It's Time To Shine

Ok, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here so stay with me.

I don't usually tune in to The Biggest Loser but tonight I felt compelled to watch it. Far from seeing it as an opportunity for Channel 10 to make money out of people's shortcomings it actually touched something deep inside me that has got me thinking: I really relate to the losers.

Harsh I know, but it's the reality.

I'm currently watching a parent/child team battle with their personal trainers. For the sake of "good" TV the show is focusing on a verbal altercation between the trainers and two of the contestants. But what I can see is that the only battle that's really going on is an internal one within each of the overweight contenders.

And that's what I'm talking about.

There comes a time (or not) when we are forced to come clean, where any old behaviours that no longer serve us are brought to the surface and there's no running away any more. Of course there is always the choice to run away and continue the old behaviour, but if you make a choice to go on TV, or to write a blog about becoming a millionaire (for example), sooner or later the truth will reveal itself.

For me it's related to my current financial situation.

What's slowly dawning on me is that the reason my financial situation is the way it is (e.g. dire) is not because I don't have the ability to earn a good salary and it's certainly not because I lack the skills to be a great editor, writer or healer. It goes much, much deeper than that.

Somewhere in me I am terrified to succeed. I have an immense inner fear that does not want me to shine and its keeping my finances skinny, which you could say is my version of being fat. For what it's worth, my unconscious self has done an incredible job at keeping the glean off my bank account. And I thank it for that, because ultimately I know I can rely on my inner self to stick to whatever rules I set. But knowing that, I also now know its time to hit the reset button.

First off, like the Biggest Losers it's rarely just the eating habits that are the problem. What lies beneath any addiction or unwanted behaviour is a desire to remain safe. For most of us our version of safe will be whatever we were presented with in our formative years. And that's where a lot of our issues seem ridiculous, especially when we have the adult logic that tells us what we're doing is dumb. What seemed safe as a child can seem warped as an adult. But the thing is, unless you have made a specific effort to uncover what safe means to you, you could find a number of things that don't make sense in your life such as 1) you're fat and don't know why, or 2) you're prone to struggling with money even though your resume says you should be earning a six figure salary.

To put that in simple terms: if being safe as a child meant keeping your mum happy and that meant eating all your dinner; then you might find that as an adult, you overeat. Or, if staying safe meant keeping the peace with your siblings so that you didn't get told off, you might find that as an adult you find it difficult to speak your truth. It's all down to mental conditioning. In my opinion, most of the issues we struggle with as adults have their seed in something that occurred when we were children. And that's not to say our parents are "to blame." No such deal. We're all doing the best we can with the resources we have; but the law of nature says that every cause has an effect. It doesn't however specify that the effect will be the most useful to you when you grow up.

When it comes to creating a new business idea or following up on a romantic lead, I'll be straight with you, I can chase a dream like the best of them. But when the idea begins to take shape, my reaction is often to bolt. Not because I'm scared (well, maybe) but mostly because I don't know how to step into my power and shine. Because the truth is, I never have.

Which prompts me to search back to my childhood for a hint of where this all started…

My situation is this: I want to become a successful blogger and earn a million dollars through a series of income streams. When I consider the possibility of that I have absolute faith that it's within my realm of potential. But my reality is showing me that I must also be holding a deeper and more powerful belief: one that says it's not OK for me to have the success that I simultaneously believe I can achieve, and that I also believe I deserve.

As I write this I can feel a deep seated anger rising from my root chakra. I'm calling it the root chakra but if I'm going to be completely honest it's actually emanating from my genitals.

And I think I know why.

OK, I'm about to reveal something very, very personal and it certainly wasn't where I thought this blog was going, but somehow I've arrived at this space and I feel right about telling the truth.

When I was four years old I was sexually abused by a friend. For years I wrote it off as just two kids playing around. But I always knew that what happened was wrong. As my friend played her new "game" with me she told me that she had learned the game from her dad. So by default I came to understand that my friend was being sexually abused by her dad. And it stank.

Consider that I was four years old so my wisdom and general understanding of the world was limited. But even at that age I knew what my friend was doing to me was wrong. And I also knew that it was more wrong that her dad was playing the same game with her. My friend was three and a half.

Depending on your beliefs you might now be sighing and tutting, writing my story off as an elaboration of two kids playing innocently. But let me tell you, there was nothing innocent about what was going on. This was not two kids exploring each others bodies with interest and a sense of adventure. This was a three year old girl who had learned about sex from her dad and was "teaching" her best friend all about it.

The situation was sordid and revolting and it deeply implanted the idea in me that men are only interested in women for sex. What I learned about my friend's dad left me suspicious and afraid. This same man used to spy on my friend and I when we were playing at her house. I can clearly remember us both hiding behind her sofa because her dad was peeping at us through the window as we changed into our swimsuits. Remember, I was four when this occurred so I didn't have the knowledge to understand the whys and what fors, all I "knew" was that men could not be trusted and that it was safest if I remained unseen.

Bringing this back to my finances may not seem obvious, but I feel the two situations are related for the following reason: I believe that I unwittingly sabotage my potential in order to remain "safe" which is basically remaining unseen and unheard.

Adding weight to this belief is the fact that my dad used to say shush whenever I was showing off or "performing", which compounded my already warped beliefs that I must not be seen; adding the "knowledge" that it is generally not "safe" to Be Me.

