Disappointment, Vulnerability and Victory

Today I saw The Butler; the true story of a black house servant who served at The Whitehouse for almost 30 years. What an inspiring movie.

As the film opened I wasn't sure where it was going; was it about racial equality? Was it about family values? Was it about patience leading to virtue?

By my reckoning, it was about all of that. And more.

As the film came to a close, Forest Whittaker (The Butler) had a change of heart and saw life through new eyes. I won't give away what that was incase you watch the film, but suffice to say it touched and moved me. I thought about how often we remain trapped in our own views and opinions and don't realise we are pushing other people or higher experiences away.

Why would anyone do that? Why would any of us choose to push away another human being or the chance to be a better person?

Using examples from the film, the reason we push people away is often due to pride, stubbornness and ego. But what good does that serve? Why would we put our personal pride before the choice to love someone? It doesn't make any sense and yet we do it all the time. And, as with everything, there's the flip side; putting others first instead of giving ourselves love. It's the exact same thing in reverse. As far as I can see, neither option makes much sense.

Both lead to varying degrees of disappointment. And that's where I sat earlier this week when I recognised that for decades I have been pushing men away because I've been afraid to be vulnerable. A perfect example of that occurred this week, although this story has a rather nice twist…

From Tuesday through to Thursday this week I was feeling disappointed because a guy I was growing to like isn't into me. (Stop me if you've heard this one before…) Before I go into the details let me take you back to four weeks ago when I was on yoga retreat in Maui – where the story of my disappointment was born.

I don't remember exactly how it came about but I found myself on day two of Kelli Prieur's Heartglow yoga retreat curled up in child's pose feeling tears starting to well up in my eyes. As I lay there, with my forehead resting on the floor, I felt a huge burst of sadness wash over me. Hmm…

After class I went back to my room and felt compelled to write a letter To All The Men I've Ever Known. In the letter, I forgave all the men who've had an influence in my life. I forgave them for being anything from controlling and overbearing, to dishonest and mean, to being too nice, and even loving me when I wasn't able to receive it.

Yeah, I know, it doesn't necessarily make sense, it just felt right.

It was a letter with a spiritual rather than logical flavour and it made sense to me. I was essentially letting go of all the stories I'd made up and held onto about all the men in my life.

It wasn't them, it was me.

A few days later while the sun set on Maui's horizon, we were instructed to get into horse pose and told we would hold the pose for 4 minutes. Yikes. My mind instantly went into overdrive and 30 seconds into it as my shins burned like a volcano, my inner peace went from cool, calm and collected to can-you-stop-this-red-hot-pain-please.

In short: I didn't like it.

"Breathe into it," quipped Kelli, the instructor. F*ck you, said my inner yogi.

As I stretched my legs and came out of the pose I spotted a fellow yogi behind me squatting low, still as a statue of Buddha with a face like an angel. Yeah, f*ck her too. I could feel how strong my unwillingness to hold the pose for more than 10 seconds was as my mind went from tantric to tantrum. Regardless of the inner chatter I decided that I should just get back into the pose and try again. So I did. With at least 3 minutes left on the clock I spread my thighs and squatted low, shins still burning, mind still flaring. And that's when it hit me.

BOOM!

"F*CK THIS AND F*CK YOU!" I screamed. At the top of my lungs.

Oops, did I say that out loud…?

"F**********CCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!" I yelled again. "I F*CKING HATE THIIIIISSSSSSSS!"

Somehow, my self-editing button had been switched to "off" and my mouth was actually saying (screaming at the top of her lungs actually) what my mind would usually keep to herself.

You probably don't need me to tell you that at this point, everyone in the room was looking at me. The quiet, petite, mantra singing yogi; i.e. me, was losing her shit. And it was loud.

As I stood up straight I started punching the air with my arms and legs in what looked like a bad case of kung fu fighting Gangnam-yogi style. I kicked and punched at thin air, (still screaming) until after a few seconds the fire that had been raging within me dissolved. My kung fu moves smoothed out and as suddenly as I had burst into flames, I got all Beyoncé, twisting and twirling to the beat of an inner drum that seemingly could be heard, or at least felt, by the yogis around me. As suddenly as the rage had taken me over, I felt a huge blast of joy bursting up from my feet to the crown of my head.

And then I noticed Kelli standing right in front of me.

Oh-oh, I'm in trouble.

