was so happy to have "met" someone who I found interesting. (If you missed my last blog you can catch up by reading <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/what-is-freedom.html" target="_blank">Butterflies, Intimacy and a White Picket Fence</a>).<br />
<br />
That lovely feeling of receiving a ping in your inbox (so to speak) and a new message from someone you like is really uplifting. Even better, these weren't the standard emails I've received from previous cyber-suitors. These were colourful, engaging and lengthy messages. Amazing! A man who can communicate openly and freely and who by his own admission has "stars in his eyes." A romantic dreamer who likes to "talk".<br />
<br />
Where do I sign…?<br />
<br />
However, after a week of "love, life and butterflies" it has suddenly turned silent.<br />
<br />
Yeah, in a "Gone Fishing" kinda way.<br />
<br />
I should mention that Mr RSVP's last message to me did say that he was maybe planning a fishing trip this week, so it's possible that he actually <i>has</i> gone fishing. However, what I want to share in this blog is my reaction to his lack of communication.<br />
<br />
When I didn't hear back from Mr R after two days, what became clear to me is that I had an attachment to the situation. Not to a specific outcome but an attachment to the idea that if I send someone I like an email, then I expect a reply. The hypocritical aspect to this is that I am sometimes guilty of not replying to people's emails for days (weeks even!). Usually because I've opened their message late at night on my iPhone and consider that I'll reply in the morning when I'm back at my Mac.<br />
<br />
But what usually happens in those instances is that I answer their email or iMessage in my head and never actually send a physical follow up until it dawns on me that I totally forgot! So, just like Mr R I'm often the one that's Gone Fishing without leaving a sign on the door.<br />
<br />
However, that never happens when I'm romantically interested in them…<br />
<br />
It would be easy for me to feel rejected by Mr R's lack of communication, but surprisingly I don't. If this had happened a year or two ago I'm pretty sure my default setting would have been He Doesn't Like Me with one of those sad faces embedded at the end of the sentence.<br />
<br />
I will admit that I was looking forward to reading his response (his emails are well written and are a joy to read). But the thing about this situation is that his "rejection" is allowing me to witness my own increased sense of Self Worth.<br />
<br />
Yes, I am disappointed that he hasn't responded, and part of me wonders if I gave too much away (I did end up sending him the link to my last blog). Maybe my friend who I mentioned in <a href="http://cherryblossombutterflycakes.blogspot.com.au/2013/05/if-shoe-fits.html" target="_blank">If The Shoe Fits</a> is right? Maybe I am a bit too much? Or maybe Mr R really did just go fishing?<br />
<br />
Whatever the reason for his zero response, I still feel good about myself.<br />
<br />
Ding Dong!<br />
<br />
In fact every time I meditate at the moment, I hear the word "Trust". It's an incredible feeling to recognise that my happiness doesn't depend so much on the actions of other people any more. (Even if they are handsome and interesting). I have a far greater belief in the Universe and allowing whatever will be to just be.<br />
<br />
Even more enriching is the fact that I have managed to stay true to my heart. Rather than feel rejected and deflated I simply followed up with a message to let Mr RSVP know that I had sent him a private email that may have ended up in his spam box. (Yes, I have seen <i>He's Just Not That Into You…)</i> Once I felt happy that I had fully expressed myself I Let It Go.<br />
<br />
My purpose these days is to communicate from the heart, and if that's off-putting or too much for someone, then that's OK. I have no control over what someone else hears or understands, only what I say.<br />
<br />
As I learned in India, the notion of attachment is one of the main things that leads to unhappiness. That and expectation: the two of which – in my mind – are closely linked. We become <i>attached</i> to an idea and <i>expect</i> a certain outcome. I liken it to an emotional A&E department. Attachment and Expectation or Accident and Emergency. Same, same.<br />
<br />
Unconscious attachment is a difficult thing to let go of, (we're human, it's part and parcel), and from what I am coming to understand it has multiple layers. The top layer is the hope that you will receive what you wish for (an email reply). The middle layer is the idea that if you don't receive what you wish for that you are not worthy of that wish (He Doesn't Like Me). And right at the bottom lies the notion that your happiness is reliant upon how others respond in general to you (Nobody Wants Me), or how general situations turn out (Life Is Terrible).<br />
<br />
I guess you could call these layers the hook, line and sinking feeling that we have when we are attached to people and things. But the great news is, that even when you still have a few hooks in your pocket (I will still be pleased if he sends me a message), it is possible to see that when you are hungry and would do anything to land a catch, it's also possible to be happy just sitting in the boat and watching the fish as they swim by.<br />
<br />
And not that I'm an expert because this is ALL so new to me, but maybe by relaxing and focusing on the reflection of the sun on the water instead, it's possible that a fish might somehow find a way into your boat without your even casting a line. Or maybe I'm being ridiculously optimistic?<br />
<br />
I guess what I'm saying is that as well as there being plenty of fish in the sea, and many ways to catch them, there is also a forest of fruits, nuts and berries to be eaten.<br />
<br />
Only thing is, you can't pick fruit when you're hellbent on catching fish.<br />
<br />
<br />
PS Wanna know the truth? I'm gutted : (<br />
<br />
Like a fish! ; )<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Hannah Hempenstallhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12481699333199789102noreply@blogger.com0