The result? A highly capable girl who was terrified of shining because she believed it would either lead to sexual abuse from men or lack of approval from her father.

And there dear Watson lies the answer.

Way back in my psyche two situations have become moulded into an emotionally charged "understanding" that it is not safe for me to Shine.

I guess it's time to set that one free.

How I'll do that I have no idea. For now I'm happy to have made the connection and written about it. Like I've said before, publicising my thoughts through this blog has somehow, so far, led to incredible breakthroughs for me. So for tonight, I'm going to leave this realisation in the hands of the Universe and trust that overnight, my conscious mind and my unconscious mind will have a get together and come up with an answer that will probably be relayed to me during my next meditation.

Until then, I thank you for reading and I thank you for coming on this journey with me. As you can see, I'm really holding nothing back here. Not because I want to shock you or expose myself, but simply and purely because I am ready to breakthrough to a new level and for the most part I feel like this is the only avenue I haven't walked down before.

Just like the people who volunteer to lose weight under the public eye on the Biggest Loser, I'm finally ready to strip away the bad habits that have been holding me back. I don't know what all of them are yet, and, unlike the Biggest Losers I don't have a trainer on my case every day to push me. For the most part, I'm doing this myself. But just as the overweight contestants are discovering, when you do peel back the layers you find a svelte and far more attractive being that you had forgotten was ever there. Your eyes sparkle more and your skin glows with good health. Generally speaking, you feel good.

You could say that once we get to the root of our problems, whether that be an addiction to food, childhood abuse or any other form of psychological imbalance, and we get to the point where we can peel away the fat, the hurt or the misunderstanding, there's really only ever one thing left to do.

And that my dear Watson would be To Shine.

So, will uncovering my story help me get back on track financially?

Well, you'll have to let me get back to you on that one…

Get Real

Yesterday I was privileged to see Esther Hicks channeling Abraham at a Hay House event in Sydney. The entire talk was about the Law of Attraction and how to manifest your dreams. It was right up my alley and despite claiming to practice the LOA I still struggle. Yes, yes, the law of attraction… you think something, the Universe sends it to you and you become rich and famous or find the partner of your dreams in an instant.

Except it never actually happens like that does it.

Or does it?

Tonight, I held my first Love Circle workshop at a new location (other than at my house which is where I've held the last 4, bar one at my neighbour's place). It was a fantastic evening filled with joy and love and beautiful yogic chanting and meditation.

Did I mention that I was the only attendee? Ahem, yes, The Love Circle was a 'flop'. So if the law of attraction is true then I must have attracted no customers right?

Spot on baby!

You might wonder why I feel elated about the fact I was the only one there as opposed to upset that nobody got to hear my message? Well, I still managed to have an amazing time for two reasons:

1. I got to sing some of my favourite mantras in a beautiful room, lit by candlelight with a gorgeous acoustic that made my voice sound angelic.
2. I realised that I must have manifested the exact experience I asked for which means I am finally getting this law of attraction thing! Yay!

In an attempt to explain, I'll tell you my story about tonight…

So, I started the Love Circle last December. One person came to the first session. I had a good feeling about TLC but all I was really ready for was one guest, hence only one person came. Great. The Universe always sends us whatever we ask for, we just get confused as to what we think we asked for and what we really asked for.

The following three sessions had between 4 and 5 attendees (including me) and were a great success in terms of numbers, as well as the fact everyone felt great at the end of the evening. Again, great. Every time I have manifested exactly what I was ready for. In my mind I could clearly see how the TLC was going to grow and slowly it will, but only when I am truly ready on all levels.

On the one hand I have an inner knowing that The Love Circle has great potential – that notion comes from my tapping in to Source and presents itself to me as an intuitive feeling. I just know. However, closer to the surface is my belief that I'm not ready to go out there and help my local community feel better about themselves. Who am I to do such a thing? I'm comfortable working with a few close friends but as soon as I dive into the great wide world, I fall flat on my face.

This is the strange dichotomy of life, right? We think we are in line with our higher self and can see, feel and taste how bright the future is. But right when the curtain is about to be drawn – revealing a theatre full of expectant faces smiling and cheering for us on the other side – we step onto a concealed trap door that someone (us) hasn't shut properly and fall face first onto the crash mat below the stage.

Ker-plunk.

Red faced and confused (because surely we didn't leave that trap door unhinged?) we dust ourselves off and spend the next few days/weeks/years falling into the exact same hole. And, all the time we do this we are convinced we're asking the Universe for what we want!! Hilarious!

This is what I realised tonight at the Love Circle. It became as clear as daylight that I Asked For This. Because I'm Not Ready. Well, according to Abraham/Esther Hicks a better way to phrase that would be to say something like: "I am delighted to have regular opportunities to understand more about life and how to tap into Divine Source and become the creator of a bright new reality."

Still not with me? I'll go on…

There is one surefire way to know if the Universe is sending you what you asked for: look at your life. What is in your reality right now? Are you in a loving relationship (not me), are you earning the money you know you deserve and have the skills to earn (nope), do you live in the house or apartment that you dream of (nada), and is your life everything you ever hoped it would be (sometimes).

Yep, just as I thought.