Rather than reprimand me for disrupting her peaceful yin class, Kelli Prieur became my cheerleader. Apparently she (and the rest of the yogis as they told me later) felt as though they had just witnessed a transformation. A bit like a cosmetic surgery makeover only without the scalpels and botox. My makeover was an internal one. And boy did it feel good.

By yelling and screaming my way through my pain I somehow managed to release what felt like a lifetime of suppressed anger. How it happened I have no explanation, but I do know that it came on organically and once I'd screamed the roof off, I felt lighter, brighter and happier.*

Although it sounds ironic, this very release is what led me to feeling disappointed this week. How? Well, within an hour of landing back in Sydney, I got a text message from a guy I'd been chatting with before I left for the life-changing yoga trip. Being on a holiday high I was feeling bold and cheeky and so I suggested we meet for dinner. It went well and I've seen him a couple of times since then.

However, as my interest has slowly increased it seems his has waned; hence my disappointment. But the story doesn't end there. As I sat within the see-saw feeling of disappointment this week I felt my body telling me something else. I sat still and listened, just like I had during horse pose. The same up and down feeling of disappointment was there in my chest, but faintly below it I could feel a vague sense that the outer edges of my heart space were also being tugged open. Hmm, I thought, what's that? And then, it hit me (again). BOOM!

I was feeling Vulnerable.

Woah.

Beneath my disappointment was vulnerability. I got a clear sense that my willingness to be open to the potential of giving love and receiving love had also left me wide open to disappointment. But I realised my being vulnerable was a good thing. A breakthrough. I hadn't truly been open to giving and receiving love in years (maybe ever) and here I was openly liking someone, not quite at the loving stage but really, what's the difference? Being open is being open. Hallelujah!

Incase you haven't joined the dots, the message here is threefold:

1) In order to find a new way of being, I had to let go of some old stuff. For me, that meant taking myself away from my daily routine to a yoga retreat and screaming.
2) Letting go of that old stuff allowed me to feel safe to be vulnerable with a stranger who could potentially hurt me. As it happens, I did feel hurt, but…
3) At the bottom of my disappointment was a globe of light that I would never have found had I not taken the first step of Opening Up and Letting Go.

Just like The Butler, I had to release my pride and my ego before I was ever going to find the incredible gift that was lying at the bottom of my least favourite poses – horse and dating. Little did I know that by sitting in the sting of my burning shins and allowing myself to like someone I would burst through a ring of fire that holds the key to feeling good even when I'm being vulnerable.

And, just like The Butler, if I continue to face any inner or outer turmoil and maintain an openness and willingness to choose love, then I'm pretty sure my dream of eventually getting married and living in a beautiful beach house in Queensland is merely a few hours, days, months or years away.

Until then, I'll keep on being vulnerable.


*Screaming is not the only route to happiness, but it may help.

Dear Universe…

OK, it's been a long time between drinks but I'm slowly getting my blog back on.

Truth is, there's been so much going on in my daily life that my creative blog juices just haven't had time to make it from the blender into a glass.

However, this morning, it's a perfect Sydney Saturday and I can feel a new blend forming as I type.

The reason why I haven't been blogging is because I've been focusing on finding regular and satisfying work that allows me the time and headspace to write books and build my meditation group (The Love Circle) into a business.

You may remember from my blogs Beating Financial Cancer and It's Time To Shine how my finances have been down this year. I'd been holding out for work that made my heart sing and which yielded a regular income. I wasn't prepared to do work that didn't fill me with joy and as a result, my earnings were relatively low. Well, the great news is, I found a job that ticks both boxes!

About 3 months ago I got a call from Reader's Digest asking if I could fill in for someone who had to take unexpected leave. Lucky for me I was available. After a couple of months of filling in on a random basis, I am now doing ongoing freelance work for a magazine that I love. The people I'm working with are incredibly inspiring and lovely, there's not a fluorescent light in sight, and I find the content absolutely fascinating! Basically, I have scored a trifecta!

Had I not held out for a role that would fulfill all my requirements, I may not have been in a position to fill in for someone at such short notice, and therefore may have missed out on this opportunity altogether.

Of course, there are many ways to look at this. You could say that by throwing the dice you will eventually roll a double six. I could have found a happy and stimulating role without needing to put myself through the "turmoil" of holding out.

