Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Get Real

Yesterday I was privileged to see Esther Hicks channeling Abraham at a Hay House event in Sydney. The entire talk was about the Law of Attraction and how to manifest your dreams. It was right up my alley and despite claiming to practice the LOA I still struggle. Yes, yes, the law of attraction… you think something, the Universe sends it to you and you become rich and famous or find the partner of your dreams in an instant.

Except it never actually happens like that does it.

Or does it?

Tonight, I held my first Love Circle workshop at a new location (other than at my house which is where I've held the last 4, bar one at my neighbour's place). It was a fantastic evening filled with joy and love and beautiful yogic chanting and meditation.

Did I mention that I was the only attendee? Ahem, yes, The Love Circle was a 'flop'. So if the law of attraction is true then I must have attracted no customers right?

Spot on baby!

You might wonder why I feel elated about the fact I was the only one there as opposed to upset that nobody got to hear my message? Well, I still managed to have an amazing time for two reasons:

1. I got to sing some of my favourite mantras in a beautiful room, lit by candlelight with a gorgeous acoustic that made my voice sound angelic.
2. I realised that I must have manifested the exact experience I asked for which means I am finally getting this law of attraction thing! Yay!

In an attempt to explain, I'll tell you my story about tonight…

So, I started the Love Circle last December. One person came to the first session. I had a good feeling about TLC but all I was really ready for was one guest, hence only one person came. Great. The Universe always sends us whatever we ask for, we just get confused as to what we think we asked for and what we really asked for.

The following three sessions had between 4 and 5 attendees (including me) and were a great success in terms of numbers, as well as the fact everyone felt great at the end of the evening. Again, great. Every time I have manifested exactly what I was ready for. In my mind I could clearly see how the TLC was going to grow and slowly it will, but only when I am truly ready on all levels.

On the one hand I have an inner knowing that The Love Circle has great potential – that notion comes from my tapping in to Source and presents itself to me as an intuitive feeling. I just know. However, closer to the surface is my belief that I'm not ready to go out there and help my local community feel better about themselves. Who am I to do such a thing? I'm comfortable working with a few close friends but as soon as I dive into the great wide world, I fall flat on my face.

This is the strange dichotomy of life, right? We think we are in line with our higher self and can see, feel and taste how bright the future is. But right when the curtain is about to be drawn – revealing a theatre full of expectant faces smiling and cheering for us on the other side – we step onto a concealed trap door that someone (us) hasn't shut properly and fall face first onto the crash mat below the stage.


Red faced and confused (because surely we didn't leave that trap door unhinged?) we dust ourselves off and spend the next few days/weeks/years falling into the exact same hole. And, all the time we do this we are convinced we're asking the Universe for what we want!! Hilarious!

This is what I realised tonight at the Love Circle. It became as clear as daylight that I Asked For This. Because I'm Not Ready. Well, according to Abraham/Esther Hicks a better way to phrase that would be to say something like: "I am delighted to have regular opportunities to understand more about life and how to tap into Divine Source and become the creator of a bright new reality."

Still not with me? I'll go on…

There is one surefire way to know if the Universe is sending you what you asked for: look at your life. What is in your reality right now? Are you in a loving relationship (not me), are you earning the money you know you deserve and have the skills to earn (nope), do you live in the house or apartment that you dream of (nada), and is your life everything you ever hoped it would be (sometimes).

Yep, just as I thought.

If for example the things I think I want are: a loving relationship; a fantastic income that mirrors the great work I do; a beautiful seafront home; and a life that is a never-ending party of love and joy, but, if I don't have those things, there is only one reason why not. I must unconsciously be asking the Universe for something else.

After tonight's Love Circle I made a list that reflected where my life is at. Suffice to say, it didn't match the list above. It read more like a comedy sketch where the lead character is so deluded they think they are asking for a million dollars when in reality they have a sign stuck to their back that says "kick me".

If it wasn't for tonight's "no-show" experience I would still be walking around with that sticker on my back, oblivious to the fact the Universe is "kicking me" because I am unconsciously asking for it. I can now see exactly what I really am asking for and I fully intend to turn those thoughts around until every atom of my Being is in alignment with what I actually want.

I know this may sound convoluted so here's a summary. To put it simply, the way to get the Universe to answer your prayers and give you what you truly want is to identify if you have unwittingly stuck a Post-it note in your mind that is asking for the opposite to what you think you want. And if you are, that's OK. The great thing about Post-it notes is you can  easily unstick them. Look around at your life and assess which areas are not matching your greatest desires. When you see what they are, thank them for being there and make a conscious effort to think about the thing you actually want on a daily basis. Feel what it feels like to be, do or have that new thing.

Then let it go.

In my experience, identifying our "flaws" is about 50% of the way towards whatever it is we desire. The second half is realised when we "action" through conscious thoughts or taking action toward our goal. But as Abraham/Esther says it is our thoughts and feelings which manifest our dreams not our actions. So once you have identified any discord between what you want and where you're at, consciously think about what you want and leave the rest to the Universe.

Oh, and if after assessing your life and noticing that you don't have all the things you desire yet are still convinced you are asking the Universe for what you want. I have two words for you:

Get. Real.

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

Loving the Fear (Not)

I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm having an off day. I'm feeling less 'Love. This. Life' and more 'F*ck. This. Life'.

I'm p*ssed.

Well, maybe I'm not really angry, maybe I'm more afraid…

Honestly? I'm terrified.

You know, tears and vulnerability have never been my strong point. I'm far more likely to scream and get angry than to start crying or ask for help, and today my body is screaming to Let. It. Go.

But. I. Don't. Want. To.