If for example the things I think I want are: a loving relationship; a fantastic income that mirrors the great work I do; a beautiful seafront home; and a life that is a never-ending party of love and joy, but, if I don't have those things, there is only one reason why not. I must unconsciously be asking the Universe for something else.

After tonight's Love Circle I made a list that reflected where my life is at. Suffice to say, it didn't match the list above. It read more like a comedy sketch where the lead character is so deluded they think they are asking for a million dollars when in reality they have a sign stuck to their back that says "kick me".

If it wasn't for tonight's "no-show" experience I would still be walking around with that sticker on my back, oblivious to the fact the Universe is "kicking me" because I am unconsciously asking for it. I can now see exactly what I really am asking for and I fully intend to turn those thoughts around until every atom of my Being is in alignment with what I actually want.

I know this may sound convoluted so here's a summary. To put it simply, the way to get the Universe to answer your prayers and give you what you truly want is to identify if you have unwittingly stuck a Post-it note in your mind that is asking for the opposite to what you think you want. And if you are, that's OK. The great thing about Post-it notes is you can  easily unstick them. Look around at your life and assess which areas are not matching your greatest desires. When you see what they are, thank them for being there and make a conscious effort to think about the thing you actually want on a daily basis. Feel what it feels like to be, do or have that new thing.

Then let it go.

In my experience, identifying our "flaws" is about 50% of the way towards whatever it is we desire. The second half is realised when we "action" through conscious thoughts or taking action toward our goal. But as Abraham/Esther says it is our thoughts and feelings which manifest our dreams not our actions. So once you have identified any discord between what you want and where you're at, consciously think about what you want and leave the rest to the Universe.

Oh, and if after assessing your life and noticing that you don't have all the things you desire yet are still convinced you are asking the Universe for what you want. I have two words for you:

Get. Real.

Loving the Fear (Not)

I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm having an off day. I'm feeling less 'Love. This. Life' and more 'F*ck. This. Life'.

I'm p*ssed.

Well, maybe I'm not really angry, maybe I'm more afraid…

Honestly? I'm terrified.

You know, tears and vulnerability have never been my strong point. I'm far more likely to scream and get angry than to start crying or ask for help, and today my body is screaming to Let. It. Go.

But. I. Don't. Want. To.

I'm holding on to so much fear right now that I can actually feel it. It's a twisted feeling that emanates from my upper and lower chest and circles from right to left, then spirals inward until I'm almost overcome with pain. As my chest aches I notice that the same grabbing sensation is travelling from my mid-chest down through my abdomen landing somewhere around my Jenny Taylor.

If you've ever had a broken heart, it feels exactly like that.

It hurts.

You may be wondering why I have these feelings. Did I get dumped by the man of my dreams? Did one of my parents just die? Did I lose my home in a bush fire?

Nope.

The reason I'm so full of fear is due to The Love Circle. Yeah, I know, the irony isn't lost on me either. The Love Circle is a meditation/inspirational get together that I started hosting at the end of last year. It was part of an idea that I hoped would eventually work towards me running inspirational workshops. It's filled with love and has attracted the most beautiful and loving people I know. The next Love Circle is tonight and yet, instead of bouncing with glee as I was with the first three, today I'm gripped with fear and stumbling around inside my own body trying to find a way out.

Looking for a way out of The Love Circle…?

Yip. (I guess I need to fill you in).

So, when I had the idea to start TLC (oh wow, I didn't realise that was the acronym of The Love Circle till just now – cool!) Ahem… When I planned TLC, I had no idea what it would become or whether it would ever be anything other than a small get together in my flat. Due to how the group felt after the sessions, we decided to hold it fortnightly. (I had planned on it being monthly). This increased frequency led to a conversation with my flatmate and a realisation that I needed to find somewhere else to hold TLC. It wasn't fair for me to oust my flatmate every second Tuesday and things moved on from there.

There's more to the story than that but the important part is this: The Love Circle is growing and I am terrified that I have made a mistake in starting it. I'm terrified that I'm not qualified to run an inspirational evening that increases people's joy and self-awareness. I'm petrified that people will find out I am just the same as them: petty, incapable, afraid, imperfect etc. All these thoughts have surfaced thanks to TLC and the crazy part is, I never saw them coming.

It sounds counter intuitive that starting a group to bring more love into the world would bring up these fears, but the more I look, the more obvious it is becoming.

At the weekend I watched part of The Moses Code which is a movie similar to The Secret and includes interviews with visionaries and authors such as Debbie Ford, Neale Donald Walsch and Michael Beckwith (among others). Debbie Ford (who passed away this February, RIP) made a really interesting comment that resonated with me. She described how when she had declared she wanted to become an inspirational speaker, her sister had asked her how she was going to do that being that she is angry and bitchy and has a whole bunch of other 'negative' qualities.

Good point.

Turns out, Ford, Beckwith and probably the entire cast had shared similar thoughts and fears about themselves. The very act of publicly wanting to help others had sent them on an incredible path of self discovery that they would never have come to had they not taken that first fearful step. Ford explained how she was forced to look at her shadow side – the side of herself that she was avoiding and ignoring because it wasn't 'perfect'. "Sometimes I'm a bitch," she said. Gasp! But she's a global inspiration!

Beckwith answered from a more global perspective saying that being called to follow our mission is part of the mission. We will never be where we think we should be until the mission is accomplished. That's the whole point.