Whichever of the two trains of thought you hold, doesn't really matter. I feel absolutely certain that my sending a message to the Universe about the exact life I wanted to live has led to this incredible opening.

Which leads me to my next wish…

Love.

Yip, now that I have found a wholly satisfying 3-days-a-week work scenario where I get to experience regular work at a magazine I love, with people I admire and adore; I now have the luxury of at least 2 days a week that I can spend writing my books and working on other projects such as building my meditation practice and looking at starting to teach yoga.

But that's all work stuff and life isn't just about work. It's actually about love and happiness.

So here lies my next request, which I put to the Universe this morning. It went something like this:

Dear Universe,
Thank you so much for answering my prayers. I am so grateful for my wonderful life. Thank you for my amazing apartment, for the birds that wake me in the morning with their beautiful songs and for the incredible people I have in my life. I am blessed.
I would like to ask you to help me find someone to share this all with. (At this point, tears starting flowing…). 
Please can you help me to open my heart so that I can allow someone else in. I would really like to meet a soulmate; someone I can love.
Please help me to be open to finding someone to begin a new and loving relationship with. To give love and to receive love.
Thank you.
PS I would really like a dog too.

That last line even made me laugh as I said it, but it's the truth, and as you know, I intend to hold nothing back in these blogs.

And so there it is. I am ready to find love. My "light is on" as they say.

The fact that it's taken me 42 years to find the "on" switch doesn't matter. Yes, I've been in love before, but back then, I didn't love myself, so whether that was ever true love or not I don't know. It was what is was and that's totally OK.

However, I am now in the incredible position of loving myself wholly and completely. I can only guess that self-love will allow me to give love in an entirely different way. My cup is now full and constantly overflowing, as opposed to occasionally percolating and then being drained. I can honestly say there were many times when I was so busy scrambling around looking for paper filters that anyone wanting a drink was going to have a long wait.

But now I have all the ingredients laid out, chopped and ready to go, and I've gotten rid of the percolator, replacing it with a shiny new blender. The blender is constantly whizzing and whirring, serving up deliciously healthy and satisfying cups of love. Every day.

For the past 12 months or more I've been drinking it on a daily basis and sharing it with friends. But now I'm ready to open shop and find a brand new customer: namely a loving man who likes to try new things. A guy who is ready to meet his soulmate, to give and receive love like he's never known before. A man who is open to sharing his journey with me and who can give me a look that says "I love you" without having to say a word.

Yes, Love In A Cup is now open for business. I'm taking the idea out into the world. Our brand values are Love. Our mission statement is Love. Our vision statement is also Love. It's a simplistic plan and I really hope it will work. I have the backing of the Universe who is on board as an angel investor.

It's a great position to be in and if previous experience is anything to go by, I just hope in my heart I can roll another double six…


PS It would be really great if he likes dogs too.

: )

A Fishy Tale

Well, it's been precisely 3 months since I last wrote a blog and it's been exactly the same length of time since Jacqueline Harrison and I added anything to our book Stress Free Business.

As it's been a while, I'll give you a brief recap:


1. Jacqueline Harrison came to me with a book idea and we spoke about me editing her book.
2. I started writing a blog (this blog!) about the processes in her book.
3. I approached Jacqueline about co-authoring the book.
4. Jacqueline agreed, the book took on a new life, changed its name and we began working together.
5. After about 3 months, life took us both in different directions for a while and it became 3 months before we had a chance to reconnect.
6. Today we had our first book meeting in 3 months.

Basically, the past 3 months has been a whirlwind. Fast forward to now and I can honestly say I am thrilled to be back on the book project albeit with a brand new motive.

The initial motive was to become a millionaire blogger.

Great, still loving that idea, but if I am to be completely honest, I also now have a far deeper intention for writing this blog (and the book), which may have always been there but was overshadowed by the millionaire price tag.

Wanna know what that new intention is?

Because. I. Want. To.

I know, sounds like a dumbed down version of life doesn't it. A bit like the sequel to Jaws. You already know someone's going to be eaten by the shark so what's the point in watching? The element of surprise has gone.

Will I become a millionaire or not was the whole point. The million bucks was the great white shark and it was lurking in the depths of the ocean somewhere. It was up to me to outsmart it and try to catch it before it came and bit me on the behind or swam away never to be seen again.

