Little Miss Perfect

This morning as I prepared for a meeting with my business mentor Colin, I diligently went through the things I'd said I would have done since our last meeting. Send out flyers for Reiki workshops… tick… add Google ads to my blog… tick… commence writing my book… tick.

Oh yes, there were ticks all over the place. Little Miss Perfect had an answer for everything. Anything that I hadn't completed I had a very good reason for, and all the boxes were lined up for a pat on the back.

However, despite all the good news, I wasn't feeling it.

When I arrived at the meeting Colin asked me how I felt. "Like shit," I replied. "Time of the month." Looking back, I can see now how that was a big red flag that had nothing to do with my period. It was an excuse. You know, those things that we tell ourselves to justify not doing something because we don't feel great? "Oh, I'm on deadline I'm always frazzled for a week…" or "I'm short on cash till pay day, can we meet next Friday instead…" or "I don't feel well, can we postpone our catch up till another time."

I really didn't feel like being there. I knew the tick boxes were in place but I didn't even want to talk about them. My throat was restricted and my eyes were welling with tears. Not really what you'd expect considering I'd achieved pretty much everything I'd set out to do six weeks earlier.

So what was really going on?

I guess for me, the journey to becoming a millionaire blogger goes beyond earning money and following a set of business rules. Somewhere deeper inside I want personal breakthroughs that have less to do with business and more to do with Life. The further I travel down this path, the more I realise that if I can tap into whatever is blocking my personal growth, my business dreams will simply follow. For me, work and life are one and the same.

So, back to the meeting… Colin relayed that the very fact I didn't want to be at the meeting meant it was the perfect place for me at that moment. He said that if every cell in my body was resisting something then it indicated that I was on the verge of a breakthrough. I had been feeling like crap for a few weeks so I was desperate for a breakthrough that would get me back to my happy place. But I was even more desperate to hide the very thing that would get me there.

Turns out that was Vulnerability.

I hadn't even been seated for five minutes and this was no longer about business. This was going to be a D&M that could see me smash through to a whole new level, but in order to get there, I was required to be vulnerable in front of someone I wanted to appear to be highly capable in front of. (As I unconsciously want to do with everyone.)

Inside, I wanted to bolt.

Yup, I had Silver saddled up and I was ready to gallop off with "Sorry, Colin, can we do this another time," on the tip of my tongue. Fortunately, I could sense that sitting through this meeting would lead me to an oasis that I couldn't reach on my own. I explained to Colin that I was fed up with having limited cashflow. However, things had just turned a corner as I had recently secured two great new contracts. The work was good and I would be paid well, but for now I was emotional and didn't feel like talking about it.

"What do you want to talk about then?" nudged Colin.

I was at a loss for words because I really didn't feel like talking about anything. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and cry. So, I did all of that – except the going home bit.

Every cell in my body was resisting the tears but they wanted to come and come they did. Had Moses been anywhere nearby he could have waved his staff and sent a thousand Israelites through the middle. The floodgates were open and there was only one thing to do: I had to sit there and drink in the fact that I'm not always capable and that I don't always have my sh*t together.

As my face screwed up and the tears came, Colin didn't seem to mind. "Hmm," said my inner voice. "What's going on here then? You're exposing the part of yourself you never let anyone see and yet you are still alive and the person opposite you is still there."

…?

As my inner Self began to realise that being vulnerable didn't mean I would die or that my business mentor would run a mile, laughing at my inability to cope, I listened in to my heart and asked what was going on. In a very clear voice, it relayed to me that what it would like more than anything right now was a hug.

I pondered that for a moment while Colin and I sat awkwardly in silence. In a few seconds I realised that the awkward silence wasn't awkward at all. In fact, I felt completely safe to sit there and cry. And, I felt completely OK that we hadn't even mentioned work, and that instead, I had basically sat down at what had been planned as a mentoring session and started sobbing.

A tiny seed inside of me whooped with glee. The other part of me (that was still crying) plucked up the courage to ask Colin if I could have a hug. At first he didn't hear me (he probably couldn't understand what I was saying through all the sniffling). So I asked again.

"Can I please have a hug."

In less than a second, Colin was there, allowing me to be vulnerable in the open air, at a cafe – in broad daylight! OMG! My inner voice – that would have brayed at being such a wreck in public – was knocked into a coma while the part of me that had been seeking a breakthrough, was simultaneously set free.

Deep within me I recognised that this was something I had never done before. I have never publicly allowed myself to do what I did today, which was:

a) Cry in public without running to the bathroom to hide
b) Ask someone I don't know very well for a hug
c) Not care that people could see me crying and looking ugly
d) Be happy that I had allowed myself to publicly lose my sh*t
e) Feel OK about returning to that cafe without having to think about wearing a wig to disguise myself (Oh look, she's the one who cried…)

This really was a breakthrough. And it had nothing to do with me ticking boxes on a business plan.

