Wednesday, 29 May 2013

Gone Fishing…

So the dating game continues, only this time it involves a hook, a line, and a sinker.

Last week as I conversed back and forth with Mr RSVP I was so happy to have "met" someone who I found interesting. (If you missed my last blog you can catch up by reading Butterflies, Intimacy and a White Picket Fence).

That lovely feeling of receiving a ping in your inbox (so to speak) and a new message from someone you like is really uplifting. Even better, these weren't the standard emails I've received from previous cyber-suitors. These were colourful, engaging and lengthy messages. Amazing! A man who can communicate openly and freely and who by his own admission has "stars in his eyes." A romantic dreamer who likes to "talk".

Where do I sign…?

However, after a week of "love, life and butterflies" it has suddenly turned silent.

Yeah, in a "Gone Fishing" kinda way.

I should mention that Mr RSVP's last message to me did say that he was maybe planning a fishing trip this week, so it's possible that he actually has gone fishing. However, what I want to share in this blog is my reaction to his lack of communication.

When I didn't hear back from Mr R after two days, what became clear to me is that I had an attachment to the situation. Not to a specific outcome but an attachment to the idea that if I send someone I like an email, then I expect a reply. The hypocritical aspect to this is that I am sometimes guilty of not replying to people's emails for days (weeks even!). Usually because I've opened their message late at night on my iPhone and consider that I'll reply in the morning when I'm back at my Mac.

But what usually happens in those instances is that I answer their email or iMessage in my head and never actually send a physical follow up until it dawns on me that I totally forgot! So, just like Mr R I'm often the one that's Gone Fishing without leaving a sign on the door.

However, that never happens when I'm romantically interested in them…

It would be easy for me to feel rejected by Mr R's lack of communication, but surprisingly I don't. If this had happened a year or two ago I'm pretty sure my default setting would have been He Doesn't Like Me with one of those sad faces embedded at the end of the sentence.

I will admit that I was looking forward to reading his response (his emails are well written and are a joy to read). But the thing about this situation is that his "rejection" is allowing me to witness my own increased sense of Self Worth.

Yes, I am disappointed that he hasn't responded, and part of me wonders if I gave too much away (I did end up sending him the link to my last blog). Maybe my friend who I mentioned in If The Shoe Fits is right? Maybe I am a bit too much? Or maybe Mr R really did just go fishing?

Whatever the reason for his zero response, I still feel good about myself.

Ding Dong!

In fact every time I meditate at the moment, I hear the word "Trust". It's an incredible feeling to recognise that my happiness doesn't depend so much on the actions of other people any more. (Even if they are handsome and interesting). I have a far greater belief in the Universe and allowing whatever will be to just be.

Even more enriching is the fact that I have managed to stay true to my heart. Rather than feel rejected and deflated I simply followed up with a message to let Mr RSVP know that I had sent him a private email that may have ended up in his spam box. (Yes, I have seen He's Just Not That Into You…) Once I felt happy that I had fully expressed myself I Let It Go.

My purpose these days is to communicate from the heart, and if that's off-putting or too much for someone, then that's OK. I have no control over what someone else hears or understands, only what I say.

As I learned in India, the notion of attachment is one of the main things that leads to unhappiness. That and expectation: the two of which – in my mind – are closely linked. We become attached to an idea and expect a certain outcome. I liken it to an emotional A&E department. Attachment and Expectation or Accident and Emergency. Same, same.

Unconscious attachment is a difficult thing to let go of, (we're human, it's part and parcel), and from what I am coming to understand it has multiple layers. The top layer is the hope that you will receive what you wish for (an email reply). The middle layer is the idea that if you don't receive what you wish for that you are not worthy of that wish (He Doesn't Like Me). And right at the bottom lies the notion that your happiness is reliant upon how others respond in general to you (Nobody Wants Me), or how general situations turn out (Life Is Terrible).

I guess you could call these layers the hook, line and sinking feeling that we have when we are attached to people and things. But the great news is, that even when you still have a few hooks in your pocket (I will still be pleased if he sends me a message), it is possible to see that when you are hungry and would do anything to land a catch, it's also possible to be happy just sitting in the boat and watching the fish as they swim by.

And not that I'm an expert because this is ALL so new to me, but maybe by relaxing and focusing on the reflection of the sun on the water instead, it's possible that a fish might somehow find a way into your boat without your even casting a line. Or maybe I'm being ridiculously optimistic?

I guess what I'm saying is that as well as there being plenty of fish in the sea, and many ways to catch them, there is also a forest of fruits, nuts and berries to be eaten.

Only thing is, you can't pick fruit when you're hellbent on catching fish.

PS Wanna know the truth? I'm gutted : (

Like a fish! ; )

Friday, 24 May 2013

Butterflies, Intimacy and A White Picket Fence

So, let's talk about the law of attraction for a minute.