Trouble is, I've now gone and written the aquatic monster (i.e the lead character) out of the script which means I'm left with a plot that reads something like this…

1. Girl goes to beach at night and decides to go for a swim
2. People go to beach during the day and have a great time
3. Three men go on a fishing trip and catch nothing

Hmm.

If I was pitching that one to Steven Spielberg I doubt I'd get a bite (pun intended). Not much of a plot really. Unless I was to angle it slightly differently…

1. Girl wants to be a millionaire
2. Girl decides to do that through catching a great white (writing a book and a blog)
3. Girl realises she doesn't need to catch a great white to be rich
4. Girl decides she wants to write the book and blog anyway because it's so much fun and to heck with the shark!

And there it is. A very short blog to simply reintroduce myself back into the blogosphere and to ring the bell and announce that it's time to put my swimmers back on and get back in the water.


PS… [read: Spoiler Alert]
The shark still exists only now it's wearing the equivalent of frilly pyjamas and a pair of ugg boots (specially made fin-shaped ones). Steven Spielberg is still on the watch list and if my estimation is right, just like Jaws there will definitely be more than one sequel to this story.

PPS… Actually, you'd best keep your wits about you, because the scariest thing about any shark tale is the very moment after you've been lulled into a false sense of security and think that it's dead.

[cue the music…]

Let Your Heart Sing

Manifesting your dreams is an interesting business.

Sometimes, the things we ask the Universe for will land in our lap long after we've forgotten we ever mentioned them.

That very thing happened to me just a couple weeks ago.

Back in December I wrote a blog called Becoming A Millionaire: Step 2. It was based on some advice in (what was then) Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing. As you may know, Jacqueline and I are now co-authoring and the book is taking on a whole new life, but more about that another time…

One of the steps she advised was to build a picture of your end business goal and work back. My vision involved a beautiful 4-bedroom house in Queensland which I share with my husband (who I am yet to meet), and is a place from which I run yoga and meditation retreats. I also (flippantly) mentioned that I wanted to run workshops in Hawaii. Well, turns out I'm doing exactly that, and it's taken less than 12 months to manifest.

Wowsers.

What's even more wow about this is the fact that when I agreed to help out on my friend's yoga retreat in Hawaii, the idea of it being part of my greater vision couldn't have been further from my mind. In the 6 months since I wrote that blog I have kept myself busy with putting one foot in front of the other. Generally speaking I have focused on earning some money while continuing to follow my heart: I figured running workshops in Hawaii was a long way down the track.

When I was introduced to Kelli Prieur, owner of Kelli's Heartglow Yoga, it was in the context of me editing her upcoming book. However, we hit it off so well that what began as a one-way editing street has now become an intertwined magical mystery tour that just happens to be stopping in Maui this October.

Shut. The. Front. Door.

My heart has some very firm ideas about what it will and won't accept, and one of its conditions is to only work with people who are kind, compassionate, authentic and fun. And who allow my heart to sing its own mantra.

Singing someone else's tune? Um, that's a big no-no for my heart – she has her own repertoire and far from being closed to new ideas (harmonising is perfectly acceptable) if a situation calls for a bum note, it's non-negotiable. She's outta there.

The consequence of this level of commitment is that I have turned down paid work that didn't resonate with my heart. Namely, sitting in an air-conditioned office under fluorescent lights for eight hours working for someone who doesn't even know I exist – is not going to happen. It also means that on occasion I have refused to work with certain people. If their song doesn't have a beat or rhythm that I can dance to, then it's a "thanks, but no thanks". Surprisingly I've even turned away existing clients if the relationship began to feel out of tune.

In simple terms, working from my heart space has meant turning away a lot of potential cash.

And d'you know what? In doing that, I have truly tested my commitment to doing what makes my heart sing, and in turn I seem to be moving closer to the vision I wrote about last year. I have pushed the boundaries of what is important to me and in doing so sent a very clear message to the Universe that I will only operate where there is integrity, love and joy. I will only work with people who appreciate me, and I will wholeheartedly maintain my devotion to filling my heart with joy and love no matter what other consequences arise from that.

One of the consequences – which would easily look like a down side – is that my earnings dropped to an all-time low during this period. In fact, my 2012/2013 tax return will come in at around $25k. Bear in mind, the rent on my apartment is over $14k per year, so it hasn't left a lot to spend on food, travel and necessities.

