In my last blog If The Shoe Fits I mentioned in passing that it would be nice to meet someone who was 6ft, brown eyes, liked to surf and a total hunk. I passed it off as something I wasn't really bothered about and put it in the "would be nice" category.
Turns out, guys like that actually exist.
The very next day I was contacted by a guy on RSVP who pretty much fits that description (I hope he's not subscribed to this blog because I'm revealing some stuff here that he doesn't know yet…)
Anyway, that's not the main part of this blog. I'm getting to the point so stay with me… just had to paint the backdrop if you like. So, this dude contacts me and I am immediately attracted to him; both aesthetically and from what he's said in his profile. He sounds interesting. Hmm.
Ironically he doesn't live in Sydney (where I'm based), and he actually doesn't even live in NSW. Hmm again.
The fact he lives in a different time zone actually doesn't bother me, I'm more interested in finding a soul mate than a flatmate-with-benefits and if anything is meant to be then I'm of the thinking that the Universe will sort out all the finer details.
But let's not rush ahead, I haven't even spoken to this guy yet, we're only at the email stage. Which leads me to the point of this blog.
The last message I received from Mr RSVP stopped me in my tracks. So far we've exchanged emails roughly once a day (for less than a week) and already I know more about him than I do about some of the people I've shared flats with. He's an open book and has led a very interesting life. I won't lie: he intrigues me on many levels. He seems to have his sh*t together, knows how to hold a conversation and has got a way with words that so far, I like.
And then yesterday, he popped the question.
Not that question but one that sent me into a slow spin and left me lying on the couch asking myself if I could actually answer him honestly.
I'd mentioned in a carefree, passing remark kinda way (or so I thought) that I had left my last relationship because I wanted more freedom. Not surprisingly, he picked up on the fact that maybe there was more to this than I was letting on. I'd also (in a what's-the-weather-like type of deal) mentioned my dislike of white picket fences and being packaged into conventional boxes. From what I know of this guy I figured he'd be cool with that and we'd swiftly move on to other, equally lighthearted topics.
Seems not.
I'm not saying he wasn't cool about it, I'm saying I didn't realise what I was really saying. So when his return email included a question about what I do I really want for the future I was surprised. I felt like we had moved into serious territory too quickly and my inner child – who was putting her shoes on to go outside and chase butterflies – started crying.
Yes, really.
I felt like I'd been robbed of the chance to show this guy how funny and witty I can be because here he was delving into the real reason anyone is on RSVP, and all I could do was faint. He got me thinking. What the hell am I doing on RSVP? What do I really want from a relationship? Am I still hellbent on holding onto my freedom or am I serious about meeting someone and going for it, whatever that may look like?
Good lord, I didn't know where to turn, suddenly I had nowhere to run. Someone (a stranger!) had tapped into a part of me that I hadn't had the courage or foresight to delve into on my own. Mr RSVP had handed me a set of keys and one of them could potentially help to unlock my heart.
Yikes.
I pretty much spent all evening asking myself the question: What do I want? And here's what I came up with…
1. I want to reach a level of intimacy with someone that I have never reached before
2. I want to be free to Be Me
3. I want to feel safe to share my hopes and dreams and be supported and encouraged to express myself
And that's kind of it.
The question Mr RSVP posed was basically do I still want to be Free and what does that mean to me? When I broke it down, I realised that rather than me not wanting a conventional life where I get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home and sleep, I'd happily live within the confines of a white picket fence just as long as I can talk openly with my partner, feel safe to express how I feel and know that the other person is as committed to me as I am to them. For me, intimacy follows vulnerability so feeling safe to be who I am will inevitably lead to greater intimacy. At least that's how I see it.
As for the white picket fence (that I often refer to when I think about what I don't want), it's not really the issue at all. I came to the conclusion that I would quite happily live a more mainstream existence (on the outside) as long as on the inside I felt safe and loved. And that will only come by me being completely open and honest with myself.
Part of that honesty would probably involve me needing to paint one or two fence posts with silver paint and glitter (just to feed my inner fairy), but I realise now that that's OK. For the past 3 or so years I have been less focused on what I want and more focused on what I don't want. (Law of attraction anyone…?). But now, thanks to a random online-dating-site stranger, I have gained some more clarity. Amazing!
All I have to do now is email Mr RSVP back with an answer…
I suppose I could just send him a link to this blog, but I don't think I'm game for that. But I will thank him for being open and honest and allowing me to find the keys to a door that has been closed and guarded for a very long time.
And who knows, maybe those keys will also open the door to a whole new beginning (not necessarily involving him, but who knows) that may one day lead to me having the things I truly want.
Which is essentially allowing myself the Freedom To Be Me.
Here's hoping…
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