Butterflies, Intimacy and A White Picket Fence

So, let's talk about the law of attraction for a minute.

In my last blog If The Shoe Fits I mentioned in passing that it would be nice to meet someone who was 6ft, brown eyes, liked to surf and a total hunk. I passed it off as something I wasn't really bothered about and put it in the "would be nice" category.

Turns out, guys like that actually exist.

The very next day I was contacted by a guy on RSVP who pretty much fits that description (I hope he's not subscribed to this blog because I'm revealing some stuff here that he doesn't know yet…)

Anyway, that's not the main part of this blog. I'm getting to the point so stay with me… just had to paint the backdrop if you like. So, this dude contacts me and I am immediately attracted to him; both aesthetically and from what he's said in his profile. He sounds interesting. Hmm.

Ironically he doesn't live in Sydney (where I'm based), and he actually doesn't even live in NSW. Hmm again.

The fact he lives in a different time zone actually doesn't bother me, I'm more interested in finding a soul mate than a flatmate-with-benefits and if anything is meant to be then I'm of the thinking that the Universe will sort out all the finer details.

But let's not rush ahead, I haven't even spoken to this guy yet, we're only at the email stage. Which leads me to the point of this blog.

The last message I received from Mr RSVP stopped me in my tracks. So far we've exchanged emails roughly once a day (for less than a week) and already I know more about him than I do about some of the people I've shared flats with. He's an open book and has led a very interesting life. I won't lie: he intrigues me on many levels. He seems to have his sh*t together, knows how to hold a conversation and has got a way with words that so far, I like.

And then yesterday, he popped the question.

Not that question but one that sent me into a slow spin and left me lying on the couch asking myself if I could actually answer him honestly.

I'd mentioned in a carefree, passing remark kinda way (or so I thought) that I had left my last relationship because I wanted more freedom. Not surprisingly, he picked up on the fact that maybe there was more to this than I was letting on. I'd also (in a what's-the-weather-like type of deal) mentioned my dislike of white picket fences and being packaged into conventional boxes. From what I know of this guy I figured he'd be cool with that and we'd swiftly move on to other, equally lighthearted topics.

Seems not.

I'm not saying he wasn't cool about it, I'm saying I didn't realise what I was really saying. So when his return email included a question about what I do I really want for the future I was surprised. I felt like we had moved into serious territory too quickly and my inner child – who was putting her shoes on to go outside and chase butterflies – started crying.

Yes, really.

I felt like I'd been robbed of the chance to show this guy how funny and witty I can be because here he was delving into the real reason anyone is on RSVP, and all I could do was faint. He got me thinking. What the hell am I doing on RSVP? What do I really want from a relationship? Am I still hellbent on holding onto my freedom or am I serious about meeting someone and going for it, whatever that may look like?

Good lord, I didn't know where to turn, suddenly I had nowhere to run. Someone (a stranger!) had tapped into a part of me that I hadn't had the courage or foresight to delve into on my own. Mr RSVP had handed me a set of keys and one of them could potentially help to unlock my heart.

Yikes.

I pretty much spent all evening asking myself the question: What do I want? And here's what I came up with…

1. I want to reach a level of intimacy with someone that I have never reached before
2. I want to be free to Be Me
3. I want to feel safe to share my hopes and dreams and be supported and encouraged to express myself

And that's kind of it.

The question Mr RSVP posed was basically do I still want to be Free and what does that mean to me? When I broke it down, I realised that rather than me not wanting a conventional life where I get up, eat breakfast, go to work, come home and sleep, I'd happily live within the confines of a white picket fence just as long as I can talk openly with my partner, feel safe to express how I feel and know that the other person is as committed to me as I am to them. For me, intimacy follows vulnerability so feeling safe to be who I am will inevitably lead to greater intimacy. At least that's how I see it.

As for the white picket fence (that I often refer to when I think about what I don't want), it's not really the issue at all. I came to the conclusion that I would quite happily live a more mainstream existence (on the outside) as long as on the inside I felt safe and loved. And that will only come by me being completely open and honest with myself.

Part of that honesty would probably involve me needing to paint one or two fence posts with silver paint and glitter (just to feed my inner fairy), but I realise now that that's OK. For the past 3 or so years I have been less focused on what I want and more focused on what I don't want. (Law of attraction anyone…?). But now, thanks to a random online-dating-site stranger, I have gained some more clarity. Amazing!

All I have to do now is email Mr RSVP back with an answer…

I suppose I could just send him a link to this blog, but I don't think I'm game for that. But I will thank him for being open and honest and allowing me to find the keys to a door that has been closed and guarded for a very long time.

And who knows, maybe those keys will also open the door to a whole new beginning (not necessarily involving him, but who knows) that may one day lead to me having the things I truly want.

Which is essentially allowing myself the Freedom To Be Me.