For many, it would have been a grim year, but because I kept my heart open, having such low funds really didn't matter. Even more amazing is the fact that holding out all that time and maintaining a commitment to go where the joy is I am now in a space where everything seems to be turning around. And it's happening fast.

In many respects, getting to this point has been a tough road, but in many more ways it's been the most natural thing in the world. By letting go of the idea that success is a 6-figure pay check, and a mortgage, and whatever else we generally concede to equal success, I have found a gigantic treasure chest that is more bejewelled than any pay check I've ever received.

By continually following my heart for the past 6-12 months (actually it's more like 4 years), I have learned that the Universe listens to what it is we are really saying. What I have been saying is that I believe in myself; I trust that I will be looked after; and if I set my heart on a dream that is in harmony with the greater good, then it's only a matter of time before it becomes my reality.

Had I continued to work as an employee with a regular salary, and continued listing my dreams wistfully while plugging away at someone else's song, I may still have happened upon this incredible Hawaiian experience. But I'm pretty certain I wouldn't have felt the golden threads that hold this picture in place.

If I hadn't given my heart the opportunity to be free, I'm not sure I'd be heading to Maui to sing mantra for a group of beautiful yogis. I would probably be there practicing asana as I've always done, and I would still be repeating my dream that one day I'd be sharing my voice instead of hiding it away.

The lesson I've really learned here is that if we have a dream or goal, no matter how huge it may seem and no matter how far down the track we think it is, if we simply open our hearts, the very thing we dream of could actually be just around the next corner.

Simply put; if we speak from the heart, listen with the heart, and work and play from the heart, there is surely only one outcome.

Joy.

For me, that involves singing mantra at a yoga retreat in Maui. But what has also come from this experience is a slow but definite increase in work that I truly love, as well as a continually expanding network of authentic, joyful and creative people. Income wise, things are really beginning to pick up. I guess it's like any tipping point: when my soul, my thoughts and beliefs are back in alignment, the money was sure to come flowing back in. And flowing it is.

I wish we all had the opportunity to open our hearts and take a risk. Maybe we all do, but more often I hear reasons not to be free.

Either way, there's got to be at least 7 billion ways to live your dream so what is your heart saying right now? What's the dream your heart is holding onto?

Maybe it's time to let it out so you can sing, dance and love just as we are all meant to…

The Power Of Not Knowing

This morning I had a 2-hour writing workshop planned with my co-author Jacqueline Harrison. We've got a book to finish and as we'd both had a busy week, today (Sunday) was the only day we were able to catch up.

I almost didn't go.

I've worked the last 14 days straight and yesterday I ran a mantra healing workshop, which pretty much took up my entire Saturday, so by the time I awoke this morning I was spent. It's cold and rainy in Sydney and I could easily have snuggled up under the covers and stayed in bed.

But I didn't.

I got up, rubbed my tired eyes, showered and dressed, and walked to Jacqueline's house for our weekly writing session. I was committed to our schedule and boy, was it worth it.

Being tired can be a physical and emotional state. Sleepiness (physical) and fatigue (emotional) can be difficult to overcome. An extra hour or two in bed, or an afternoon nap can help, but when we are committed to doing something with love, our emotional self livens up. The light that illuminates our heart flicks on and we gather energy that wasn't there before. The spark that makes us feel happy has the ability to override tiredness. Ask any new mum: the love for their child enables them to get out of bed in the middle of the night for a fifth, sixth and seventh time to tend to their crying baby, even when they can barely open their eyes.

My work is my baby. And I have a willingness and commitment to ensure its welfare, hence getting to Jacqueline's house this morning even though it meant arriving tired and soaked to the skin.

As adults we become accustomed to knowing things. By the time we reach 30, 40 and beyond we have a certain amount of life experience, which means anything new is filtered through a deep and vast memory bank. This vault of memories enables us to apply a new idea or task to a similar situation or lesson from our past. It's a useful tool. But there is a down side. Becoming complacent about having "wisdom" can mean we continually apply old patterns to new opportunities and as a result we cease to evolve.

Until recognising the above, I was definitely guilty of running new challenges through my old tape player and predominantly coming up with the same thing. For example: I would start a business, get it off the ground, get stuck, give up and start again with a new business idea.

By not not fully acknowledging my areas of naivety, I was blocking my own progress. Suffice to say, I wasn't necessarily stuck because I didn't have the skills to reach my goals: I was stuck because I didn't understand that I thought I knew everything I needed to know as opposed to recognising that maybe it's not about what I know, but how I apply that knowledge. I.e. being able to accept that although I am an intelligent and capable adult, maybe there is something about this situation that I don't understand.