Oh.

As I ponder this I am realising that's where my fear is coming from. I'm afraid that I'm not up to the job, yet I can't imagine doing anything other than this. And I'm not just talking about The Love Circle either. If you've been following my blogs you'll know I've set up a publishing consultancy (now called Lemondrop Publishing), and I'm writing this blog. In all three areas I am pushing myself beyond my current capability in order to grow. But it's tough. And for the past three days I've been wondering if I can cope with so many challenges despite them being self imposed.

But as I write this I'm answering my own dilemma because I guess I don't have to already Be There. I can figure it out as I go. I can allow myself to stuff things up and get it wrong and let that be part of the process. It's pretty much guaranteed I'll learn the lesson at some point, I mean, that's what I do. I turn myself inside out on a daily basis and do whatever I can to catch any lies or illusions that I'm holding onto. Once I catch them I don't hide them away in a basket, (that would be too easy) I write about them on a blog that is read by over 1400 people! Self-aware? Definitely. Insane? Possibly.

So I think it's fair to say, if I am making mistakes and feel fear about being phoney or sometimes act like a snippy little b*tch, I'll probably eventually work through it so it's really OK.

Phew.

Maybe feeling fear is just part of my journey. Truth is, I've never been one to sit in class and learn, I've always had to take matters into my own hands before I truly understand. The consequences of this are that I continually burn my philosophical fingers, I'm forever breaking hearts (usually my own), and rarely a day goes by when I don't stub my self-awareness toe or shed a snakeskin of self-deceit. But I've never (until now) said that's OK. I've constantly reprimanded myself and harboured guilt and shame for being imperfect.

Which, when I look at it like that is something that could do with being changed. Especially if I really do want to set a good example of how to live with more joy. Maybe this fear is just an accumulation of all the times I've not allowed myself to be perfect in my imperfection. And now that I'm putting myself out there in a bigger (albeit still small) way, some of my old imperfections are seeping out and want to be transformed into greater awareness and increased self acceptance. Which is kinda like saying More Love!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm suddenly feeling much better!

I started writing this blog because I didn't know what else to do. I was filled with fear and it was surging through my body and causing me physical pain. My first response was to meditate and that led me to writing. Thankfully I have this amazing avenue that allows me to share my deepest darkest feelings. This blog is where I reinvent my shame and imperfections and turn them into gifts. Opening myself up like this is extremely therapeutic for me.

So with that, I thank you for listening/reading and I hope that as I give myself a break from having to be perfect and allow myself to Be Me, that you'll give yourself permission to do the same.

Fear? Bring It!

x

Beating Financial Cancer

Last week, as I was assessing my finances (with one eye closed and the other one squinting in the hope the numbers would morph into millions), it became glaringly obvious that I have been lying to myself about where I'm at financially. Worse than that, I have been doing this For A Very Long Time.

These cold hard facts caused me to fall into a spin so I did what any self respecting woman would do. I went into my bank's website and clicked on the button that says 'Increase credit limit'. But as I started to enter my details I stopped. Something else clicked (in my head) that said step away and think about what you are doing.

…

I grabbed my keys and decided I needed to go for a walk. But, just as I was leaving the door something made me turn around. Out of the corner of my eye I had spied the words Financial Assistance, on the same web page where I could apply for more credit. Something told me that was the avenue I should travel down so, I reopened my computer and searched for that button.

In one short click I was through to a preset email where I could enter my basic details and note why I needed help. There wasn't a button that said 'I'm Doomed' so I clicked on 'Unexpected Reduction of Income'. Yep, that was pretty much where I'm at so I flicked off the email and thought again about going for my walk.

But again, as I was leaving, something told me I needed to do more. My inner voice recounted some words I'd read in Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing. I recalled a chapter that talked about learning to have conversations about money. Even the awkward ones. Hmm, could that apply to conversations outside the business arena? I figured it must be applicable anywhere and as far as awkward conversations go it doesn't get much more uncomfortable than telling the bank you can't pay them what you owe them.

So, I plucked up some courage and picked up the phone. I was pretty emotional by this stage because the enormity of my situation was really dawning on me. I wasn't on the phone to my mum or a friend asking to borrow money, I was actually calling The Bank to tell them I was in strife. I've never done that before and it felt BIG.

I didn't have to wait long before being put through to Raj, a very gentle chap who kindly acknowledged that he could tell I was feeling emotional and that he would do whatever he could to help me.

He asked me to explain my situation. I told him it started around 12 months ago when I was made redundant, then another situation caused me to go into therapy and from there on I have struggled to rebuild my financial status even though I am working really, really hard.

Raj was great. He understood. We worked through a couple of scenarios and because Raj could see I am earning some money, albeit in dribs and drabs, and because I explained to him that what I'm doing now will reap future rewards, he helped me work something out that has bought me a few months to find my money feet. More crying ensued but I felt like a massive weight had been lifted.

I was finally making myself accountable for my debt.

The conversation with the bank was the first step to me lifting my money game, but there is a far, deeper version to this story and it's one that I've been hiding from since I don't know when. After speaking with Raj and explaining myself to him, I felt relief that I was finally willing to learn something new about money. All my life I have twirled around in a circle of earning money, spending money, getting into debt, paying off debt, earning more money, spending more money, getting into more debt, paying it off and so on. I'm like one of those dogs who chases their own tail. Only instead of it being funny and cute it's actually highly detrimental to my financial health and in many respects is more like a sickness.