Here's hoping…

If The Shoe Fits

So, it's Sunday morning and I'm sitting in bed with my laptop on my knees because I have a work assignment that is due tomorrow. Perfect time for writing a blog then…

I recently realised (and subsequently revealed in my blog Little Miss Perfect) that I want to share my life with someone. To be in a relationship. After writing that blog I signed up to RSVP (an online dating site). I've been on there before and I've met some nice guys and others who bored me. (Mostly the latter). This time doesn't seem to be any different.

I guess this sounds like I'm dissing the calibre of Sydney men but actually I think it might be the opposite.

Yup. I think actually, it might Be Me…?

I would definitely say that I'm fussy when it comes to men. Not so much in a he-must-be-athletic-six-foot-brown-eyes-be-able-to-surf-and-be-a-total-hunk (although that would be nice), but more in a his-vibe-must-match-mind kinda way. And what I'm beginning to realise is that my vibe might be less matchable than most.

Don't judge me for stating the obvious, but doesn't that sound like a fantastic limiting belief that will keep me single!

Yup, you might already be hearing what I am realising. That perhaps I think I'm a bit more "special" than I really am. On one hand I'm the eternal philosopher and analyst, the one who refuses to follow a conventional path and pushes the personal development boundaries to a point where the notion of finding a man – that I am attracted to and who is willing to take me on – seems less likely than finding a Miss Universe with a degree.

(BTW I don't have a degree so that's less of a dig and more a line for comedy purposes).

But on the other hand, I'm just your average girl. Scared, afraid, OK at cooking (although I don't really do it any more), and hoping to marry one day. Pretty standard stuff, right?

I think I have tickets on myself that I have unconsciously added a disclaimer to that says "not redeemable by anyone in this lifetime". I mean, who do I think I am saying most of the guys I meet online are boring? Well, that exact question is my entire quandary, right there in a nutshell. Who do I think I am?

Last year a guy friend of mine told me I was intimidating to men. His reasons were because I'm confident, know what I want and I am reasonably attractive. Right… well that makes sense then. So all I have to do is punch myself in the face, pretend to be a loser and get lost crossing the road?

WTF?

I'll be honest, he's not the first and only guy who's said that to me. But the joke is, as well as being confident I'm also terrified of being vulnerable. In fact, the very trait of confidence stemmed from my lacking the ability to show my weaknesses – it is a coping mechanism that I adopted as a child because I was told/shown/modelled that being vulnerable is not OK.

Let me just say that although I will concede that I have great resilience and a firm sense of self which might be intimidating (to some), I do (occasionally) click with guys and have met numerous amazing men whose company I've found scintillating. Problem was – they weren't into me! Ha! The irony huh.

(In fact, the guy I mentioned above is one such example.)

Yeah, I know…

What I'm deciphering from all this is that whether I'm ready to meet someone or not, the fact of chemistry and divine timing are always present. And they are two things that I have an unshaking belief in. I have absolute faith that a Source greater than me exists and whichever path my life takes, that Divine energy has my best interest at heart. A friend of mine has a great saying which I recite often: "Rejection is God's protection." Amen to that girlfriend!

The idea of chemistry is an extension of my faith in God. I believe that we are each part of a Soul Group – a collection of people with a similar vibe that is felt when two or more people of the same come together. I mean, don't we all have this experience? You meet someone for the first time and feel as though you've known them for a lifetime? I get that a lot. Just not with the guys I meet on RSVP…

So, after my sobbing and weeping at a business meeting where I realised that what I want in life is to have all these amazing business experiences and someone to share them with, I'm also not in any rush. I'm happy where I am, (even when I'm crying at a business meeting!). I'm truly grateful to have a desire to meet a lovely guy, but equally happy to walk this path alone until I meet someone who really sparks my pilot light. If he looks anything like Keith Urban then happy days, but even if he's got a funny nose and a bit of a tummy I don't really care. All I really want is that chemistry and a message from my Soul that this guy is as into me as I am to him.

Searching for love is easy. It's finding the shoe that fits that can be hard.

And I do have very small feet…

Shooting For Gold

Today is exactly seven months since I began this blog. The purpose was to follow the processes in Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing, and see if I could go from being $12k in debt to becoming a millionaire blogger.

The journey gets more interesting every day…

Whether you've read one, some, or all my blogs you'll probably have a sense that I go pretty deep. And that launching a business has actually been a path of immense self-discovery for me. In that process I have revealed sides of myself that had been hidden under a blanket of shame or a coat of grief and/or anger.

There's been more than one day when I've pondered as to why I'm putting myself through all this. Why wouldn't I just throw in the self-help towel and go and get a job like a normal person?

Um… maybe because I'm not 'a normal person'…?

I can totally understand why the majority of the population prefer not to delve into their psyche and instead, choose to carry on with day-to-day stuff and strife, and leave the idea of personal development to 'new age hippies' like me. Digging up this amount of dirt is painful and leaves you with a sore back. It's no bed of roses.

Until it is.

Someone said to me recently that they felt the self development movement was huge and that I'm not in such a minority as I believe. I have one response to that: Hay House (which is the largest self-help book publishing company in the world), regularly hold events at various global locations. They can draw crowds of three or so thousand in Sydney alone. But let's look at what else is going on. Such as the footy. AFL crowds are in the tens of thousands on a weekly basis, for months, in Melbourne, Sydney and Adelaide simultaneously.