I'm holding on to so much fear right now that I can actually feel it. It's a twisted feeling that emanates from my upper and lower chest and circles from right to left, then spirals inward until I'm almost overcome with pain. As my chest aches I notice that the same grabbing sensation is travelling from my mid-chest down through my abdomen landing somewhere around my Jenny Taylor.

If you've ever had a broken heart, it feels exactly like that.

It hurts.

You may be wondering why I have these feelings. Did I get dumped by the man of my dreams? Did one of my parents just die? Did I lose my home in a bush fire?


The reason I'm so full of fear is due to The Love Circle. Yeah, I know, the irony isn't lost on me either. The Love Circle is a meditation/inspirational get together that I started hosting at the end of last year. It was part of an idea that I hoped would eventually work towards me running inspirational workshops. It's filled with love and has attracted the most beautiful and loving people I know. The next Love Circle is tonight and yet, instead of bouncing with glee as I was with the first three, today I'm gripped with fear and stumbling around inside my own body trying to find a way out.

Looking for a way out of The Love Circle…?

Yip. (I guess I need to fill you in).

So, when I had the idea to start TLC (oh wow, I didn't realise that was the acronym of The Love Circle till just now – cool!) Ahem… When I planned TLC, I had no idea what it would become or whether it would ever be anything other than a small get together in my flat. Due to how the group felt after the sessions, we decided to hold it fortnightly. (I had planned on it being monthly). This increased frequency led to a conversation with my flatmate and a realisation that I needed to find somewhere else to hold TLC. It wasn't fair for me to oust my flatmate every second Tuesday and things moved on from there.

There's more to the story than that but the important part is this: The Love Circle is growing and I am terrified that I have made a mistake in starting it. I'm terrified that I'm not qualified to run an inspirational evening that increases people's joy and self-awareness. I'm petrified that people will find out I am just the same as them: petty, incapable, afraid, imperfect etc. All these thoughts have surfaced thanks to TLC and the crazy part is, I never saw them coming.

It sounds counter intuitive that starting a group to bring more love into the world would bring up these fears, but the more I look, the more obvious it is becoming.

At the weekend I watched part of The Moses Code which is a movie similar to The Secret and includes interviews with visionaries and authors such as Debbie Ford, Neale Donald Walsch and Michael Beckwith (among others). Debbie Ford (who passed away this February, RIP) made a really interesting comment that resonated with me. She described how when she had declared she wanted to become an inspirational speaker, her sister had asked her how she was going to do that being that she is angry and bitchy and has a whole bunch of other 'negative' qualities.

Good point.

Turns out, Ford, Beckwith and probably the entire cast had shared similar thoughts and fears about themselves. The very act of publicly wanting to help others had sent them on an incredible path of self discovery that they would never have come to had they not taken that first fearful step. Ford explained how she was forced to look at her shadow side – the side of herself that she was avoiding and ignoring because it wasn't 'perfect'. "Sometimes I'm a bitch," she said. Gasp! But she's a global inspiration!

Beckwith answered from a more global perspective saying that being called to follow our mission is part of the mission. We will never be where we think we should be until the mission is accomplished. That's the whole point.


As I ponder this I am realising that's where my fear is coming from. I'm afraid that I'm not up to the job, yet I can't imagine doing anything other than this. And I'm not just talking about The Love Circle either. If you've been following my blogs you'll know I've set up a publishing consultancy (now called Lemondrop Publishing), and I'm writing this blog. In all three areas I am pushing myself beyond my current capability in order to grow. But it's tough. And for the past three days I've been wondering if I can cope with so many challenges despite them being self imposed.

But as I write this I'm answering my own dilemma because I guess I don't have to already Be There. I can figure it out as I go. I can allow myself to stuff things up and get it wrong and let that be part of the process. It's pretty much guaranteed I'll learn the lesson at some point, I mean, that's what I do. I turn myself inside out on a daily basis and do whatever I can to catch any lies or illusions that I'm holding onto. Once I catch them I don't hide them away in a basket, (that would be too easy) I write about them on a blog that is read by over 1400 people! Self-aware? Definitely. Insane? Possibly.

So I think it's fair to say, if I am making mistakes and feel fear about being phoney or sometimes act like a snippy little b*tch, I'll probably eventually work through it so it's really OK.


Maybe feeling fear is just part of my journey. Truth is, I've never been one to sit in class and learn, I've always had to take matters into my own hands before I truly understand. The consequences of this are that I continually burn my philosophical fingers, I'm forever breaking hearts (usually my own), and rarely a day goes by when I don't stub my self-awareness toe or shed a snakeskin of self-deceit. But I've never (until now) said that's OK. I've constantly reprimanded myself and harboured guilt and shame for being imperfect.

Which, when I look at it like that is something that could do with being changed. Especially if I really do want to set a good example of how to live with more joy. Maybe this fear is just an accumulation of all the times I've not allowed myself to be perfect in my imperfection. And now that I'm putting myself out there in a bigger (albeit still small) way, some of my old imperfections are seeping out and want to be transformed into greater awareness and increased self acceptance. Which is kinda like saying More Love!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm suddenly feeling much better!

I started writing this blog because I didn't know what else to do. I was filled with fear and it was surging through my body and causing me physical pain. My first response was to meditate and that led me to writing. Thankfully I have this amazing avenue that allows me to share my deepest darkest feelings. This blog is where I reinvent my shame and imperfections and turn them into gifts. Opening myself up like this is extremely therapeutic for me.

So with that, I thank you for listening/reading and I hope that as I give myself a break from having to be perfect and allow myself to Be Me, that you'll give yourself permission to do the same.

Fear? Bring It!