In my last blog If The Shoe Fits I mentioned in passing that it would be nice to meet someone who was 6ft, brown eyes, liked to surf and a total hunk. I passed it off as something I wasn't really bothered about and put it in the "would be nice" category.

Turns out, guys like that actually exist.

The very next day I was contacted by a guy on RSVP who pretty much fits that description (I hope he's not subscribed to this blog because I'm revealing some stuff here that he doesn't know yet…)

Anyway, that's not the main part of this blog. I'm getting to the point so stay with me… just had to paint the backdrop if you like. So, this dude contacts me and I am immediately attracted to him; both aesthetically and from what he's said in his profile. He sounds interesting. Hmm.

Ironically he doesn't live in Sydney (where I'm based), and he actually doesn't even live in NSW. Hmm again.

The fact he lives in a different time zone actually doesn't bother me, I'm more interested in finding a soul mate than a flatmate-with-benefits and if anything is meant to be then I'm of the thinking that the Universe will sort out all the finer details.

But let's not rush ahead, I haven't even spoken to this guy yet, we're only at the email stage. Which leads me to the point of this blog.

The last message I received from Mr RSVP stopped me in my tracks. So far we've exchanged emails roughly once a day (for less than a week) and already I know more about him than I do about some of the people I've shared flats with. He's an open book and has led a very interesting life. I won't lie: he intrigues me on many levels. He seems to have his sh*t together, knows how to hold a conversation and has got a way with words that so far, I like.

And then yesterday, he popped the question.

Not that question but one that sent me into a slow spin and left me lying on the couch asking myself if I could actually answer him honestly.

I'd mentioned in a carefree, passing remark kinda way (or so I thought) that I had left my last relationship because I wanted more freedom. Not surprisingly, he picked up on the fact that maybe there was more to this than I was letting on. I'd also (in a what's-the-weather-like type of deal) mentioned my dislike of white picket fences and being packaged into conventional boxes. From what I know of this guy I figured he'd be cool with that and we'd swiftly move on to other, equally lighthearted topics.

Seems not.

I'm not saying he wasn't cool about it, I'm saying I didn't realise what I was really saying. So when his return email included a question about what I do I really want for the future I was surprised. I felt like we had moved into serious territory too quickly and my inner child – who was putting her shoes on to go outside and chase butterflies – started crying.

Yes, really.

I felt like I'd been robbed of the chance to show this guy how funny and witty I can be because here he was delving into the real reason anyone is on RSVP, and all I could do was faint. He got me thinking. What the hell am I doing on RSVP? What do I really want from a relationship? Am I still hellbent on holding onto my freedom or am I serious about meeting someone and going for it, whatever that may look like?

Good lord, I didn't know where to turn, suddenly I had nowhere to run. Someone (a stranger!) had tapped into a part of me that I hadn't had the courage or foresight to delve into on my own. Mr RSVP had handed me a set of keys and one of them could potentially help to unlock my heart.


I pretty much spent all evening asking myself the question: What do I want? And here's what I came up with…

1. I want to reach a level of intimacy with someone that I have never reached before
2. I want to be free to Be Me
3. I want to feel safe to share my hopes and dreams and be supported and encouraged to express myself

And that's kind of it.

The question Mr RSVP posed was basically do I still want to be Free and what does that mean to me? When I broke it down, I realised that rather than me not wanting a conventional life where I get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home and sleep, I'd happily live within the confines of a white picket fence just as long as I can talk openly with my partner, feel safe to express how I feel and know that the other person is as committed to me as I am to them. For me, intimacy follows vulnerability so feeling safe to be who I am will inevitably lead to greater intimacy. At least that's how I see it.

As for the white picket fence (that I often refer to when I think about what I don't want), it's not really the issue at all. I came to the conclusion that I would quite happily live a more mainstream existence (on the outside) as long as on the inside I felt safe and loved. And that will only come by me being completely open and honest with myself.

Part of that honesty would probably involve me needing to paint one or two fence posts with silver paint and glitter (just to feed my inner fairy), but I realise now that that's OK. For the past 3 or so years I have been less focused on what I want and more focused on what I don't want. (Law of attraction anyone…?). But now, thanks to a random online-dating-site stranger, I have gained some more clarity. Amazing!

All I have to do now is email Mr RSVP back with an answer…

I suppose I could just send him a link to this blog, but I don't think I'm game for that. But I will thank him for being open and honest and allowing me to find the keys to a door that has been closed and guarded for a very long time.

And who knows, maybe those keys will also open the door to a whole new beginning (not necessarily involving him, but who knows) that may one day lead to me having the things I truly want.

Which is essentially allowing myself the Freedom To Be Me.