That's tens of thousands weekly versus three thousand a few times a year. For me that sums it up. Generally speaking, we prefer watching men kick a ball around than learning techniques that can change our lives for the better.

I'm not saying going to the footy can't change your life in a good way; it's great fun and it's a wonderful environment for friends and families to come together and unite. But going deep into who we are and understanding what drives us is not on most people's agenda. And I'm not surprised, because rather than the tens of thousands who go the footy to watch; the 20 or so blokes who go through the gruelling physical training sessions know that the hard work is done on the pitch, not from a seat in the stadium.

It's the same with anything, we can spectate and speculate on the world around us, or we can take part. One is much easier than the other, but the level of reward generally relates to the effort we put in. It's a choice.

Having just kicked a few balls from my unconscious and landing them on the playing field of my conscious mind, I definitely understand the need for a post-match ice bath and a massage. I feel as though I have spent a lifetime chasing the pain from my past, and can totally relate to why these sport stars earn the money they do. It's not easy! The great thing is, having spent all this time training hard, I have created opportunities to kick some of the best shots I could have hoped for. In doing so, I reckon have scored the goal of a lifetime.

The golden cup I just won is self-love, self-esteem and a deep knowing that nobody can ever knock me over without my consent ever again.

In practical terms, when I began this blog I was a spectator in Jacqueline's book. I was touched and moved by what she had written and I chose to write this blog alongside her writing her book. I was a bit like a sports journo I guess. I was more involved than a regular spectator because I was 'interviewing' the celebrity so to speak. But I wasn't running a half marathon in 90 minutes on the pitch. I was still in the comfortable zone of interpreting what was going on albeit with a seat in the VIP box. It was pretty good.

But earlier this week, something shifted.

One of the goals I'd set with my business mentor was to find someone to co-author a book with by the end of June. As a book editor I know quite a few authors and there were a number of them who I could have approached. But the team I really wanted to be on was Jacqueline Harrison's.

Jacqueline has colours that I want to wear. That I've always wanted to wear. Her colours are the stripes that stand for Success, Integrity, Resilience and Absolute Self-Expression. In a word, she is a person I aspire to be like. Yes, I thought, if this was the FA Cup she's the team David Beckham's playing for.

And I want to learn how to kick the ball from an expert.

So, on Monday, I plucked up the courage and asked if she'd be open to talking about me coming on as a co-author of her book How To Create A Business From Nothing.

"Agreed," she said.

I don't even think a split second passed between my asking and her conceding.

Wow.

I metaphorically just got a job playing for Man Utd with David Beckham as my coach and teammate. What will come of the book is in the hands of the Universe, but as with any team, there is a certain energy that comes with collaboration. And in my eyes, the very fact that I just got signed is as good as winning the medal itself.

I'm finally taking part.

Life has so many metaphors and sport is a good one because we can all relate to it. When we're born we are like a freshly laid cricket pitch. Lush and green, pure and perfect. But as the players (our life experience, thoughts and beliefs) run up and down, they churn up the soil allowing seeds that have been carried on the wind to implant themselves in the ground. Simultaneously the ball becomes worn down creating a spin that a new ball cannot achieve. The more usage (or life experience), the more the bowler can spin the results. But only if he can feel how the ball has changed, and knows the character of the player he's pitching against. All of this comes with practice and a commitment to being the best.

Some people, like Shane Warne have an innate ability to play their game well. But no matter what our genetic disposition, with hard work and tenacity any of us can score a win.

Just as with every sport, the game is not just about the players we see on the pitch (the conscious mind). There is the ground to tend to, there are the tools or equipment that we need to score the goal and in the background there is a coach. Winning takes a team. When it comes to the Self, the background players are all on the bench of the unconscious mind. It's up to us to call them out on the field.

If I have learned one thing it's that whatever form of playing field we choose to enjoy, the more time and effort we put into understanding the environment, the different types of soil and the weather conditions that affect our land, the more fantastic the results. So if it's a smooth run you're after or a healthy glowing inner self, just be sure to get up early, understand your game and tend to your weeds before they take over.

And if you're really up for it, stand back and stand tall and keep your eyes on the goal. And when you're ready, take a deep breath and shoot for the stars.

Little Miss Perfect

This morning as I prepared for a meeting with my business mentor Colin, I diligently went through the things I'd said I would have done since our last meeting. Send out flyers for Reiki workshops… tick… add Google ads to my blog… tick… commence writing my book… tick.

Oh yes, there were ticks all over the place. Little Miss Perfect had an answer for everything. Anything that I hadn't completed I had a very good reason for, and all the boxes were lined up for a pat on the back.

However, despite all the good news, I wasn't feeling it.