In truth, I have financial cancer.

Suddenly it had become clear: my unhealthy financial beliefs have been eating away at my earnings and savings all my life. They prey on any healthy behaviours I have (which are few and far between), and ravage them greedily. I'm then left clearing up the blood, guts and slobber of these cancerous beliefs and just as I think I'm healed, they metastasise and strike again!

But Not Any More. I'm saying hi-ho silver to that deadly disease because I am finally riding the road to recovery.

That very same day I made a pact with my self that I would turn my finances around once and for all. My situation hasn't arisen because I was made redundant nor because I'm building a business from scratch. These behaviours are inherent within me and I'm not alone. Friends of mine who I've mentioned this to have realised they share the same unhealthy behaviours. And I know I had them even when my bank account was overflowing with cash.

Lack of funds is not the problem. The problem is Me and I'm ready to change.

I don't think I need to recite all the changes I'm making but I will say they include taking a good hard look at what is coming into my account and what is going out. Anything that is a luxury is being cancelled and I'm letting friends and family know that I'm not available for lunches, dinners or anything that involves money until I've sorted myself out. I can meet for a walk or a swim and that's it. I'm going into financial chemo and I need everyone around me to know about it so they can support my road to recovery.

It's worth mentioning that this approach may seem extreme, and although I agree that it is, it's actually the kindest thing I've ever done for myself in terms of making my money work for me. A friend of mine was so shocked to hear that I had cancelled my yoga membership, he immediately offered to lend me a a yoga DVD that he has. How kind! Yoga is an enormous part of my life and has been for almost 15 years, but if spending money on a studio membership is beyond my current means, then it has to go. I can do yoga anywhere and I need to be ruthless in order to change my ways.

I'm also selling my car. Again, drastic measures but I need to do these things in order to get real. Until I am sitting in the space of reality, I will continue chasing my tail and tricking myself into thinking that $100 – $85 = $3,500 credit. Seriously. That's where I'm at. I'm like a fat woman who is stuffing her face with candy bars and can't understand why she's not losing weight.

Not only do I have financial cancer but I've been treating it by financially comfort eating.

This realisation has made me feel there is great change in the air. I feel like a new person. Because I am. I spent all morning yesterday ringing round my old magazine contacts and asking for work. I really need to increase my earnings pronto, and I have plenty of skills to offer, so stage one is increasing my income. Stage two will be clearing my debt.

And stage three?

Well, I don't know what stage three looks like because I've never been there. I'm pretty sure it's going to be amazing and feel a lot more secure and financially stable than I've ever known. But for now, I'm not looking at the future. I'm simply focusing on the here and now. I'm focusing on filling myself with healthy and realistic financial advice and turning my money beliefs around while simultaneously working hard on increasing my income and changing any behaviours that no longer serve me.

As for becoming a millionaire blogger? I still think it's possible and am certain that lasting wealth is the birthright of us all.

For now though, I'm going to insert a money drip into my account by sourcing some regular and stable work that supplements my business dreams. I'm also going to take away the tubes that are draining my account and cauterise them. And most important of all, I'm going to feed myself with regular doses of financial wisdom and focus on getting myself well.

Stress, Money and Making Better Decisions

Well helloooo Sydney (and anyone else who's reading this),

You'll notice it's been a while since I posted a blog and that's simply because I've been super-fly busy. What a turnaround the last 8 weeks have been.

Grab a cup of tea and let me fill you in…

So, at the end of last year I began editing and blogging about Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing. So far the experience has taken me on a journey that could only have been invented by Roald Dahl or Einstein. It's utterly magic, albeit fantastical and occasionally involves things I don't understand. Like how the Universe works.

To say life is good would be like saying Mount Fuji is a small lump in the ground.

The most recent amazing turn happened when I began writing my 2013/2014 marketing plan. I recently acquired a mentor (actually I have three), but Colin Grainger who is a successful engineering consultant (and a damn fine poet), asked me to do some homework as part of my mentorship. He requested that I compile a document showing how much money I was going to earn in the coming year and who I intended to get the money from.

Ooh, sounds scary but fun.

It's interesting stuff this mentoring business because it's got me thinking differently. It's helping me realise how important it is to understand where my next deal is coming from. Creating a clear idea about who and what types of business I will target and putting a dollar value next to their name has stretched my mind (and how I do business) in a big way.

Here's the lowdown: Basic maths tells me that in order to double what I earned last year I need to bring in at least $2k per week. Every week. Right, that's easier than thinking I have to bring in $100k in 12 months. Good start. I wrote down the jobs I currently have in progress and added the ones that are in the pipeline. OK, not bad, I'm about a third of the way there but I can clearly see that I am also using up a third of my time on these jobs, and they are only from my publishing work. Remember, I have three streams I'm tending to: publishing, blogging and workshops.

Hmm.

The rest of my week is already chock full with researching and writing company procedures and marketing papers, so I made a decision. I decided that it will be in my best interest to plan a couple of big deals that will bring in greater income, over a longer time frame. This will allow me to subcontract some of my work which will free me up to do more prospecting and big-deal making.