Here's hoping…

Sunday, 19 May 2013

If The Shoe Fits

So, it's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in bed with my laptop on my knees because I have a work assignment that is due tomorrow. Perfect time for writing a blog then…

I recently realised (and subsequently revealed in my blog Little Miss Perfect) that I want to share my life with someone. To be in a relationship. After writing that blog I signed up to RSVP (an online dating site). I've been on there before and I've met some nice guys and others who bored me. (Mostly the latter). This time doesn't seem to be any different.

I guess this sounds like I'm dissing the calibre of Sydney men but actually I think it might be the opposite.

Yup. I think actually, it might Be Me…?

I would definitely say that I'm fussy when it comes to men. Not so much in a he-must-be-athletic-six-foot-brown-eyes-be-able-to-surf-and-be-a-total-hunk (although that would be nice), but more in a his-vibe-must-match-mind kinda way. And what I'm beginning to realise is that my vibe might be less matchable than most.

Don't judge me for stating the obvious, but doesn't that sound like a fantastic limiting belief that will keep me single!

Yup, you might already be hearing what I am realising. That perhaps I think I'm a bit more "special" than I really am. On one hand I'm the eternal philosopher and analyst, the one who refuses to follow a conventional path and pushes the personal development boundaries to a point where the notion of finding a man – that I am attracted to and who is willing to take me on – seems less likely than finding a Miss Universe with a degree.

(BTW I don't have a degree so that's less of a dig and more a line for comedy purposes).

But on the other hand, I'm just your average girl. Scared, afraid, OK at cooking (although I don't really do it any more), and hoping to marry one day. Pretty standard stuff, right?

I think I have tickets on myself that I have unconsciously added a disclaimer to that says "not redeemable by anyone in this lifetime". I mean, who do I think I am saying most of the guys I meet online are boring? Well, that exact question is my entire quandary, right there in a nutshell. Who do I think I am?

Last year a guy friend of mine told me I was intimidating to men. His reasons were because I'm confident, know what I want and I am reasonably attractive. Right… well that makes sense then. So all I have to do is punch myself in the face, pretend to be a loser and get lost crossing the road?


I'll be honest, he's not the first and only guy who's said that to me. But the joke is, as well as being confident I'm also terrified of being vulnerable. In fact, the very trait of confidence stemmed from my lacking the ability to show my weaknesses – it is a coping mechanism that I adopted as a child because I was told/shown/modelled that being vulnerable is not OK.

Let me just say that although I will concede that I have great resilience and a firm sense of self which might be intimidating (to some), I do (occasionally) click with guys and have met numerous amazing men whose company I've found scintillating. Problem was – they weren't into me! Ha! The irony huh.

(In fact, the guy I mentioned above is one such example.)

Yeah, I know…

What I'm deciphering from all this is that whether I'm ready to meet someone or not, the fact of chemistry and divine timing are always present. And they are two things that I have an unshaking belief in. I have absolute faith that a Source greater than me exists and whichever path my life takes, that Divine energy has my best interest at heart. A friend of mine has a great saying which I recite often: "Rejection is God's protection." Amen to that girlfriend!

The idea of chemistry is an extension of my faith in God. I believe that we are each part of a Soul Group – a collection of people with a similar vibe that is felt when two or more people of the same come together. I mean, don't we all have this experience? You meet someone for the first time and feel as though you've known them for a lifetime? I get that a lot. Just not with the guys I meet on RSVP…

So, after my sobbing and weeping at a business meeting where I realised that what I want in life is to have all these amazing business experiences and someone to share them with, I'm also not in any rush. I'm happy where I am, (even when I'm crying at a business meeting!). I'm truly grateful to have a desire to meet a lovely guy, but equally happy to walk this path alone until I meet someone who really sparks my pilot light. If he looks anything like Keith Urban then happy days, but even if he's got a funny nose and a bit of a tummy I don't really care. All I really want is that chemistry and a message from my Soul that this guy is as into me as I am to him.

Searching for love is easy. It's finding the shoe that fits that can be hard.

And I do have very small feet…

Wednesday, 1 May 2013

Shooting For Gold

Today is exactly seven months since I began this blog. The purpose was to follow the processes in Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing, and see if I could go from being $12k in debt to becoming a millionaire blogger.

The journey gets more interesting every day…

Whether you've read one, some, or all my blogs you'll probably have a sense that I go pretty deep. And that launching a business has actually been a path of immense self-discovery for me. In that process I have revealed sides of myself that had been hidden under a blanket of shame or a coat of grief and/or anger.

There's been more than one day when I've pondered as to why I'm putting myself through all this. Why wouldn't I just throw in the self-help towel and go and get a job like a normal person?

Um… maybe because I'm not 'a normal person'…?