When I arrived at the meeting Colin asked me how I felt. "Like shit," I replied. "Time of the month." Looking back, I can see now how that was a big red flag that had nothing to do with my period. It was an excuse. You know, those things that we tell ourselves to justify not doing something because we don't feel great? "Oh, I'm on deadline I'm always frazzled for a week…" or "I'm short on cash till pay day, can we meet next Friday instead…" or "I don't feel well, can we postpone our catch up till another time."

I really didn't feel like being there. I knew the tick boxes were in place but I didn't even want to talk about them. My throat was restricted and my eyes were welling with tears. Not really what you'd expect considering I'd achieved pretty much everything I'd set out to do six weeks earlier.

So what was really going on?

I guess for me, the journey to becoming a millionaire blogger goes beyond earning money and following a set of business rules. Somewhere deeper inside I want personal breakthroughs that have less to do with business and more to do with Life. The further I travel down this path, the more I realise that if I can tap into whatever is blocking my personal growth, my business dreams will simply follow. For me, work and life are one and the same.

So, back to the meeting… Colin relayed that the very fact I didn't want to be at the meeting meant it was the perfect place for me at that moment. He said that if every cell in my body was resisting something then it indicated that I was on the verge of a breakthrough. I had been feeling like crap for a few weeks so I was desperate for a breakthrough that would get me back to my happy place. But I was even more desperate to hide the very thing that would get me there.

Turns out that was Vulnerability.

I hadn't even been seated for five minutes and this was no longer about business. This was going to be a D&M that could see me smash through to a whole new level, but in order to get there, I was required to be vulnerable in front of someone I wanted to appear to be highly capable in front of. (As I unconsciously want to do with everyone.)

Inside, I wanted to bolt.

Yup, I had Silver saddled up and I was ready to gallop off with "Sorry, Colin, can we do this another time," on the tip of my tongue. Fortunately, I could sense that sitting through this meeting would lead me to an oasis that I couldn't reach on my own. I explained to Colin that I was fed up with having limited cashflow. However, things had just turned a corner as I had recently secured two great new contracts. The work was good and I would be paid well, but for now I was emotional and didn't feel like talking about it.

"What do you want to talk about then?" nudged Colin.

I was at a loss for words because I really didn't feel like talking about anything. I just wanted to go home and curl up into a ball and cry. So, I did all of that – except the going home bit.

Every cell in my body was resisting the tears but they wanted to come and come they did. Had Moses been anywhere nearby he could have waved his staff and sent a thousand Israelites through the middle. The floodgates were open and there was only one thing to do: I had to sit there and drink in the fact that I'm not always capable and that I don't always have my sh*t together.

As my face screwed up and the tears came, Colin didn't seem to mind. "Hmm," said my inner voice. "What's going on here then? You're exposing the part of yourself you never let anyone see and yet you are still alive and the person opposite you is still there."

…?

As my inner Self began to realise that being vulnerable didn't mean I would die or that my business mentor would run a mile, laughing at my inability to cope, I listened in to my heart and asked what was going on. In a very clear voice, it relayed to me that what it would like more than anything right now was a hug.

I pondered that for a moment while Colin and I sat awkwardly in silence. In a few seconds I realised that the awkward silence wasn't awkward at all. In fact, I felt completely safe to sit there and cry. And, I felt completely OK that we hadn't even mentioned work, and that instead, I had basically sat down at what had been planned as a mentoring session and started sobbing.

A tiny seed inside of me whooped with glee. The other part of me (that was still crying) plucked up the courage to ask Colin if I could have a hug. At first he didn't hear me (he probably couldn't understand what I was saying through all the sniffling). So I asked again.

"Can I please have a hug."

In less than a second, Colin was there, allowing me to be vulnerable in the open air, at a cafe – in broad daylight! OMG! My inner voice – that would have brayed at being such a wreck in public – was knocked into a coma while the part of me that had been seeking a breakthrough, was simultaneously set free.

Deep within me I recognised that this was something I had never done before. I have never publicly allowed myself to do what I did today, which was:

a) Cry in public without running to the bathroom to hide
b) Ask someone I don't know very well for a hug
c) Not care that people could see me crying and looking ugly
d) Be happy that I had allowed myself to publicly lose my sh*t
e) Feel OK about returning to that cafe without having to think about wearing a wig to disguise myself (Oh look, she's the one who cried…)

This really was a breakthrough. And it had nothing to do with me ticking boxes on a business plan.

Once I managed to compose myself, Colin and I sat back down and he very lovingly asked me were I was now at. After bumbling and fluffing a little, I told him that it had been a really long time since I'd had a hug. More tears ensued.

Having gone into vulnerability mode and realising it was safe, I felt ready to admit what I had concluded from our meeting. "You know what Colin," I said. "What I have come to realise is that through the process of starting up a set of business streams I firmly believe that I have the skills, the drive and the ambition to make a success of whatever I choose to do. But what I now understand is that what I would really like, is to have someone to share those experiences with."

Gulp.

"I want to be in a relationship."

And there it was – The Truth. The words I had been holding under water were suddenly set free and with them came another river of tears.