Hmm, so big deals must be how this big-money stuff works.

[clunk] Penny drops…

Wow! I have never thought like this before! I've only ever reacted to work coming in, but now I am becoming a real business woman and thinking about who I will pitch to in order to bring in maximum cash-flow with the least amount of time and effort (by me). The workload can be large and probably will, but it can't all me done by me. That's no different to me doing reflexology for someone for an hour.

Higgins, I think we just struck Gold!

Looking at my workload in this way got me excited but I'll admit I also felt a bit stressed. Oh dear, how am I going to do this? My ideas are bigger than my bank account and I'm already time poor. A common issue for entrepreneurs is not having a team to call on when you are in start up phase. So, I called a friend. I filled her in on my dilemma: Basically I've got three jobs, one is full time and kinda two jobs in one (publishing consultant and setting up publishing company). One is part time (running workshops) and one is currently more like a hobby (this blog).

Main problem: I only have two hands and one brain.

"Get one of those desk planner things," she said. "That way you'll be able to see whether you've got any gaps coming up which will help you feel more relaxed when you're busy." Yes! This immediately felt like a great idea. Sure, I keep a diary and write to-do lists and plan my day at the beginning and recap at the end. But I've never looked for gaps before. I've always just filled them.

I know, it's so easy when you've just read it, right…

As I mapped out my week I saw something that could be wiped clear: Toastmasters. I joined Toastmasters two weeks ago as part of my 'running inspirational workshops' plan. I thought it would be excellent practice for public speaking and I'd be making great business connections without trying. And of course I loved it! I dived straight in on day one, skipping to the front to give an impromptu speech with only 12 seconds notice. I was in my element, a whole room full of people being forced to listen to me!

Love!

Realistically though, at this stage of the game, I don't need to spend half a day giving speeches when I still have two thirds of my income to earn.

Bum.

I regretfully contacted my Toastmaster sponsor and gave my apologies. I told her I had pressing work commitments and that I would be back when I was able to commit. My sponsor was very understanding and actually gave me some advice. She shared with me that in her also very busy work life she has made a commitment to spend every Wednesday afternoon sailing. It's her gift to herself for all the hard work she does. Nice.

Well, well, sounds like she looked for some gaps and instead of filling them with stress or more work (which as we know there always is when you're running your own show), she has committed to herself to get out on Sydney Harbour and Have Fun.

Again, what great advice.

With that idea resonating in my mind, I took another look at my week. With Toastmasters gone, I have a full morning back that I can fill with something more productive. Being as I already have two fun things planned for myself this weekend I will be filling that time with work. Writing this blog has been added into my evening time slot (when I would have been preparing my speech) and now I still have tomorrow morning, which is great.

And just like that, my anxiety has diminished.

If you haven't seen them yourself, there are two great lessons here. The first one is Seeing Things Differently. I hadn't ever looked at writing a marketing plan in the way Colin mentored me to do. It's already resulted in a phone call to an ex-publishing colleague of mine who I approached about writing another book. This is a high-profile client and the idea that we brainstormed, coupled with her media profile and my publishing nounce could result in another big deal for us both.

The second point is Doing Things Differently. When it came to planning my weeks ahead I had never thought to look for gaps. Knowing there are gaps has an incredibly calming effect on the mind as does clearing something from your diary, (or rescheduling it), if you can see it is not vital to your greater plan.

These two seemingly small decisions may have been glaringly obvious to you, but to me, they have just opened a very large door that holds a very big key to a very grand future.

I can just feel it.

Notes From A Millionaire

So, it’s been exactly 7 weeks and 6 days since I started editing and following the processes in Jacqueline Harrison's soon to be released book How To Create A Business From Nothing. That's also when I began blogging about my desire to set up four new business streams and hopefully earn a cool million (or more) in the process. So you might be interested to know where I’m at…?

So Far? So Amazing.

You may recall I began by creating a vision, which you can read in my blog Becoming A Millionaire: Step 2. From the vision I created a broad To-Do list which included connecting with new people, educating myself in the areas of business that interest me and starting to work toward earning more money.

The results have been mind blowing and are far more fulfilling than I could have ever imagined. In a relatively short space of time I've learned more about myself and operating a successful business than I can tell you.

So, let's get into it.

1. I want to edit bestselling books. 

As I educated myself on the business of self-publishing and changed my mindset from Freelance Editor to Publishing Consultant, I realised I already know a handful of people I could approach. The first person that sprang to mind is my very good friend Hedley Galt.

Hedley has already written a book called Real, Raw and Original, which I worked on as editor. That's how we met. Her second book Finding Paris is close to completion. Hedley had asked me to read Finding Paris (as a friend) and give her some feedback. Well, I was Blown Away. I devoured the book in four hours (despite having a pressing list of work that I was meant to be doing). I knew I had just read a bestseller. I was so excited I rang Hedley and we shared a high energy half hour jumping up and down and squealing with excitement about the idea that Finding Paris could be the next Eat Pray Love.

You'd think that having already worked together and with my enthusiasm for her second book, that taking on Finding Paris as editor would be in the bag?

Not so.