As adults, we are programmed to believe that we are competent and capable – which is largely true. But by believing we "know stuff" we close ourselves off to the idea that we "don't know stuff", which ultimately leads to us missing the incredible lessons that life serves. We remain busy figuring out what we know about this or that, rather than approaching life with the wide eyes of a child.

Children lack foresight; they have limited experience which means new situations are figured out using their creative mind. As adults, we mostly call upon our logical brain to decode and analyse situations based on what has gone before.

By peeling away the need to be "right" and "knowledgeable", we actually open ourselves up to an incredible array of new experiences that propel us into a whole new world. This actually feeds the very thing we were unconsciously trying to protect – namely our intelligence!

Being open to not knowing is one of the greatest tools of expansion I have ever used. And it can be applied to seemingly ordinary tasks such as meeting a friend for coffee, visiting your in-laws when you don't feel like it, or walking in the rain to a writing workshop on a Sunday morning.

When we choose the notion of "I know nothing" we become open to new possibilities. In practical terms it means choosing a new path. If we do what we have always done, then our lives stay the same. If we cancel the coffee because we're tired, or call off the visit to the in-laws because we are too busy we miss out on having a new experience. We're coming at it from the place of "knowing". It's OK to cancel but ask yourself "Why?" Why are you not doing that thing? Had I chosen not to attend the workshop this morning because I was tired I would really have been saying "I know what is going to come from this session". But how can we possibly ever know?

I believe that coming from a place of "knowing" is sometimes an escape or coping mechanism that allows us to sit in our comfort zone. We can dress it up as a headache or exhaustion, but ask yourself: if that experience you are saying no to involved your favourite person in the world, the man or woman who makes your heart sing, or the celebrity you would do anything to meet, would you still cancel?

I doubt it.

Somewhere in you, you'd find the energy and the willingness to be open, and with that would naturally dawn an incredible sense of excitement. It sounds counter-intuitive, but I believe it is our "knowing" that can dull our experience. If we can relearn to apply a childlike openness to our life, then doors will open that we didn't even know existed.

And that's what happened today.

As I sat with Jacqueline, tired and shivering from the cold, my commitment to writing took precedence over my basic needs. In the past I would have probably rescheduled the session, stayed in bed an extra hour and considered that I was honouring my need to sleep. That previous attitude set a great precept for honouring my basic needs and I adhere to that as a principle.

But by stepping out of my comfort zone and allowing something that hadn't yet been created to evolve, Jacqueline and I experienced an exceptional 2-hour writing session that produced some incredible work and put a spring in both our steps.

Had I maintained my old habit of putting my physical health first – my "knowing what's best", I would have missed out on the golden nuggets that I experienced today. But by allowing myself 2 hours to "not know" and be open to whatever that delivered, both Jacqueline and myself have grown as authors and as human beings.

So the next time you hear yourself saying "no" or "I know", I invite you to consider something.

Maybe you don't.

Love You Too

An amazing thing just happened that I want to share.

My sister just told me to get off out of her life. To "leave her alone" to basically just f*ck off.

I'm actually still digesting this, and being as she has asked me not to contact her I'm respecting her wishes. But I also feel the need to express myself.

So, here's how it went. I sent my sister an email asking how she was. I mentioned how the last few times we've communicated she hasn't seemed to want to engage with me. To be fair, we are hardly close: she's my sister but we are about as similar as an iPad and a shoe.

She's been unwell for some time and my intuition was nudging me to ask if she was OK. Her answer? She's fine. Great! But I have to say, the remainder of the email made me question if that was really the truth, because she followed up by saying how she can't stand my "self-help speak" and if I'm going to talk about wanting to "engage" with her then she's not interested.

Call me psychic but I'm guessing "fine" might not be the whole story.

I'm not going to write about a lifetime's communication (or lack of) with my sister, but suffice to say I am amazed that someone would react to a caring email from a sibling by saying "please leave me alone".

Actually, I'm not amazed at all. I'm not even surprised.

I could write fifty million blogs about my family and how screwed up I think we all are, but what would that achieve? It would only serve as a way for me to get a whole bunch of sh*t off my chest and I'd have to name and shame in the process. Even if I didn't, it wouldn't take much to work out who I'm talking about, right? And there's always three sides to every story: yours, mine and the truth.

