So there I am, happily out for my morning
stroll. It’s about 5.45am and albeit a little bit sleepy, I’m enjoying the cool
air and marvelling at the glorious golden sun that I can see rising over North
Bondi. I’m relaxed and happy, listening to the birds chirping their morning
hellos and loving life.
Until there it is. My peace has been
disturbed. Bzzzzzzzzzzzz. Dammit, there’s a fly. I continue walking,
considering my exciting new blog and fantasising about it becoming successful.
But again, I’m interrupted. Bzzzzzzzzzzz. Goddammit, I think the fly is
following me!
Suddenly, any inner calm I had enjoyed has
been tipped out of sight and replaced with an inability to focus on anything other
than the sound of this fly. Bzzzzzz. Good lord, how big is this bloody thing?
It sounds like a jackhammer.
I’m still walking (admittedly, I’m now
going a bit faster – I’ll outsmart him, I think to myself). But there he is
again, buzzing like he’s got the most exciting piece of news to share and he really wants me to know about it. It
seems that Flyan Seacrest here must be some hotshot celebrity reporter and the
sh*t is going down in Flyville, because he’s not letting up. Bzzzzzzzzzzz.
If it was later in the day, the sound of
this insect (who happens to have a drone as loud as a beast) would be drowned
out by passing cars and real
jackhammers, (we love a bit of roadside renovation in Bellevue Hill). But as
it’s too early for most, this guy has absolutely no competition. It’s like an
episode of X-Factor for flys. And so far there’s only one contender.
But then… hang on… the fly has gone! Yes! I
outwitted him with my quick step and lost him, hurrah! Now I can enjoy my peaceful
morning walk again.
Bzzzzzzzzzzz.
Whaaaaat? He’s back! Jesus, the damn thing
must have been hitchhiking on my back. Urgh. Wiping his feet on my shoulders no
doubt. He could even have been doing a tap dance – maybe this really is
Australian Flydol?
I don’t think I’m alone in my dislike of
flies. Even my dog (who is sadly no longer alive, bless him) used to go crazy
if there was a fly nearby. He was a usually placid golden retriever, so it was
hilarious to watch Dudley whenever a fly innocently buzzed its way into his
personal space. With a jolt of the head, Dudley would prick up his ears and would
rise from his resting place, quick smart, with a determined look of “I’m gonna
get you, McFly”.
He’d race to the window (or wherever the
fly was) and snap and snarl with teeth bared and fluffy tail swatting in time.
It was game on! Often the fly would prevail and fly away (mission accomplished
in my books), but sometimes Dudley would snap right on course at just the right
time and Bam! Sayonara Mr Fly. God, how I loved that dog!
Before I have a chance to reminisce about
Dudley, I’m quickly brought back to real time, as I hear the fly buzzing again.
Damn. I turn corners with the agility of David Beckham, trying to lose my
buzzing friend. It doesn’t work. What is with this thing?
I’m reminded of a time when another fly
stalked me for days. Really. When I was 24 living in London, I swear for about
three weeks there was a gigantic fly in my bedroom that would sit on my
windowsill, motionless, until just
before I was going to bed. That’s when it would attack. Bzzzzzzzzzzzz! As if on
cue he’d take off from his perch and begin languidly flying around my room with
what must have been a microphone tucked under one wing. He was the size of an
A380 airbus but unlike the planes, this fella had complete disregard for air
traffic restrictions (even Heathrow closes at 11pm). No, this mighty insect
would take off and land numerous times throughout the night. Sounding just like
a jumbo jet, he’d come swooping directly at me, buzzing over my head. I was
terrified! Nobody had given him clearance to land, and the runway most
certainly was not my face! Arrrghhhhh! I was haunted for weeks!
I don’t know why I didn’t swat the thing
(maybe I did?). I can’t remember how I eventually got rid of it, but I can
still to this day remember the feelings of being stalked by that fly. And now
here’s another one, taunting me with the same cacophonic drone.
Bzzzzzzzz. He’s still here! I’ve been
walking for about 30 minutes! We must have covered at least 3 kilometres! In my
mind, I’m on the set of Rocky III. You know the scene where Coach is on a
bicycle riding alongside Rocky as he runs, doing air jabs and uppercuts. Yeah,
well, I’m gonna uppercut this fly if he doesn’t buzz the hell off pretty damn
soon. I’m not coaching you to stardom mate. You are not the wind beneath my wings and the only one who’s gonna
win this fight is ME! GO. AWAY.!!
Doesn’t he realise that I need to spend
this quiet time manifesting my brilliant future? My morning walk is part of a daily
meditation routine. I’m supposed to be feeling how wonderful it is to be
healthy, wealthy and full of happiness, not being bothered by a creature with
compound eyes and six legs. How the hell am I going to work out which Hollywood
actress is going to play me in the movie of my life when I can’t hear myself think!?
At this point, my knees buckle and I burst
out laughing. This is hilarious! I’m getting cross at a fly because he’s
interrupting my dreams of the Hollywood screenplay of my blog! The blog, that
up until an hour ago you couldn’t even subscribe to because I hadn’t worked out
how to add the “follow me” button! Ha! Thank goodness nobody is around because
they would have seen me lose my footing and crumble like a day old pastry into
fits of giggles.
Amazingly, once I regained composure and
came back to the real world, I stood there, and listened. They say laughter is
contagious – must be true because a kookaburra has joined in. Oh, yes, I am
just soooooo funny.
And the fly? Well, he obviously has no
sense of humour.
He’s gone.
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