I am completely f*cked.
A couple months ago I waved goodbye to a 22 year career as a magazine writer and editor. I publicly announced it on Facebook because I absolutely knew that being a coach is my life's purpose and at the time, the money was rolling in, I had a healthy repertoire of clients and life was buzzing along.
The prior 6 months that I'd spent working with my own coach had lifted me to incredible new heights both work/money and love-wise. I was in a space I'd never been in before. So I did the obvious thing and hired my coach for another 6 months, then I joined a coaching group where more amazing lessons came thick and fast on a daily basis. And it was even more amazing!
But then, all of a sudden, the Shit Hit The Fan.
And not only did the shit hit the fan, but my emotional faeces sprayed long and wide and appears to be on a mission to take me down.
My insides feel like they're covered with shit. My belief system has turned into a sewerage pit, I can barely hold a cup with my right hand, my back feels like it might crumble if I make any sudden moves, and my bank account, well, that's the best part. I can't even pay my rent.
And why would I write about this you might ask? Because it's the truth. So, here goes…
If I were to look at my current situation in a linear way (what I call Mass Majority thinking), then I would seriously be fucked. The straight lines that our current operating system has been built on say that I should go get a job. That I should be more sensible. That I should spend less money on travel and save more for my future. That I should be married with kids. That I should swear less. That I should wear shoes. That I'm too old to sit on the floor, I should sit in a chair.
You get the picture.
But I'm not doing any of that. I live by my own rules. My mum says I'm the butterfly in the family (a nice way of saying I fly by the seat of my pants). But there are consequences of living this way and they are huge.
The consequences of living what I call a Curly Existence mean I don't have social norms to fall back on. I don't have a savings account or a day job to prop me up when life gets tough. When it rains, I get wet. When the money runs out, I don't eat. Or, I get creative.
Before I go completely off point here, what I'm trying to say is that what's really happening for me at the moment is Personal Growth.
And growth hurts.
In fact the more you grow and the quicker you grow the more it hurts. Think of a baby. We wonder why they're crying sometimes, but think about it, their bodies and awareness are growing rapidly every day. No wonder they bawl at "nothing", huh!
And that's where coaching comes in. At the point of growth.
Before I became a coach I thought coaching was about helping people feel better about their lives. I thought it was about motivating them to feel like they can reach their goals (even if they don't). And I thought Wow, I'll be really good at that, that's what I do anyway.
And that's absolutely where I started. Both as a coach and as a client of my coach. I felt all the nice stuff that was missing for me. More money, deeper love, being paid to support people and having someone who was there to support me no matter what.
But as I travelled deeper into my journey that path opened up so wide that I no longer had the right vehicle to go any further. My emotional capacity was no longer in alignment with where I am heading. My beliefs no longer held enough weight to keep me where I'd been for the past 44 years.
And so I needed to change. To grow.
But it fucking hurts.
There's a tendency for us to run away from pain. Who wants to feel pain? Makes perfect sense to shut that shit down, turn around and go back to the "safe zone". "Normality". What we already know.
But if you really want to change your life, then you gotta grow. And it will hurt. No exception.
Anyone who is truly committed to change will experience a version of what I'm going through. In order to break my old habits I gotta learn new ones. But until I learn them there's a transition. There's a whole lotta I Don't Knows to navigate.
And that's where many of us stop.
We're halted in our tracks when we get to I Don't Know. We want to hire a coach but we can't afford it. We want to find our soulmate but we don't want to open up first. We want more money but we're not willing to have less first.
But as long as we sit on the current side of change there's only one truth. We Don't Change.
Well, we do a bit, but ultimately, we become another member of the herd. Society says don't take risks, play it safe, save for a rainy day, play by the rules, do your homework…
But I say Fuck That.
Live Your Life. Take that risk. Spend that money. Make your own rules and never ever do your homework unless YOU want to.
If you do that you'll be scared sometimes. You'll have less money than you think you should sometimes. You'll have friends who will look at you like you're a lunatic sometimes.
But you'll be free. And on the other side of that pain you'll find a new life. A paradise that you can call your own. And your friends and colleagues will wish they had the freedom you'd created. Because as much as it can feel nice to have money, a wife or husband and a steady job, without the freedom to be yourself you have nothing.
All that other stuff can be taken away from you. At a moment's notice. And you might never see it coming.
As a coach, I work with people to find themselves. I no longer motivate people to feel good about themselves. I encourage them to feel their pain. I even take them there. I push my clients' buttons to the point that they say they hate me.
And I'm glad when they do.
Because it means they're really growing. When they give me that look that says "Really? You want me to tell you what I don't want you to know about me?" Then I know we're getting somewhere.
And the reason I know that is because that's my journey too. I don't have all the answers. I have no idea what it is you really want, and from what I see in my clients neither do they. But I do know that if you don't go to that dark and shitty place that you've been avoiding your whole life then you might have a nice life, (and I hope you will), but you'll never become the most brilliant version of you that you can really be.
Because there will always be a fear lurking in your unconscious that is urging you to shine. Or a fear that the money will run out, or your partner will run out.
Going to that new place is fucking hard and it fucking hurts, but on the other side of the pain is a life that shines brighter than any diamond. And that's where I'm heading. I'm done playing small. I'm done pretending to Be Me while I run a tape that says I can only do that for a while. Until the money runs out and I go back to a day job again.
But you know what, this time I'm sticking it out. This time I'm gonna step right into the septic tank and stick my face in it. I'm gonna ignore the "reality" and spread that shit all over my body. I'm gonna feel the pain. Inhale it. Smother myself in it until I stink.
Well, I don't know what then.
I've never done this before. I've always stopped at this point. The point where it gets sooooo tough and sooooo scary that I revert back to "reality".
But not any more. And never again. I don't know what's on the other side but I'm willing to find out. Because if I don't then I'll never know. Which means I'm buying into the story that I've been saying I don't agree with for my whole life.
So today I'm willing to hurt. I'm willing to Have No Idea what's on the other side. And I'm willing to take the biggest chance I've ever taken. To stay. To feel the pain that's taking over my body. To crack the "reality" that I've bought into even when it looked like I wasn't.
Are you willing to do that too?
If you are, then I'm here, not just as a coach, but as a fellow human being who's doing it too. I'll help you. I'll sit by you while you weep in fear at what's to come. I won't know the answers but I'll support you.
If you know deep down that there's a greater version of you that wants to be set free, then talk to me. Come show me your pain. I promise I won't judge. I'll simply guide you through it.
And I might not be the right coach for you. And coaching isn't the only answer. But choosing to stay the same is definitely not going to set you free. And knowing that it's scary and knowing you haven't been able to do it on your own, then think about it. Are you living your best life? Are you willing to move through I Don't Know to have what it is you REALLY want?
If you are then I sincerely encourage you to find someone who can travel that journey with you. To take the risk that feels too big. And if not, then that's your choice too, I respect that. Kind of.
But I know there's more that's available to you. I just know it.
Meantime, I'll see you on the other side.
Choose love xx