So what else can I do in this situation?

Well, I'm sticking with my latest theme which is Shifting Perspective. Previously, I would have responded to my sister's behaviour with anger, venom and a Supersized "F*ck You" right back. I would have released my inner dragon from its cave and sent it charging at her with forked tongue and fire. I actually used to be proud of the fact that I was the queen of F*ck You. I had the ability to take a man down with one look, and would practically behead people if they were foolish enough to cross me.

But that's not the case any more. And in fact, I'm not even having to curb those feelings right now because they're just not there.

Now that's amazing.

But this isn't about me sitting on a sanctimonious ivory tower, this is about recognising that someone is struggling to feel good and that deserves compassion. Even if they are saying they'd rather pretend I didn't exist.

We all have our demons and some people's are bigger than others. I'm lucky in the sense that I don't have a predominance for depression. Sure, I feel sad and blue, and struggle at times but even when life sucks I usually manage to see flickers of light. It's a gift that I am very grateful to have. The only down side to this is when I'm in communication with someone who is feeling depressed or glum, because they tend to see me as the most irritating human being on planet Earth.

It's not great seeing someone smiling when you feel like throwing yourself off the Harbour Bridge. And there is nothing worse than someone shining a light of happiness on your world when you're in a funk and believe that the world is sh*t and you just want to be left alone.

Depression is a very real thing that affects a lot of people. And when you're depressed, you're depressed. Nothing's gonna fix it, and that's a fact, right?

But what if that's not the whole truth? What if within the layers of depression there is a spiritual veil that masks our ability to see the truth? What if hiding our sadness is part of the problem? If being depressed wasn't seen as "imperfect" then would it be as debilitating?

I don't know the answer to that.

But what I do know is that last year when I went into therapy for the first time in my life (not a moment too soon), I experienced a black, sludgy cloak that soaked through to my bones and practically prevented me from getting out of bed for almost 4 months. My usual squeaky clean optimism was muddy and heavy. I struggled to work. In fact I made so many mistakes at work during that time that I was left almost jobless and I'm still recovering from that a year later.

When I was in the thick of it I could feel my optimistic self wanting to clamp down over the problem and take me off to the beach for a walk: It'll make you happy it said.

But I didn't go for a walk.

I sat in my bed, still and quiet. I allowed the feelings I'd obviously been suppressing my entire life to be felt. Feelings of rejection from men, feelings of abandonment and lack of support from my parents, feelings of pain from sexual abuse as a child, feelings of rage from a horrific car crash that left my friend dead and my boyfriend in a coma, feelings of f*cking up my last relationship, of hating myself for always running away, feeling the guilt of leaving my beautiful dog behind for a life of freedom. Feelings of being worthless and hopeless.

I felt them all.

I sat in their gloom, their self-pity and their filth and I ate them for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I had no idea how long they would last but I knew I had never allowed them to be really felt before. So I gave them a chance to be expressed, to come out of their dark corners and into the light. I was terrified that I would feel like this for the rest of my life.

As it happens, for me, the blackness only lasted 24 hours before the fog started to lift. I wouldn't say I sprang out of bed the next day, (in fact it has taken around 12 months for the healing to come full circle), but that sick and disgusting feeling dissolved after a full day of Allowing It To Be.

I came to understand that for years I had stuffed those ugly feelings down into the pit of my Being because I didn't think it was OK to feel like that. Having finally allowed them to be felt is now giving me the ability to have compassion for my sister where I wouldn't have had it before.

By allowing myself to express the "negative" and shadow parts of myself, I have found a brand new space that allows me to hear my sister shut me out, and know that there is still hope. And love. Interestingly, it is through experiencing my own pain that I am able to have more love for someone, who from what I can gather isn't able to love herself right now. And who would rather not have me in her life.

I have come to understand that it's OK to feel like sh*t. In fact, it's part of being human. And if my sister wants to tell me to get lost, then instead of throwing mud back at her, I will shine love on her instead. I'll respect her wish for distance and will use the power of positive thought to help us mend the fence between us.

I don't know if all my angry birds have gone just because I wallowed in my own crap for a year, but I do know that loving other people when they cannot love themself (or you) is a gift. And so I shall continue sending loving thoughts to my sister and maybe one day we'll both be free to tell each other "I love you" and really mean it.