The very thing I had been resisting had forced its way to the surface and broken the banks. The emotion I had felt coming to the meeting was nothing to do with my menstrual cycle. My hormonal spin had simply been the trigger for something I'd been holding in for years. Probably since my last long-term relationship which ended more than three years ago.

Finally, I had allowed myself to admit that I am lonely. I finally recognised that I love what I do and I have the courage and tenacity to make my business a success, but deeper than that is a primal desire to share my life with someone on an intimate level. To have someone hold my hand through the hard times and give me a hug when I feel sad. And, equally, to have someone to high five the happy times with. With someone by my side, the hard times might not feel so hard and the good times might seem even better. Wow, that's definitely what I want and yet I hadn't been able to admit that even to myself!

For so long I've been coping with everything on my own, but now, thanks to setting up three new business streams and following the processes in Jacqueline Harrison's book How To Create A Business From Nothing, I seemingly have a much more intimate and emotional desire to fulfill.

For me, the business of setting up in business has not only led me to financial breakthroughs and new business behaviours, but ultimately it has helped me realise that life, be it brimming with gold, or as black as coal, means nothing if we don't have someone to share it with.

And so with that, I now set myself free to find love. I now give myself permission to be vulnerable on an intimate level with a kind and loving man who is looking for someone to share his life with. How I'll find or attract that man is anyone's guess. And until that happens I'll continue trucking along and ticking boxes.

But secretly, I now know that setting up in business isn't necessarily about business at all. Because deeper than my desire to succeed or be wealthy lies a far greater desire to Love and be Loved.

Just as The Beatles sang all those years ago, turns out: Love is all you need.

It's Time To Shine

Ok, I'm going on a bit of a tangent here so stay with me.

I don't usually tune in to The Biggest Loser but tonight I felt compelled to watch it. Far from seeing it as an opportunity for Channel 10 to make money out of people's shortcomings it actually touched something deep inside me that has got me thinking: I really relate to the losers.

Harsh I know, but it's the reality.

I'm currently watching a parent/child team battle with their personal trainers. For the sake of "good" TV the show is focusing on a verbal altercation between the trainers and two of the contestants. But what I can see is that the only battle that's really going on is an internal one within each of the overweight contenders.

And that's what I'm talking about.

There comes a time (or not) when we are forced to come clean, where any old behaviours that no longer serve us are brought to the surface and there's no running away any more. Of course there is always the choice to run away and continue the old behaviour, but if you make a choice to go on TV, or to write a blog about becoming a millionaire (for example), sooner or later the truth will reveal itself.

For me it's related to my current financial situation.

What's slowly dawning on me is that the reason my financial situation is the way it is (e.g. dire) is not because I don't have the ability to earn a good salary and it's certainly not because I lack the skills to be a great editor, writer or healer. It goes much, much deeper than that.

Somewhere in me I am terrified to succeed. I have an immense inner fear that does not want me to shine and its keeping my finances skinny, which you could say is my version of being fat. For what it's worth, my unconscious self has done an incredible job at keeping the glean off my bank account. And I thank it for that, because ultimately I know I can rely on my inner self to stick to whatever rules I set. But knowing that, I also now know its time to hit the reset button.

First off, like the Biggest Losers it's rarely just the eating habits that are the problem. What lies beneath any addiction or unwanted behaviour is a desire to remain safe. For most of us our version of safe will be whatever we were presented with in our formative years. And that's where a lot of our issues seem ridiculous, especially when we have the adult logic that tells us what we're doing is dumb. What seemed safe as a child can seem warped as an adult. But the thing is, unless you have made a specific effort to uncover what safe means to you, you could find a number of things that don't make sense in your life such as 1) you're fat and don't know why, or 2) you're prone to struggling with money even though your resume says you should be earning a six figure salary.

To put that in simple terms: if being safe as a child meant keeping your mum happy and that meant eating all your dinner; then you might find that as an adult, you overeat. Or, if staying safe meant keeping the peace with your siblings so that you didn't get told off, you might find that as an adult you find it difficult to speak your truth. It's all down to mental conditioning. In my opinion, most of the issues we struggle with as adults have their seed in something that occurred when we were children. And that's not to say our parents are "to blame." No such deal. We're all doing the best we can with the resources we have; but the law of nature says that every cause has an effect. It doesn't however specify that the effect will be the most useful to you when you grow up.

When it comes to creating a new business idea or following up on a romantic lead, I'll be straight with you, I can chase a dream like the best of them. But when the idea begins to take shape, my reaction is often to bolt. Not because I'm scared (well, maybe) but mostly because I don't know how to step into my power and shine. Because the truth is, I never have.

Which prompts me to search back to my childhood for a hint of where this all started…

My situation is this: I want to become a successful blogger and earn a million dollars through a series of income streams. When I consider the possibility of that I have absolute faith that it's within my realm of potential. But my reality is showing me that I must also be holding a deeper and more powerful belief: one that says it's not OK for me to have the success that I simultaneously believe I can achieve, and that I also believe I deserve.

As I write this I can feel a deep seated anger rising from my root chakra. I'm calling it the root chakra but if I'm going to be completely honest it's actually emanating from my genitals.