Once I managed to compose myself, Colin and I sat back down and he very lovingly asked me were I was now at. After bumbling and fluffing a little, I told him that it had been a really long time since I'd had a hug. More tears ensued.

Having gone into vulnerability mode and realising it was safe, I felt ready to admit what I had concluded from our meeting. "You know what Colin," I said. "What I have come to realise is that through the process of starting up a set of business streams I firmly believe that I have the skills, the drive and the ambition to make a success of whatever I choose to do. But what I now understand is that what I would really like, is to have someone to share those experiences with."

Gulp.

"I want to be in a relationship."

And there it was – The Truth. The words I had been holding under water were suddenly set free and with them came another river of tears.

The very thing I had been resisting had forced its way to the surface and broken the banks. The emotion I had felt coming to the meeting was nothing to do with my menstrual cycle. My hormonal spin had simply been the trigger for something I'd been holding in for years. Probably since my last long-term relationship which ended more than three years ago.

Finally, I had allowed myself to admit that I am lonely. I finally recognised that I love what I do and I have the courage and tenacity to make my business a success, but deeper than that is a primal desire to share my life with someone on an intimate level. To have someone hold my hand through the hard times and give me a hug when I feel sad. And, equally, to have someone to high five the happy times with. With someone by my side, the hard times might not feel so hard and the good times might seem even better. Wow, that's definitely what I want and yet I hadn't been able to admit that even to myself!

For so long I've been coping with everything on my own, but now, thanks to setting up three new business streams and following the processes in Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing, I seemingly have a much more intimate and emotional desire to fulfill.

For me, the business of setting up in business has not only led me to financial breakthroughs and new business behaviours, but ultimately it has helped me realise that life, be it brimming with gold, or as black as coal, means nothing if we don't have someone to share it with.

And so with that, I now set myself free to find love. I now give myself permission to be vulnerable on an intimate level with a kind and loving man who is looking for someone to share his life with. How I'll find or attract that man is anyone's guess. And until that happens I'll continue trucking along and ticking boxes.

But secretly, I now know that setting up in business isn't necessarily about business at all. Because deeper than my desire to succeed or be wealthy lies a far greater desire to Love and be Loved.

Just as The Beatles sang all those years ago, turns out: Love is all you need.

It's Time To Shine

Ok, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here so stay with me.

I don't usually tune in to The Biggest Loser but tonight I felt compelled to watch it. Far from seeing it as an opportunity for Channel 10 to make money out of people's shortcomings it actually touched something deep inside me that has got me thinking: I really relate to the losers.

Harsh I know, but it's the reality.

I'm currently watching a parent/child team battle with their personal trainers. For the sake of "good" TV the show is focusing on a verbal altercation between the trainers and two of the contestants. But what I can see is that the only battle that's really going on is an internal one within each of the overweight contenders.

And that's what I'm talking about.

There comes a time (or not) when we are forced to come clean, where any old behaviours that no longer serve us are brought to the surface and there's no running away any more. Of course there is always the choice to run away and continue the old behaviour, but if you make a choice to go on TV, or to write a blog about becoming a millionaire (for example), sooner or later the truth will reveal itself.

For me it's related to my current financial situation.

What's slowly dawning on me is that the reason my financial situation is the way it is (e.g. dire) is not because I don't have the ability to earn a good salary and it's certainly not because I lack the skills to be a great editor, writer or healer. It goes much, much deeper than that.

Somewhere in me I am terrified to succeed. I have an immense inner fear that does not want me to shine and its keeping my finances skinny, which you could say is my version of being fat. For what it's worth, my unconscious self has done an incredible job at keeping the glean off my bank account. And I thank it for that, because ultimately I know I can rely on my inner self to stick to whatever rules I set. But knowing that, I also now know its time to hit the reset button.

First off, like the Biggest Losers it's rarely just the eating habits that are the problem. What lies beneath any addiction or unwanted behaviour is a desire to remain safe. For most of us our version of safe will be whatever we were presented with in our formative years. And that's where a lot of our issues seem ridiculous, especially when we have the adult logic that tells us what we're doing is dumb. What seemed safe as a child can seem warped as an adult. But the thing is, unless you have made a specific effort to uncover what safe means to you, you could find a number of things that don't make sense in your life such as 1) you're fat and don't know why, or 2) you're prone to struggling with money even though your resume says you should be earning a six figure salary.