And if not, then at least I have learnt to love myself enough to allow my fears and hurt to be accepted and felt by Me.

It would be the icing on the cake if my sister got the chance to experience that too.

Shift Happens

On Saturday morning at 5.30am I queued up with around 160 other people to embark on a new journey.

A Shift In Perspective.

The reason over hundred people were gathered at such a crazy time on a Saturday was to celebrate the reopening of the Lululemon store in Bondi Junction. At the start of the walk we were each invited to write something we wanted to release onto a strip of paper and burn it in a lantern before setting off on a short hike from Bondi to Bronte.

Wanna know what I wrote? "I release my need to be single."

When we reached our destination, we were handed another piece of paper and invited to write a goal or dream. I wrote the following: I am ready to step into the fear and stop avoiding the things I've been avoiding.

Finding Love would be a good start.

I recently posted two blogs Gone Fishing and Butterflies, Intimacy and A White Picket Fence about a guy I met online. I was excited to have met someone who had pep, and our communication certainly put a smile on my face. Until the contact from his end stopped – which made me stop – and question what was going on.

Well, it turns out, Mr RSVP hadn't received my email after all. Basically, due to a technology/human hiccup Mr RSVP hadn't activated his private email onto his smartphone until after I had already sent him a message. So that message never reached his inbox. Not on his phone anyway, which is what he was checking.

Once our techno faux pas was fixed, the communication was back on like it had been before. He sent lovely long emails full of wisdom and clarity. This guy's a catch I thought to myself. But then a funny thing happened. Well, not so funny, more warped really. Basically, I got creeped out by the whole thing and pulled the plug. I told Mr R that it was No Can Do.

The reason why I bailed on what could have been an amazing relationship is due to a couple of things:

1) As soon as it became clear that he actually hadn't seen my email and our connection was real, I got scared. What if This Is It? What if he is The One?

I didn't realise having an actual relationship was such a frightening concept to me. I honestly freaked out at the idea that someone had stolen my heart, and that I had met someone who could potentially lead to being someone I really care for.

2) The thought that if I met this guy in person and we don't click also reared its head. We had emailed each other a couple of "Selfies" just to show that the pics on the website matched the current real life picture. Now, let's remember these were Selfies, which anyone over the age of 30 knows are not going to show your best side. And second, I'm not exactly Gisele Bundchen, especially first thing in the morning when I look more like a smashed crab.

As soon as I opened the pics, I changed my mind about the whole deal. My unconscious mind suddenly had a reason to run. (I'll admit, the pics did change my view slightly, but I don't think that's really all that was going on for me.)

How does that relate to making a shift? I'm getting there…

When we make a shift in one area of our lives it can change everything. For me that shift has been the way I communicate with people. Jacqueline Harrison, who I am co-authoring How To Create A Business From Nothing with, has taught me a lot about business. One thing that has stood out from the moment she said it was about getting used to having awkward conversations.

That single note of advice has absolutely changed my world. And I'll tell you how.

For one, I no longer let things that make me cross get to the point where I resent the other person for not realising they are "doing me wrong" until my lid blows off and I get angry. What I'm finding these days is that even when there's tension and snippiness between myself and another person, I'm able to address the situation in a calm and comfortable manner. Most of the time, anyway.

And when it comes to telling someone that I'm just not that into them (even if I might be but am actually too scared to invest what it takes), I can at least express my fears in a civil and honest fashion. And that's really new for me.

For years, (despite having a reputation for being blunt and telling it like it is), I used to bottle some things up until resentment was overflowing and I'd lash out. It was usually over small things, but I didn't have the tools or resources to express myself very well. So I'd be blunt and angry and charge at the offender using my tongue as a sword.

At least now I feel comfortable that I can let people know if they have upset me, and that equally I can be clear about not wanting to take a relationship any further if that's how I feel. Intimate relationships are where I have struggled the most with the idea of free expression, because there seems to be so much at stake.

But it seems with one seemingly small shift in perspective, even the toughest conversations are possible. And not only are they possible, but they can be spoken with love and grace, even when you know they will hurt.

And that for me is a huge breakthrough.

I just hope that if the next guy I meet really is The One that I will have shifted enough of my sh*t to be able to actually embrace and accept him with open arms, rather than be pleased that I am now able to say "No Thanks."

All I can say is watch this space…