I can totally understand why the majority of the population prefer not to delve into their psyche and instead, choose to carry on with day-to-day stuff and strife, and leave the idea of personal development to 'new age hippies' like me. Digging up this amount of dirt is painful and leaves you with a sore back. It's no bed of roses.

Until it is.

Someone said to me recently that they felt the self development movement was huge and that I'm not in such a minority as I believe. I have one response to that: Hay House (which is the largest self-help book publishing company in the world), regularly hold events at various global locations. They can draw crowds of three or so thousand in Sydney alone. But let's look at what else is going on. Such as the footy. AFL crowds are in the tens of thousands on a weekly basis, for months, in Melbourne, Sydney and Adelaide simultaneously.

That's tens of thousands weekly versus three thousand a few times a year. For me that sums it up. Generally speaking, we prefer watching men kick a ball around than learning techniques that can change our lives for the better.

I'm not saying going to the footy can't change your life in a good way; it's great fun and it's a wonderful environment for friends and families to come together and unite. But going deep into who we are and understanding what drives us is not on most people's agenda. And I'm not surprised, because rather than the tens of thousands who go the footy to watch; the 20 or so blokes who go through the gruelling physical training sessions know that the hard work is done on the pitch, not from a seat in the stadium.

It's the same with anything, we can spectate and speculate on the world around us, or we can take part. One is much easier than the other, but the level of reward generally relates to the effort we put in. It's a choice.

Having just kicked a few balls from my unconscious and landing them on the playing field of my conscious mind, I definitely understand the need for a post-match ice bath and a massage. I feel as though I have spent a lifetime chasing the pain from my past, and can totally relate to why these sport stars earn the money they do. It's not easy! The great thing is, having spent all this time training hard, I have created opportunities to kick some of the best shots I could have hoped for. In doing so, I reckon have scored the goal of a lifetime.

The golden cup I just won is self-love, self-esteem and a deep knowing that nobody can ever knock me over without my consent ever again.

In practical terms, when I began this blog I was a spectator in Jacqueline's book. I was touched and moved by what she had written and I chose to write this blog alongside her writing her book. I was a bit like a sports journo I guess. I was more involved than a regular spectator because I was 'interviewing' the celebrity so to speak. But I wasn't running a half marathon in 90 minutes on the pitch. I was still in the comfortable zone of interpreting what was going on albeit with a seat in the VIP box. It was pretty good.

But earlier this week, something shifted.

One of the goals I'd set with my business mentor was to find someone to co-author a book with by the end of June. As a book editor I know quite a few authors and there were a number of them who I could have approached. But the team I really wanted to be on was Jacqueline Harrison's.

Jacqueline has colours that I want to wear. That I've always wanted to wear. Her colours are the stripes that stand for Success, Integrity, Resilience and Absolute Self-Expression. In a word, she is a person I aspire to be like. Yes, I thought, if this was the FA Cup she's the team David Beckham's playing for.

And I want to learn how to kick the ball from an expert.

So, on Monday, I plucked up the courage and asked if she'd be open to talking about me coming on as a co-author of her book How To Create A Business From Nothing.

"Agreed," she said.

I don't even think a split second passed between my asking and her conceding.


I metaphorically just got a job playing for Man Utd with David Beckham as my coach and teammate. What will come of the book is in the hands of the Universe, but as with any team, there is a certain energy that comes with collaboration. And in my eyes, the very fact that I just got signed is as good as winning the medal itself.

I'm finally taking part.

Life has so many metaphors and sport is a good one because we can all relate to it. When we're born we are like a freshly laid cricket pitch. Lush and green, pure and perfect. But as the players (our life experience, thoughts and beliefs) run up and down, they churn up the soil allowing seeds that have been carried on the wind to implant themselves in the ground. Simultaneously the ball becomes worn down creating a spin that a new ball cannot achieve. The more usage (or life experience), the more the bowler can spin the results. But only if he can feel how the ball has changed, and knows the character of the player he's pitching against. All of this comes with practice and a commitment to being the best.

Some people, like Shane Warne have an innate ability to play their game well. But no matter what our genetic disposition, with hard work and tenacity any of us can score a win.

Just as with every sport, the game is not just about the players we see on the pitch (the conscious mind). There is the ground to tend to, there are the tools or equipment that we need to score the goal and in the background there is a coach. Winning takes a team. When it comes to the Self, the background players are all on the bench of the unconscious mind. It's up to us to call them out on the field.

If I have learned one thing it's that whatever form of playing field we choose to enjoy, the more time and effort we put into understanding the environment, the different types of soil and the weather conditions that affect our land, the more fantastic the results. So if it's a smooth run you're after or a healthy glowing inner self, just be sure to get up early, understand your game and tend to your weeds before they take over.

And if you're really up for it, stand back and stand tall and keep your eyes on the goal. And when you're ready, take a deep breath and shoot for the stars.