And I think I know why.

OK, I'm about to reveal something very, very personal and it certainly wasn't where I thought this blog was going, but somehow I've arrived at this space and I feel right about telling the truth.

When I was four years old I was sexually abused by a friend. For years I wrote it off as just two kids playing around. But I always knew that what happened was wrong. As my friend played her new "game" with me she told me that she had learned the game from her dad. So by default I came to understand that my friend was being sexually abused by her dad. And it stank.

Consider that I was four years old so my wisdom and general understanding of the world was limited. But even at that age I knew what my friend was doing to me was wrong. And I also knew that it was more wrong that her dad was playing the same game with her. My friend was three and a half.

Depending on your beliefs you might now be sighing and tutting, writing my story off as an elaboration of two kids playing innocently. But let me tell you, there was nothing innocent about what was going on. This was not two kids exploring each others bodies with interest and a sense of adventure. This was a three year old girl who had learned about sex from her dad and was "teaching" her best friend all about it.

The situation was sordid and revolting and it deeply implanted the idea in me that men are only interested in women for sex. What I learned about my friend's dad left me suspicious and afraid. This same man used to spy on my friend and I when we were playing at her house. I can clearly remember us both hiding behind her sofa because her dad was peeping at us through the window as we changed into our swimsuits. Remember, I was four when this occurred so I didn't have the knowledge to understand the whys and what fors, all I "knew" was that men could not be trusted and that it was safest if I remained unseen.

Bringing this back to my finances may not seem obvious, but I feel the two situations are related for the following reason: I believe that I unwittingly sabotage my potential in order to remain "safe" which is basically remaining unseen and unheard.

Adding weight to this belief is the fact that my dad used to say shush whenever I was showing off or "performing", which compounded my already warped beliefs that I must not be seen; adding the "knowledge" that it is generally not "safe" to Be Me.

The result? A highly capable girl who was terrified of shining because she believed it would either lead to sexual abuse from men or lack of approval from her father.

And there dear Watson lies the answer.

Way back in my psyche two situations have become moulded into an emotionally charged "understanding" that it is not safe for me to Shine.

I guess it's time to set that one free.

How I'll do that I have no idea. For now I'm happy to have made the connection and written about it. Like I've said before, publicising my thoughts through this blog has somehow, so far, led to incredible breakthroughs for me. So for tonight, I'm going to leave this realisation in the hands of the Universe and trust that overnight, my conscious mind and my unconscious mind will have a get together and come up with an answer that will probably be relayed to me during my next meditation.

Until then, I thank you for reading and I thank you for coming on this journey with me. As you can see, I'm really holding nothing back here. Not because I want to shock you or expose myself, but simply and purely because I am ready to breakthrough to a new level and for the most part I feel like this is the only avenue I haven't walked down before.

Just like the people who volunteer to lose weight under the public eye on the Biggest Loser, I'm finally ready to strip away the bad habits that have been holding me back. I don't know what all of them are yet, and, unlike the Biggest Losers I don't have a trainer on my case every day to push me. For the most part, I'm doing this myself. But just as the overweight contestants are discovering, when you do peel back the layers you find a svelte and far more attractive being that you had forgotten was ever there. Your eyes sparkle more and your skin glows with good health. Generally speaking, you feel good.

You could say that once we get to the root of our problems, whether that be an addiction to food, childhood abuse or any other form of psychological imbalance, and we get to the point where we can peel away the fat, the hurt or the misunderstanding, there's really only ever one thing left to do.

And that my dear Watson would be To Shine.

So, will uncovering my story help me get back on track financially?

Well, you'll have to let me get back to you on that one…

Get Real

Yesterday I was privileged to see Esther Hicks channeling Abraham at a Hay House event in Sydney. The entire talk was about the Law of Attraction and how to manifest your dreams. It was right up my alley and despite claiming to practice the LOA I still struggle. Yes, yes, the law of attraction… you think something, the Universe sends it to you and you become rich and famous or find the partner of your dreams in an instant.

Except it never actually happens like that does it.

Or does it?

Tonight, I held my first Love Circle workshop at a new location (other than at my house which is where I've held the last 4, bar one at my neighbour's place). It was a fantastic evening filled with joy and love and beautiful yogic chanting and meditation.

Did I mention that I was the only attendee? Ahem, yes, The Love Circle was a 'flop'. So if the law of attraction is true then I must have attracted no customers right?

Spot on baby!

You might wonder why I feel elated about the fact I was the only one there as opposed to upset that nobody got to hear my message? Well, I still managed to have an amazing time for two reasons:

1. I got to sing some of my favourite mantras in a beautiful room, lit by candlelight with a gorgeous acoustic that made my voice sound angelic.
2. I realised that I must have manifested the exact experience I asked for which means I am finally getting this law of attraction thing! Yay!

In an attempt to explain, I'll tell you my story about tonight…

So, I started the Love Circle last December. One person came to the first session. I had a good feeling about TLC but all I was really ready for was one guest, hence only one person came. Great. The Universe always sends us whatever we ask for, we just get confused as to what we think we asked for and what we really asked for.