To put that in simple terms: if being safe as a child meant keeping your mum happy and that meant eating all your dinner; then you might find that as an adult, you overeat. Or, if staying safe meant keeping the peace with your siblings so that you didn't get told off, you might find that as an adult you find it difficult to speak your truth. It's all down to mental conditioning. In my opinion, most of the issues we struggle with as adults have their seed in something that occurred when we were children. And that's not to say our parents are "to blame." No such deal. We're all doing the best we can with the resources we have; but the law of nature says that every cause has an effect. It doesn't however specify that the effect will be the most useful to you when you grow up.

When it comes to creating a new business idea or following up on a romantic lead, I'll be straight with you, I can chase a dream like the best of them. But when the idea begins to take shape, my reaction is often to bolt. Not because I'm scared (well, maybe) but mostly because I don't know how to step into my power and shine. Because the truth is, I never have.

Which prompts me to search back to my childhood for a hint of where this all started…

My situation is this: I want to become a successful blogger and earn a million dollars through a series of income streams. When I consider the possibility of that I have absolute faith that it's within my realm of potential. But my reality is showing me that I must also be holding a deeper and more powerful belief: one that says it's not OK for me to have the success that I simultaneously believe I can achieve, and that I also believe I deserve.

As I write this I can feel a deep seated anger rising from my root chakra. I'm calling it the root chakra but if I'm going to be completely honest it's actually emanating from my genitals.

And I think I know why.

OK, I'm about to reveal something very, very personal and it certainly wasn't where I thought this blog was going, but somehow I've arrived at this space and I feel right about telling the truth.

When I was four years old I was sexually abused by a friend. For years I wrote it off as just two kids playing around. But I always knew that what happened was wrong. As my friend played her new "game" with me she told me that she had learned the game from her dad. So by default I came to understand that my friend was being sexually abused by her dad. And it stank.

Consider that I was four years old so my wisdom and general understanding of the world was limited. But even at that age I knew what my friend was doing to me was wrong. And I also knew that it was more wrong that her dad was playing the same game with her. My friend was three and a half.

Depending on your beliefs you might now be sighing and tutting, writing my story off as an elaboration of two kids playing innocently. But let me tell you, there was nothing innocent about what was going on. This was not two kids exploring each others bodies with interest and a sense of adventure. This was a three year old girl who had learned about sex from her dad and was "teaching" her best friend all about it.

The situation was sordid and revolting and it deeply implanted the idea in me that men are only interested in women for sex. What I learned about my friend's dad left me suspicious and afraid. This same man used to spy on my friend and I when we were playing at her house. I can clearly remember us both hiding behind her sofa because her dad was peeping at us through the window as we changed into our swimsuits. Remember, I was four when this occurred so I didn't have the knowledge to understand the whys and what fors, all I "knew" was that men could not be trusted and that it was safest if I remained unseen.

Bringing this back to my finances may not seem obvious, but I feel the two situations are related for the following reason: I believe that I unwittingly sabotage my potential in order to remain "safe" which is basically remaining unseen and unheard.

Adding weight to this belief is the fact that my dad used to say shush whenever I was showing off or "performing", which compounded my already warped beliefs that I must not be seen; adding the "knowledge" that it is generally not "safe" to Be Me.

The result? A highly capable girl who was terrified of shining because she believed it would either lead to sexual abuse from men or lack of approval from her father.

And there dear Watson lies the answer.

Way back in my psyche two situations have become moulded into an emotionally charged "understanding" that it is not safe for me to Shine.

I guess it's time to set that one free.

How I'll do that I have no idea. For now I'm happy to have made the connection and written about it. Like I've said before, publicising my thoughts through this blog has somehow, so far, led to incredible breakthroughs for me. So for tonight, I'm going to leave this realisation in the hands of the Universe and trust that overnight, my conscious mind and my unconscious mind will have a get together and come up with an answer that will probably be relayed to me during my next meditation.

Until then, I thank you for reading and I thank you for coming on this journey with me. As you can see, I'm really holding nothing back here. Not because I want to shock you or expose myself, but simply and purely because I am ready to breakthrough to a new level and for the most part I feel like this is the only avenue I haven't walked down before.

Just like the people who volunteer to lose weight under the public eye on the Biggest Loser, I'm finally ready to strip away the bad habits that have been holding me back. I don't know what all of them are yet, and, unlike the Biggest Losers I don't have a trainer on my case every day to push me. For the most part, I'm doing this myself. But just as the overweight contestants are discovering, when you do peel back the layers you find a svelte and far more attractive being that you had forgotten was ever there. Your eyes sparkle more and your skin glows with good health. Generally speaking, you feel good.

You could say that once we get to the root of our problems, whether that be an addiction to food, childhood abuse or any other form of psychological imbalance, and we get to the point where we can peel away the fat, the hurt or the misunderstanding, there's really only ever one thing left to do.

And that my dear Watson would be To Shine.

So, will uncovering my story help me get back on track financially?

Well, you'll have to let me get back to you on that one…