As most new authors will appreciate, Hedley had concerns about budget so had recruited someone else to edit her book at no cost. Fair enough, I thought to myself. But in my mind I knew I had to have this book in my stable. I knew this was a bestseller and being that I only want to edit bestselling books I put on my Millionaire Blogger hat and, just as Jacqueline Harrison suggests, I spoke to Hedley from that space. Over dinner one night, I told Hedley that I had something I wanted to communicate to her. Thankfully she was open to hearing whatever I had to say, so I told her:

"I reeeaaaallllly, reeeeaallllyyyy want to work on your book." (I said it in a very professional way…)

Within a split second Hedley's face lit up and with a high five she said "It's yours, honey!"

Turns out it was budget concerns (and a tiny bit of new author uncertainty) that had brought about the decision not to hire me. But with my mountain of self-publishing knowledge, a valley of marketing ideas and a river of motivating words, Hedley agreed to take me on as editor of her next (bestselling) book.

Yeeeeeeeeeee haaaaaaa!

So, ticked off my list is another book that I am thrilled to be working on. As well as How To Create A Business From Nothing and Finding Paris, I am also working on three other books, editing a series of poetry books called Poeology, and have two deals yet to close.

I feel confident about what I can offer and am approaching each conversation with 100% authenticity. Which seems to be paying off! I get thrills from the conversations I'm having with these authors and I know the excitement is reciprocated. One author told me that after a brainstorm we'd had, he went away and wrote 4,000 words the next day! I'd helped him unblock his creativity and now he's on a roll! Success!!

Isn't it amazing what 7 weeks and 6 days of (self) training can do!

2. I want to run a successful healing practice.

Last week as I mailed out letters to about 20 GPs and psychologists informing them of my healing practice, I actually realised my heart isn't in it. As much as I love doing hands on healing, I have recognised that I prefer it as a hobby. Managing a diary of clients and relying on people turning up in order to earn X amount of dollars is not where my heart lies. I prefer giving treatments to friends and leaving it at that.

What I really get a thrill out of is building a business that won't necessarily rely on me doing the work in the future. I don't want to run a cottage industry where the business is Me. So, with that lesson learned I have crossed it off my list. Happy days!

3. I want to run inspirational workshops.

In December last year I started something called The Love Circle. The second one will be in February. Only one person came to the initial Love Circle (it was two weeks before Christmas, so most people were busy. At least that's what they said…), but even with just two of us The Love Circle is now a reality and it was a great experience. The solitary attendee (my friend, Cass), and I, got a huge amount out of the evening and we closed the Circle with more love in our hearts. Success again!

The second Love Circle already has four attendees confirmed so it's moving in the right direction.

I'm also about to write a new Reiki I & II workshop. I ran a couple of Reiki workshops a few years ago but put them on hold after moving interstate and setting a million other priorities. But after a meditation this week, the idea to run them again popped into my consciousness like a Japanese bullet train. I'm currently researching venues and have already had one person say they want to attend, so I'll see where that leads. My previous Reiki workshops were about so much more than Reiki. They were about connecting to Divine Consciousness and learning tools to live a more spiritual and happier life.

Kind of an inspirational workshop, if you like…

4. I want to become a millionaire blogger.

To date I've received 1,186 page views and am loving the process of writing and learning about Who I Really Am through my blogs. Whether the blog will ever become a million dollar income stream I am yet to see. But within the process I am constantly increasing my knowledge around the art of blogging and connecting with people who would otherwise not be reading my work. So far my posts have been read by people in Australia, UK, USA, Germany, Spain, Korea and Israel. Not bad!

As a result of my blog I joined Twitter. Within less than a month I have 408 followers. Amazeballs! Almost all my followers are spiritually minded people who share a desire to connect with others of the same ilk. Some of them (like me) are working toward building new businesses and others are successful authors and business mentors. And some of them have read my blog – and my tweets! It's all good! I'm surrounded by at least 408 amazing new people and not only might they read my work but I get to read theirs!

It's a win-win!

You can make what you will of my successes so far, but what I've learned in 7 weeks and 6 days is that the million bucks+ that I want is almost by-the-by. What's really steering my success is a desire to Live, Love and Learn. I actually couldn't give a monkeys about the money because everything I've done so far has enriched my life in ways that money never could.

What I'm getting out of this process is boundless energy. Every day (bar one day last week when I felt like my head was full of fudge), I wake up with a massive smile and a bubbling, bouncing, bundle of sparkles that are simply bursting to jump out of bed and Get To Work. I virtually have to contain myself in order to meditate before switching on my Mac.

Truly, the process of Becoming All That I Am is far more exciting than any bank account, bestselling book or inspirational workshop could ever provide.

What really fills me with joy is actually just Doing What I Love.

PS wanna know a secret?

Shhhhh…

Elizabeth Gilbert, (author of Eat Pray Love) favourited a tweet I posted about how much I loved her talk at Sydney Opera House last week.

She's a bestselling author.

I know… It's. Too. Much.

; )

The Egomaniac Strikes Back!

So, there I was walking home from a yoga class, repeating affirmations and mantras about wealth and happiness when – boom! – out of nowhere I was struck down by a sabre of light.

Standing in front of me was my Ego – and he wanted his mask back.

WTF?