The following three sessions had between 4 and 5 attendees (including me) and were a great success in terms of numbers, as well as the fact everyone felt great at the end of the evening. Again, great. Every time I have manifested exactly what I was ready for. In my mind I could clearly see how the TLC was going to grow and slowly it will, but only when I am truly ready on all levels.

On the one hand I have an inner knowing that The Love Circle has great potential – that notion comes from my tapping in to Source and presents itself to me as an intuitive feeling. I just know. However, closer to the surface is my belief that I'm not ready to go out there and help my local community feel better about themselves. Who am I to do such a thing? I'm comfortable working with a few close friends but as soon as I dive into the great wide world, I fall flat on my face.

This is the strange dichotomy of life, right? We think we are in line with our higher self and can see, feel and taste how bright the future is. But right when the curtain is about to be drawn – revealing a theatre full of expectant faces smiling and cheering for us on the other side – we step onto a concealed trap door that someone (us) hasn't shut properly and fall face first onto the crash mat below the stage.

Ker-plunk.

Red faced and confused (because surely we didn't leave that trap door unhinged?) we dust ourselves off and spend the next few days/weeks/years falling into the exact same hole. And, all the time we do this we are convinced we're asking the Universe for what we want!! Hilarious!

This is what I realised tonight at the Love Circle. It became as clear as daylight that I Asked For This. Because I'm Not Ready. Well, according to Abraham/Esther Hicks a better way to phrase that would be to say something like: "I am delighted to have regular opportunities to understand more about life and how to tap into Divine Source and become the creator of a bright new reality."

Still not with me? I'll go on…

There is one surefire way to know if the Universe is sending you what you asked for: look at your life. What is in your reality right now? Are you in a loving relationship (not me), are you earning the money you know you deserve and have the skills to earn (nope), do you live in the house or apartment that you dream of (nada), and is your life everything you ever hoped it would be (sometimes).

Yep, just as I thought.

If for example the things I think I want are: a loving relationship; a fantastic income that mirrors the great work I do; a beautiful seafront home; and a life that is a never-ending party of love and joy, but, if I don't have those things, there is only one reason why not. I must unconsciously be asking the Universe for something else.

After tonight's Love Circle I made a list that reflected where my life is at. Suffice to say, it didn't match the list above. It read more like a comedy sketch where the lead character is so deluded they think they are asking for a million dollars when in reality they have a sign stuck to their back that says "kick me".

If it wasn't for tonight's "no-show" experience I would still be walking around with that sticker on my back, oblivious to the fact the Universe is "kicking me" because I am unconsciously asking for it. I can now see exactly what I really am asking for and I fully intend to turn those thoughts around until every atom of my Being is in alignment with what I actually want.

I know this may sound convoluted so here's a summary. To put it simply, the way to get the Universe to answer your prayers and give you what you truly want is to identify if you have unwittingly stuck a Post-it note in your mind that is asking for the opposite to what you think you want. And if you are, that's OK. The great thing about Post-it notes is you can  easily unstick them. Look around at your life and assess which areas are not matching your greatest desires. When you see what they are, thank them for being there and make a conscious effort to think about the thing you actually want on a daily basis. Feel what it feels like to be, do or have that new thing.

Then let it go.

In my experience, identifying our "flaws" is about 50% of the way towards whatever it is we desire. The second half is realised when we "action" through conscious thoughts or taking action toward our goal. But as Abraham/Esther says it is our thoughts and feelings which manifest our dreams not our actions. So once you have identified any discord between what you want and where you're at, consciously think about what you want and leave the rest to the Universe.

Oh, and if after assessing your life and noticing that you don't have all the things you desire yet are still convinced you are asking the Universe for what you want. I have two words for you:

Get. Real.

Loving the Fear (Not)

I'm going to be brutally honest. I'm having an off day. I'm feeling less 'Love. This. Life' and more 'F*ck. This. Life'.

I'm p*ssed.

Well, maybe I'm not really angry, maybe I'm more afraid…

Honestly? I'm terrified.

You know, tears and vulnerability have never been my strong point. I'm far more likely to scream and get angry than to start crying or ask for help, and today my body is screaming to Let. It. Go.

But. I. Don't. Want. To.

I'm holding on to so much fear right now that I can actually feel it. It's a twisted feeling that emanates from my upper and lower chest and circles from right to left, then spirals inward until I'm almost overcome with pain. As my chest aches I notice that the same grabbing sensation is travelling from my mid-chest down through my abdomen landing somewhere around my Jenny Taylor.

If you've ever had a broken heart, it feels exactly like that.

It hurts.

You may be wondering why I have these feelings. Did I get dumped by the man of my dreams? Did one of my parents just die? Did I lose my home in a bush fire?

Nope.