I’ll fill you in on what happened…

Last year, a very good friend of mine gifted me with the book Be Here Now by Ram Dass. Up until a few days ago I hadn’t gotten round to reading it. But earlier that day I had ingested the intro and was inspired and moved by Ram Dass’ courage to rid himself of all sides of Self until all that was left, was, well… I don’t really know how to explain what was left, but suffice to say Dass somehow removed any attachment to his ego and from thereon began to live a much richer and more truthful life. What I would call a truly Spiritual existence.

Again, I don’t know how, but reading his story somehow embedded a new understanding into my consciousness that zapped through me as I walked home from yoga. As clear as day, I realised that this millionaire blogger, four business streams and a massive beach house in Queensland process was being fuelled by My Ego!

Busted!

Yeah, I know, looking at it now it’s as obvious as Hugh Jackman is gay (OK he's not, but say if he ever did come out we'd be kicking ourselves… I mean, come on… did you see The Boy From Oz?). Possibly a bad example… Moving swiftly on…

I’m not blasting the ego here, I am glad to have an ego that assists me in reaching my goals and fills me with a passion to do what I love. It takes a certain amount of ego to create ambition and we need the push of the mind and its perception in order to strive to do anything. I mean, if it weren’t for my ego wanting to remain fit and flexible, it’s unlikely I’d have been walking back from a yoga class in the first place.

Having an ego is not in itself a problem; it’s part of being human. But when the ego gets out of control and hides under a cape, masquerading as reality, it’s time to call in help. In this case, the help was my Inner Jedi and just as quick as a flash, it Ka-Zizzed my illusion and gave it to me straight.

It went like this:

Inner Jedi: Those millionaire dreams you have? They are not just a dream of being financially free. They are a desire to show the world you are capable of “success”.

Me: : /

Inner Jedi: Your desire to edit bestselling books? That’s not just a desire to publish truthful messages that will help people, that is also your need to show the world you are a bigshot.

Me: : 0

Inner Jedi: Your dream to live in a 4-bedroom house with two dogs, a loving husband and multiple business streams, with Mike Dooley as your good friend? That’s more your desire to mix with the rich and famous and less to do with living an authentic existence. See bigshot (above).

Me: But, I just…

Inner Jedi: And overall? The whole thing? You wanna know what that’s all about? You’re sending a very clear message to the Universe that even though you live in a beautiful apartment in a sunshine filled part of the globe, and get to do whatever you want day in and day out, you’re just Not Happy Enough with life as it is.

Me: [thud]

(That’s when I metaphorically hit the pavement.)

Me: Ohhhh kaaaaaaay then, let’s get this straight. All those dreams and goals I’ve been following, all those affirmations I’ve been saying, and the very reason I’m writing this blog are nothing more than an out of control ego trip?

Inner Jedi: You got it.

Me: Crap.

As I digested this information it quickly became clear to me that my Inner Jedi was speaking the truth. Every word that was revealed rang true. It was like I could suddenly see backstage and saw that inside R2D2 was actually a little man – my ego!

Undeterred by the fact that I’d just given myself a roasting, I mused on where that left me in terms of my blog, my business dreams and my hope of living in a beach house with sea views. If I removed the egocentric shell and peeled back my dreams to their seed, what was left?

What was left was This Very Moment: The Here and Now.

But what does that mean in everyday terms?

I conceived that beyond the ego I still had to Do Something. The message wasn’t to stop what I was doing and live in a cave; on the contrary, I summised that the work itself was not the issue. All I needed to lose was my attachment to any particular outcome. As Yoda wisely said; “To be Jedi is to face the truth and choose.”

So, I am choosing to still do everything I was doing before.

Which is a relief, because if I wasn’t doing what I’m doing i.e. working through the processes in Jacqueline Harrison’s book How To Create A Business From Nothing, and if I wasn’t writing this blog and exposing all these awkward sides of myself, or sending letters to doctors and psychologists informing them of my healing practice; or educating myself on the book publishing business so I can help authors sell more books, or waking each morning to the sound of birds and meditating before heading out for a sunrise stroll then I wouldn’t Be Me. And if I’m not Me, then who or what am I?

(Ooh, that's scary. Isn't that what Ram Dass said…?)

It was the final message from my Inner Jedi that really hit home. My Inner Jedi had pointed out that I obviously feel what I’ve got isn’t enough. Those words literally stopped me in my tracks because up until then, I had believed the absolute opposite to be true. I thought I was being grateful. I sometimes find myself in tears at the joy of drinking a cup of tea for goodness sake! But what's interesting about my ego trip is that it actually doesn't take away from any of my truth or light, they are not mutually exclusive. No, removing the ego just enhances the truth. Because truly, I am grateful for the life I have, but now that (yet another) veil has been lifted, I have found myself focusing less on future dreams and more on the Now. I just wasn't phrasing it very well.

Since that day when my Inner Jedi spoke, I’ve been far more centred and present. I’ve meditated on my heart space and simply observed what I sense, hear and feel instead of focusing on an amazing future. I’m just as excited about my life as I was before, (if not more so!). But ultimately, with some layers of my ego now removed, I can simply show up at my desk, open my Mac and do exactly what I was doing before, leaving the results to God, the Universe or whatever you want to call it.

I've put in my order with the Higher Powers (I'm sure they've read my blogs), so all I have to do now is carry on working through the processes and see what happens.

In basic terms, the main difference between then and now is that unlike Luke Skywalker and Princess Lea, I’m no longer using any force.