The reason I'm so full of fear is due to The Love Circle. Yeah, I know, the irony isn't lost on me either. The Love Circle is a meditation/inspirational get together that I started hosting at the end of last year. It was part of an idea that I hoped would eventually work towards me running inspirational workshops. It's filled with love and has attracted the most beautiful and loving people I know. The next Love Circle is tonight and yet, instead of bouncing with glee as I was with the first three, today I'm gripped with fear and stumbling around inside my own body trying to find a way out.

Looking for a way out of The Love Circle…?

Yip. (I guess I need to fill you in).

So, when I had the idea to start TLC (oh wow, I didn't realise that was the acronym of The Love Circle till just now – cool!) Ahem… When I planned TLC, I had no idea what it would become or whether it would ever be anything other than a small get together in my flat. Due to how the group felt after the sessions, we decided to hold it fortnightly. (I had planned on it being monthly). This increased frequency led to a conversation with my flatmate and a realisation that I needed to find somewhere else to hold TLC. It wasn't fair for me to oust my flatmate every second Tuesday and things moved on from there.

There's more to the story than that but the important part is this: The Love Circle is growing and I am terrified that I have made a mistake in starting it. I'm terrified that I'm not qualified to run an inspirational evening that increases people's joy and self-awareness. I'm petrified that people will find out I am just the same as them: petty, incapable, afraid, imperfect etc. All these thoughts have surfaced thanks to TLC and the crazy part is, I never saw them coming.

It sounds counter intuitive that starting a group to bring more love into the world would bring up these fears, but the more I look, the more obvious it is becoming.

At the weekend I watched part of The Moses Code which is a movie similar to The Secret and includes interviews with visionaries and authors such as Debbie Ford, Neale Donald Walsch and Michael Beckwith (among others). Debbie Ford (who passed away this February, RIP) made a really interesting comment that resonated with me. She described how when she had declared she wanted to become an inspirational speaker, her sister had asked her how she was going to do that being that she is angry and bitchy and has a whole bunch of other 'negative' qualities.

Good point.

Turns out, Ford, Beckwith and probably the entire cast had shared similar thoughts and fears about themselves. The very act of publicly wanting to help others had sent them on an incredible path of self discovery that they would never have come to had they not taken that first fearful step. Ford explained how she was forced to look at her shadow side – the side of herself that she was avoiding and ignoring because it wasn't 'perfect'. "Sometimes I'm a bitch," she said. Gasp! But she's a global inspiration!

Beckwith answered from a more global perspective saying that being called to follow our mission is part of the mission. We will never be where we think we should be until the mission is accomplished. That's the whole point.

Oh.

As I ponder this I am realising that's where my fear is coming from. I'm afraid that I'm not up to the job, yet I can't imagine doing anything other than this. And I'm not just talking about The Love Circle either. If you've been following my blogs you'll know I've set up a publishing consultancy (now called Lemondrop Publishing), and I'm writing this blog. In all three areas I am pushing myself beyond my current capability in order to grow. But it's tough. And for the past three days I've been wondering if I can cope with so many challenges despite them being self imposed.

But as I write this I'm answering my own dilemma because I guess I don't have to already Be There. I can figure it out as I go. I can allow myself to stuff things up and get it wrong and let that be part of the process. It's pretty much guaranteed I'll learn the lesson at some point, I mean, that's what I do. I turn myself inside out on a daily basis and do whatever I can to catch any lies or illusions that I'm holding onto. Once I catch them I don't hide them away in a basket, (that would be too easy) I write about them on a blog that is read by over 1400 people! Self-aware? Definitely. Insane? Possibly.

So I think it's fair to say, if I am making mistakes and feel fear about being phoney or sometimes act like a snippy little b*tch, I'll probably eventually work through it so it's really OK.

Phew.

Maybe feeling fear is just part of my journey. Truth is, I've never been one to sit in class and learn, I've always had to take matters into my own hands before I truly understand. The consequences of this are that I continually burn my philosophical fingers, I'm forever breaking hearts (usually my own), and rarely a day goes by when I don't stub my self-awareness toe or shed a snakeskin of self-deceit. But I've never (until now) said that's OK. I've constantly reprimanded myself and harboured guilt and shame for being imperfect.

Which, when I look at it like that is something that could do with being changed. Especially if I really do want to set a good example of how to live with more joy. Maybe this fear is just an accumulation of all the times I've not allowed myself to be perfect in my imperfection. And now that I'm putting myself out there in a bigger (albeit still small) way, some of my old imperfections are seeping out and want to be transformed into greater awareness and increased self acceptance. Which is kinda like saying More Love!

Well, I don't know about you, but I'm suddenly feeling much better!

I started writing this blog because I didn't know what else to do. I was filled with fear and it was surging through my body and causing me physical pain. My first response was to meditate and that led me to writing. Thankfully I have this amazing avenue that allows me to share my deepest darkest feelings. This blog is where I reinvent my shame and imperfections and turn them into gifts. Opening myself up like this is extremely therapeutic for me.

So with that, I thank you for listening/reading and I hope that as I give myself a break from having to be perfect and allow myself to Be Me, that you'll give yourself permission to do the same.

Fear? Bring It!

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